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Old May 5th, 2021, 03:19 AM   #141
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

Sexual abuse is so wrong
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Old May 7th, 2021, 01:01 AM   #142
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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Sexual abuse is so wrong
Its the worst
Even after its done it never goes away
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Old May 14th, 2021, 06:44 PM   #143
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

Getting more comfortable talking about since coming here but yes
A friends dad
He doesn’t look at me and I avoid going to their house but I never told her
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Old May 16th, 2021, 01:04 PM   #144
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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Getting more comfortable talking about since coming here but yes
A friends dad
He doesnt look at me and I avoid going to their house but I never told her
Omg that is horrible! You told anyone about it... to get this asshole punished?
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Old May 16th, 2021, 11:19 PM   #145
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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Omg that is horrible! You told anyone about it... to get this asshole punished?
No, only really opened up about with a friend here recently and got my head around it

It was over a year ago, I dont think its something hed do again to anyone
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Old May 16th, 2021, 11:41 PM   #146
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No, only really opened up about with a friend here recently and got my head around it

It was over a year ago, I dont think its something hed do again to anyone
Well I hope so that youre right. But most abusive assholes will always be what they are: Abusive assholes.

Good you opened up about it and hopefully can overcome this and not let it ruin your life.
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Old May 17th, 2021, 03:53 AM   #147
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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Well I hope so that youre right. But most abusive assholes will always be what they are: Abusive assholes.

Good you opened up about it and hopefully can overcome this and not let it ruin your life.
I dont want to destroy my besties life
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Old May 17th, 2021, 04:42 AM   #148
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I dont want to destroy my besties life
Youre an amazing friend. She can be soo happy to have you.
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Old May 17th, 2021, 04:45 AM   #149
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Youre an amazing friend. She can be soo happy to have you.
I hate the secrecy and making excuses to avoid staying the night at her house, but so far so good, been over a year
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Old May 17th, 2021, 10:08 AM   #150
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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I hate the secrecy and making excuses to avoid staying the night at her house, but so far so good, been over a year
*hugs*
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Old May 19th, 2021, 07:00 PM   #151
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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*hugs*
Hugs are good <3
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Old May 20th, 2021, 12:10 AM   #152
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I hate the secrecy and making excuses to avoid staying the night at her house, but so far so good, been over a year
That's so sad because staying the night at best friends house should be what you're keen on. I'm so sorry for you.
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Old May 20th, 2021, 01:22 AM   #153
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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That's so sad because staying the night at best friends house should be what you're keen on. I'm so sorry for you.
She comes to my house instead
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Old May 20th, 2021, 01:27 AM   #154
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She comes to my house instead
Well that's not bad either then. A safe place...
My bestie always comes to my house, we're never at her house. Her parents are very stricht and don't like her being in touch with me.
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Old May 20th, 2021, 01:43 AM   #155
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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Well that's not bad either then. A safe place...
My bestie always comes to my house, we're never at her house. Her parents are very stricht and don't like her being in touch with me.
Why is that?
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Old June 8th, 2021, 07:47 AM   #156
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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to be fair there's a difference between the law saying you cant consent (due to them believing you're not old enough to realise what you're consenting) and you actually consenting. also the thing is you said you was like 9 and I believe you didn't know anything about masturbation or those "touches". Your mind was a child and of course it'd say yes to feeling good.

If you did know about it and was completely fine, then I guess you can say it's sort of acceptable as you consent, he wasn't hurting you and he wasn't taking advantage of it (this is kind of iffy thing to be truthful). Do wanna state a 13-14-year-old shouldn't be doing that with someone 2 years younger than them and/or someone below 12.

I don't think you're weird mate. also, I think it's because you trust your cousin, they didn't "abuse" you, and that they did it to bring you pleasure rather than to make themselves feel good. Not having a sex-negative background could have helped.
this is a good point. sometimes it's hard to say whats abuse
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Old June 10th, 2021, 04:22 PM   #157
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I dont want to destroy my besties life
Thats very understandable..... You are a good friend.....
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Old June 10th, 2021, 07:09 PM   #158
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Thats very understandable..... You are a good friend.....
Thanks sometimes it feels right to say something but my stepdad would probably end up in jail if I did, hes protective in the old way


Erika they / them Vikingr
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Old June 11th, 2021, 02:53 PM   #159
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Default Re: Have you been molested or worse? [TW]

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this is a good point. sometimes it's hard to say whats abuse
I think this is very true, and the reason for it is because to some level it is subjective upon both the offender and the recipient of whatever action that was then considered “weird, or boundary crossing”.


