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Old August 2nd, 2020, 01:02 AM   #1
Zndr
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Default Abusive dad is back

The situation between my parents relationship is totally effed up. A few years ago their relationship just totally fell apart. Lots of yelling and arguing pretty much every night. Dad was drinking more and more. He started make more and more threats against me and my brother, though I did my best to shield him from all of this as best I could at the time. I would take the punishments for him whenever possible. Mom finally kicked dad out and divorced him. To give an idea, I was 10 and my brother was 6 at the time. There was mental abuse that took a while for me and my brother to get over.

So flash forward to about a month ago. Mom revealed that she has been seeing dad again and he was going to move back in with us. My first question was dont you remember why you left that POS before, but she is insisting he has changed and he's a better person than he used to be. For me all of the memories of the abuse are just flooding back after being buried away. The first time my brother saw him again he totally freaked out and hid in our room. He's been having a lot of nightmares about dad doing stuff to him now. Mom just dismisses it saying all kids have nightmares and he'll grow out of them.

Being around dad the last three weeks, its looking less and less like hes changed at all. He still drinks A LOT. Whenever moms not around he yells at us because we've done "something" wrong and gives us some sort of punishment. I mean, this is just turning into three years ago all over again. There's only so much I can do to protect my brother from all of this again.

I'm not even sure where I was going with this post in the end. I just felt like I wanted to talk about this I guess. Get it off my chest
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Old August 2nd, 2020, 01:16 AM   #2
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zndr View Post
The situation between my parents relationship is totally effed up. A few years ago their relationship just totally fell apart. Lots of yelling and arguing pretty much every night. Dad was drinking more and more. He started make more and more threats against me and my brother, though I did my best to shield him from all of this as best I could at the time. I would take the punishments for him whenever possible. Mom finally kicked dad out and divorced him. To give an idea, I was 10 and my brother was 6 at the time. There was mental abuse that took a while for me and my brother to get over.

So flash forward to about a month ago. Mom revealed that she has been seeing dad again and he was going to move back in with us. My first question was dont you remember why you left that POS before, but she is insisting he has changed and he's a better person than he used to be. For me all of the memories of the abuse are just flooding back after being buried away. The first time my brother saw him again he totally freaked out and hid in our room. He's been having a lot of nightmares about dad doing stuff to him now. Mom just dismisses it saying all kids have nightmares and he'll grow out of them.

Being around dad the last three weeks, its looking less and less like hes changed at all. He still drinks A LOT. Whenever moms not around he yells at us because we've done "something" wrong and gives us some sort of punishment. I mean, this is just turning into three years ago all over again. There's only so much I can do to protect my brother from all of this again.

I'm not even sure where I was going with this post in the end. I just felt like I wanted to talk about this I guess. Get it off my chest
If he gets violent donít hesitate to call 911
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Old August 2nd, 2020, 09:24 AM   #3
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

If this continues, or escalates, please don't hesitate to call 911 or CPS. No one deserves to be abused, especially children by their own parents.
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Old August 2nd, 2020, 04:45 PM   #4
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I hope you and your brother got therapy to help you deal with your dad in the past. You certainly need someone on your side now.

As I was reading your post, I was thinking "well, maybe he's stopped drinking and he's back to the man she originally met;" it does happen. But then I was disappointed to read he's drinking again and back to his old behaviors, except that now he's more cautious to only engage in these behaviors when your mom is gone.

It's too bad school isn't in session and you could talk to a counselor or teacher.
Is there any adult you can talk to about this?

Calling 9-1-1 is helpful when he's doing something wrong. I'm not sure they could do anything about him 'yelling' at you for some reason. What kind of punishment does he give you?

Could you try to get into some sort of therapy?
You could call Child Protective Services, but I often wonder what homelife is like if they don't find the situation to be abusive.

There's a group called alateen (a part of the Al-Anon groups), which is a peer support group for teens living with, or dealing with alcoholics. Maybe you could find one in your area. I realize you may have difficulty attending a meeting due to transportation, or permission to leave home, but maybe it could work out and someone will have an idea.

I'm really concerned about you and your brother and am sorry I can't give more concrete advice. I wish school was in session; you'd have more resources.

In any case, I'd try to talk to some adult about it, or get in touch with CPS. Are they any relatives from your mom's side of the family nearby, who know how he acted before?

Please let us know how things go.
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Old August 2nd, 2020, 05:10 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Zndr View Post
The situation between my parents relationship is totally effed up. A few years ago their relationship just totally fell apart. Lots of yelling and arguing pretty much every night. Dad was drinking more and more. He started make more and more threats against me and my brother, though I did my best to shield him from all of this as best I could at the time. I would take the punishments for him whenever possible. Mom finally kicked dad out and divorced him. To give an idea, I was 10 and my brother was 6 at the time. There was mental abuse that took a while for me and my brother to get over.

So flash forward to about a month ago. Mom revealed that she has been seeing dad again and he was going to move back in with us. My first question was dont you remember why you left that POS before, but she is insisting he has changed and he's a better person than he used to be. For me all of the memories of the abuse are just flooding back after being buried away. The first time my brother saw him again he totally freaked out and hid in our room. He's been having a lot of nightmares about dad doing stuff to him now. Mom just dismisses it saying all kids have nightmares and he'll grow out of them.

Being around dad the last three weeks, its looking less and less like hes changed at all. He still drinks A LOT. Whenever moms not around he yells at us because we've done "something" wrong and gives us some sort of punishment. I mean, this is just turning into three years ago all over again. There's only so much I can do to protect my brother from all of this again.

I'm not even sure where I was going with this post in the end. I just felt like I wanted to talk about this I guess. Get it off my chest
Like everyone on here I am truly sorry that you have to go through this especially since it appeared that your life was going to be all right when your Father had left the house after your Mother divorced him. There is no logical explanation on why people do what they do especially your Mother taking your Father back despite everything he has done. More than anything understand that anything that has happened and is happening is not your fault, and you are dealing with two very irrational people.

The obvious thing to do is to call child protective services if your Father is going out of control which is oftentimes easier said than done. Chances are your Mother probably warned you not to do so, and if you do call into such a place, then your Mother might get sucked into this whole issue as well. However, if your Father is going beyond being a mean drunk and is actually threatening your family, then you have to do what you have to do.

What I would suggest is if your Mother will not do anything to help you folks out is that you come up with a safe house or safe place to where you and your Brother can go if your Father is out of control. My guess is your Father is one of those drunks that might need a couple of hours for the alcohol to work through his system when he is drunk to get back to a semi-normal state. Even if someone will not let you into their homes, especially with the whole pandemic thing, safe places can include an area mall, local store such as a Target or Wal-Mart, or a public place like a park of some sort. If your Father is following you around and is giving you a hard time, then just hang out in the lobby of the police station which will scare him away pretty fast. Many times you can have safety in numbers at public places where there are usually a crowd of people and oftentimes security guards due to the pandemic thing. If you cannot leave your house, then at least try to find a safe area of it where your Father cannot get to you and your Brother. If your Father is problematic at night, then just make sure your bedroom door has a good lock on it.

I would say it would be best not to respond to your Father if he is drunk and is looking to start up a fight. Just go along with what he says in the hopes he will get bored and move onto other things. Trying to confront a drunk rarely ends up doing any good, and you just have to wait for your Father to cycle through his issues.

You cannot change your Father's behavior or your Mother's reaction to it. However, you can change your behavior by ensuring that you never drink or do what your Father does, and you can, hopefully, influence your Brother not to do the same. Your Father clearly has a mental health issue causing him to drink while your Mother probably is afraid about being alone meaning she is willing to tolerate anyone to live with her no matter how dangerous they are.

I think once school starts and if you have the ability to physically go back to school, then it would not be a bad idea to do so assuming it is safe for you to go to school. Between the Pandemic and your Father you have no good options, but I think putting some space between you and your Father would be best. If your Father is really getting out of control, then you should tell a teacher or counselor at school to see what your next steps are. If you are concerned that your Mother could get in trouble alongside your Father, then I would not worry especially since she clearly put her welfare ahead of you and your Brother despite the obvious danger your Father is. Sometimes you have to let things fail before they can get better than they are.

You might want to try Al-Anon/Alateen that helps people exactly like you and can provide you guidance: https://al-anon.org/. There might even be a local chapter in your area.

Do not get discouraged, and know that, unfortunately, a lot of other people face the issues you have. Just take things one day at a time, and if you are in danger, then make use of resources around you since you are not alone.

Last edited by Second Chance; August 2nd, 2020 at 11:13 PM. Reason: add words
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Old August 2nd, 2020, 05:21 PM   #6
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

It's awful of your mother to put a relationship before your safety.