So this is kinda my closest experience to something like this.

As a little kid, I was almost kidnapped once, or at least I was propositioned at a random car dealership, it could have easily escalated but at least my “No” was respected.

I had wandered away from my parents to go into the dealership’s “lobby”, which was deserted with the lights turned off because the only employee there was the manager who was with my parents at the time browsing other vehicles because it was so hot (car greenhouse effect etc.) .

But I bring this up to point out, that the mental-emotional affects of knowing you’re “at the edge” of safety (i.e. aware of you’re vulnerability) is a scary feeling/thought.

It’s the sense of losing local control of oneself that I think when you break it down is both seen in society as either in the context of this topic either:

1. Sexual Trauma
OR
2. Sexual Ego boost (you’re desirable, you’re the focus of attention etc.)

For example, during my junior prom a few years back, my date squeezed my hips just spontaneously a bit and unprovoked by me. I as the recipient can classify that experience in 2 ways:

1. Non-consensual battery and a personal space-boundary cross

OR

2. A flirtatious move that I could accept as relatively harmless in the long run especially given the context that that was my date. I could also interpret it as a flirtation-romantic escalation que (should I take him privately to the side and flirt back or signal more hot-n-heavy stuff?)


But the way “consent” is discussed in all the relationship and health and law classes at school (both in K-12, and in college), doesn’t really talk about “consent” as something done after the fact, it can’t because it opens up a “ethical can of worms”.

But not discussing it in the way those thoughts are processed in the mind as they occur in practice, still leaves victims without a mental framework or pathway to ruminate on the feelings of whatever they experienced in a healthy way, it builds up into this tense anxiety and angst for most people, which is totally understandable, it’s a fear response. The brain is telling them to “never experience that again”.

I hypothesize this is part of why scientific literature on the psychological affects of those who undergo abuse do differ in outcome.

And this doesn’t just affect heterosexual type scenarios-environments, it affects ALL types of abuse survivors (gay, lesbian, non-binary) or those who even skirted close to experiencing abuse but mentally know they came close (but maybe technically the act of trauma wasn’t committed persay).

_

Part of the reason I think dating, flirting, sexual-potential scenarios, cross into ambiguous territory in our minds and in society is because there is no “clear cut or standardized” way in which human society conducts itself when meeting someone new and kinda bonding with them. There is a certain kind of give-n-take when it comes to flirtationship stuff. I don’t know if society can change that, or if society is better off if it hypothetically does so.

A lot of non-verbal body language and experiences are only clues, on if we like this or not, want it to continue or not. Was the use of [this is going to sound awkward] engaging “privacy” appropriate to further the romantic-atmosphere of said experience or not.

Often times we don’t know until after the fact but society enriches the idea of when being intimate, you create a private-atmosphere before you proceed further.



So I’ll close this post with this, my best advice for healing after experiencing something like this is to think about certain philosophical concepts after already accepting their trauma or feelings are valid:

1. What does consent mean to me?

2. What can I do to exert or maintain a sense of reasonable control over my own will knowing society will want fractions of control in return to engage in socializing with others? Where is that line for me and is there a middle-ground compromise?

3. If it does happen again, what’s my game plan? (Making a game plan will keep you feeling as if you have some sense of control in future scenarios, god forbid, if they present themselves in the future).


Also when it comes to advocating for others I found this question to be important to ask oneself as well before speaking up for someone else’s scenario:

1. Because I use one definition for “consent” in my own head, is it appropriate to project that same definition and use it upon someone else?

For me the answer is “no”, because I respect each individual person to make up their own mind and subjective life-values. But in so doing, I lose the ability to advocate for them, unless they request help in figuring out their own thoughts and lack the introspective skills to do so.


But this is why “what is abuse?” Is such a hard question to answer. It’s also why I didn’t post here for a while, because I had to figure out how to word this tactfully because of nuance.

Last edited by Uniquemind; June 11th, 2021 at 03:02 PM.
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