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Old August 3rd, 2020, 12:36 AM   #7
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

I was a little bit worried about coming back to this post. I thought dad might somehow find out about it but I'm probably being paranoid. I'll try to adress some things. I've tried to tell mom about what is happening again but she dismisses it as me just hating him and trying to break them up again, which she tells dad about which leads to me being punished because of it. I don't know, maybe its deserved for saying bad things about dad. Iíve already been told not to bother calling anybody about this because what am I going to tell them? I'm being punished for doing something wrong and I don't like it? I guess that is a fair point.

The stuff he does to me and my brother varies on how drunk he is. Usually its a lot of yelling at us about how worthless we are and how much he hates us and regrets having us. He can get...physical sometimes, but thats usually when we do something really wrong that we deserve to be punished for. I do my absolute best to keep my brother shielded from him. Usually that means I have to take the full force of dads anger but I got used to it 3 years ago and I can do it again I guess.

Our bedroom doesn't have a lock on it, but I'll think about a solution to that. Maybe we could block the door with something? We can't leave the house or else we would get into serious trouble.
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Old August 3rd, 2020, 10:48 AM   #8
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

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Originally Posted by Zndr View Post
I was a little bit worried about coming back to this post. I thought dad might somehow find out about it but I'm probably being paranoid. I'll try to adress some things. I've tried to tell mom about what is happening again but she dismisses it as me just hating him and trying to break them up again, which she tells dad about which leads to me being punished because of it. I don't know, maybe its deserved for saying bad things about dad. Iíve already been told not to bother calling anybody about this because what am I going to tell them? I'm being punished for doing something wrong and I don't like it? I guess that is a fair point.

The stuff he does to me and my brother varies on how drunk he is. Usually its a lot of yelling at us about how worthless we are and how much he hates us and regrets having us. He can get...physical sometimes, but thats usually when we do something really wrong that we deserve to be punished for. I do my absolute best to keep my brother shielded from him. Usually that means I have to take the full force of dads anger but I got used to it 3 years ago and I can do it again I guess.

Our bedroom doesn't have a lock on it, but I'll think about a solution to that. Maybe we could block the door with something? We can't leave the house or else we would get into serious trouble.
You can be punished or grounded within reason, but if your dad gets physically violent as you've said, he can't really do that and you'd be well justified if you choose to tell someone about it.

The first thing I'd try is to talk to your mom again, but when your dad isn't around. Tell her what your dad is doing. If she refuses to help or do anything then think about whether there is anyone else you can talk to? Maybe you can turn to any relative (grandparent, aunt/uncle, etc.) - and go to them and talk to them about it because maybe they can do something. A relative or family friend would not be a bad idea. Once school starts teachers and school counselors would be another options.

I know that most kids would not ever call 911 on their parents, while it's easy to give that advice, if you're the kid who actually has to call the police on your parents, then it takes an incredibly enormous amount of willpower to do something like this and most actually don't. This is why I say it's easier to talk to other trusted adults. Keep in mind that talking to relatives or teachers or someone at school may possibly lead to you and your brother being removed from your home and being placed in the foster care system either temporarily or for longer term depending on the situation. Unfortunately I can say (from experience) that sometimes foster homes can turn out just as bad or worse than your original home you were trying to get out of, but not always and hopefully it won't for you if this is the way you end up choosing to go.

I guess this is all for you to think about - how much more are you willing to tolerate as far as physical violence goes in your home? Do you think you can get it to stop without going to one of the more serious options? Do you think you can resolve this "diplomatically" or any chance that your dad would change? Again if it's physical violence as you've said it is, then there's no reason why you have to accept that and you are 100% justified in wanting to tell someone about it. Good luck.
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Old August 3rd, 2020, 10:55 AM   #9
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I was a little bit worried about coming back to this post. I thought dad might somehow find out about it but I'm probably being paranoid.
Unless your Father is an IT person who is a wizard at computers it is unlikely he can see what you are posting on here. Especially when he is drunk chances are he would not even be able to use technology in a meaningful way to see what you are doing. As a result, if there are forums like this on which you can get advice, then you should get perspectives on your situation.

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I'll try to adress some things. I've tried to tell mom about what is happening again but she dismisses it as me just hating him and trying to break them up again, which she tells dad about which leads to me being punished because of it. I don't know, maybe its deserved for saying bad things about dad.
The problem right here is your Mother and not you. Saying "bad things" about your Father implies that you are making thing up and are deliberately trying to make him look bad unjustifiably. However, in this case your Father is clearly doing some very bad things, and he has to live with the consequences of those actions rather than blaming others for his mistakes.

It is pretty clear that your Mother and Father are a tag team right now, and it is not worth bringing stuff up to her especially if she is a conduit of information for your Father. It is unfortunate that your Mother is placing your Father's welfare above everyone else's, but the problem is with her and not with you.

You do not deserve to be punished for expressing your opinions and feelings, and you have a right to express them in a positive way. After all, I am sure you are basing your words on fact and the exact circumstances of what is happening. Not meaning to sound rude, but your Mother is most likely blinded by her love of your Father refusing to recognize the bad things going on around her. You see this all the time with parents who have an abusive spouse/partner and the person ultimately does something really bad to the children and the other parent claims not to know what is happening.

You are not doing anything wrong for pointing out the obvious and for expressing yourself. You are right to point out the absurdity of the situation in which you live despite those around you not seeing the problems. You are in a situation where the inmates are guarding the prison.


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Iíve already been told not to bother calling anybody about this because what am I going to tell them? I'm being punished for doing something wrong and I don't like it? I guess that is a fair point.
In this case the issue is not getting in trouble for doing "something wrong" but rather your Father getting drunk and abusing you either mentally or physically. Your Father has the problem and not you, and your instincts are correct knowing that your situation is not normal.


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The stuff he does to me and my brother varies on how drunk he is. Usually its a lot of yelling at us about how worthless we are and how much he hates us and regrets having us. He can get...physical sometimes, but thats usually when we do something really wrong that we deserve to be punished for. I do my absolute best to keep my brother shielded from him. Usually that means I have to take the full force of dads anger but I got used to it 3 years ago and I can do it again I guess.
Doing "something wrong" is very subjective, and my guess is that things that would not bother your Father at all when he is sober clearly is a problem when he is drunk. Your Father could be a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde when he is drunk, and he is the one who has major issues as you no doubt have noticed.

You do not have to get used to the abuse, and do not let your Father's words define you because he is not right under any circumstances. The reality is that the alcohol has taken over and the person who you see is not who your Father is.

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Our bedroom doesn't have a lock on it, but I'll think about a solution to that. Maybe we could block the door with something? We can't leave the house or else we would get into serious trouble.
If your Father is getting out of control and is trying to cause trouble, then blocking your door with furniture or something along those lines is your best bet. If you are not allowed to leave the house, then it is best not to do so to avoid antagonizing the situation.

I would see if Alateen can be of any use to you especially since it is doing a lot of things remotely now in light of the Pandemic. I think Alateen can be helpful for you and put things in perspective regarding your situation.

If you are allowed to go back to school, then you should talk to a counselor and figure out how best to handle this situation. Your Mother is very much in the wrong for letting your Father back into the house, and your Father is clearly the problem in the family and not you.
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Old August 3rd, 2020, 11:10 AM   #10
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

I don't think anyone on here can actually give you the solution you need. But the advice in this thread has been excellent so far.

The only way out of this for you is to talk. If you're in danger, then your first place to call is the police or, failing that, any social services available to you as long as they can react quickly.

This forum might possibly offer you more practical help but I'm sure we're all glad you aired this situation to us. However it goes, some here have put a lot of thought into your difficulty, and we'd all like you to keep in touch with details and updates of how you're getting along to finding solutions to the terrible position you find yourself in.

Good luck, keep talking to us and, more importantly, get professional advice quickly.
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Old August 3rd, 2020, 12:37 PM   #11
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I do appreciate the replies. I'm surprised any of you would spend the time to help me honestly. I wouldn't want to get my mom in trouble by talking to someone. We've had our own...troubles in the past but in the end she has still given us a place to live. And I'm not sure about foster system. It doesn't exactly sound any better, and I dont want to take any chances of being separated from my brother. I have to be with him to protect him.

And the stuff we are getting in trouble for/punished for is normal stuff any kid gets in trouble for, so again its like my parents said, all I'd be complaining about if I told someone is that I don't like how we are being punished for leaving out a toy or being to loud while dad is watching TV or not getting dad a beer quick enough. Does he sometimes end up beating us for it? Sometimes, but I don't know is that really that much different than getting spanked in the end?
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Old August 3rd, 2020, 05:23 PM   #12
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Default Re: Abusive dad is back

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I do appreciate the replies. I'm surprised any of you would spend the time to help me honestly. I wouldn't want to get my mom in trouble by talking to someone. We've had our own...troubles in the past but in the end she has still given us a place to live. And I'm not sure about foster system. It doesn't exactly sound any better, and I dont want to take any chances of being separated from my brother. I have to be with him to protect him.

And the stuff we are getting in trouble for/punished for is normal stuff any kid gets in trouble for, so again its like my parents said, all I'd be complaining about if I told someone is that I don't like how we are being punished for leaving out a toy or being to loud while dad is watching TV or not getting dad a beer quick enough. Does he sometimes end up beating us for it? Sometimes, but I don't know is that really that much different than getting spanked in the end?
Well Iím sure we all appreciate the update, itís good to hear, I guess

But a couple things....why do you mention the foster system so fast?
Just cause some stuff isnít going so great?
And if the foster system is involved, I know theyíll likely put both of you in the system, and they try like hell to keep siblings together

Sure kids do shift to piss off parents for whatever reason, thatís just part of life

But that doesnít give them the right to give you a beating. Sorry, thatís wrong, and tbh I canít think of a reason that would justify a beating

What that tells me about him is he has no parenting skills, social skill, or coping skills developed enough to deal with inner conflict. And HE needs help

Ask me how I know this, go ahead.....been there....heís like a little kid who canít get what he wants so he beats it out of you till he wins

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Old August 3rd, 2020, 06:05 PM   #13
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I do appreciate the replies. I'm surprised any of you would spend the time to help me honestly. I wouldn't want to get my mom in trouble by talking to someone.
There is no one here who wants your Mum or anyone else in your family to get into trouble, and the ideal situation is that your Father would just keep to himself and do his own thing. However, the reality is that your Mother has decided her happiness is more important than you and your Brother's safety. The fact of the matter is that she has not only kicked your Father out but also divorced him at some point (based upon your introduction) meaning she realized at some point he was no good and took the time, effort, and spent the money to remove him from your lives. Despite all of that she has turned around and invited the same person who caused all the problems in the first place right back in. At this stage I cannot have too much sympathy for your Mother since she has chosen to let a problem continue despite ample evidence to get rid of it. Granted, your Mother could be scared of your Father, and your Father might have threatened her to let him back in which are all issues that cannot be denied. However, if the situation is bad and your Mother is not doing anything about it, then she is as bad as your Father who is doing the abusing.

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We've had our own...troubles in the past but in the end she has still given us a place to live. And I'm not sure about foster system. It doesn't exactly sound any better, and I dont want to take any chances of being separated from my brother. I have to be with him to protect him.
I agree with the poster above that foster care is the last resort for governmental authorities because it is expensive to take kids in, and the policies for most governmental authorities are to keep families together. However, I do understand your fear about getting separated from your Brother and the two of you being sent to foster care facilities. You are between a rock and a hard place, but I think that in most cases the Department of Family Services will start out with an investigator looking at the situation before taking drastic action.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself is if you are all right living in a situation where you and your Brother are in danger? The fact that you have made this thread and brought up your concerns shows that the situation you have is not normal by any standards, and my guess is when your Father was not around the situation was manageable. Are you willing to spend the duration of your teenage years living in a situation where you are abused, suffer mental damage, and have your Brother grow up in a situation where he thinks the abnormal is normal? It is super scary to ask for help especially if that could lead to your parents getting into trouble, but I think it would be worse if either you or your Brother or both end up getting hurt by your Father or end up so mentally damaged that you are unable to have a good life as a result.

I do agree with the poster above that you can go from the frying pan into the fire when it comes to getting the authorities involved, and there are times that foster homes are just as bad as the home you had left. That is why I will not patronize you by saying you should call social services and hope for the best. I like the advice above that if there is some relative nearby or some trusted adult you can turn to for help, then that would be good.

At very least, see if you can come to a compromise with your living arrangements and see if there is a way if you can do certain things that your Father in turn will leave you alone. For example, if you promise to get him his beers at a certain time and keep your room clean, then can you and your Brother be allowed to go to the park for a certain period of time? Trying to come to a compromise or finding a diplomatic way to resolve this situation so that you can do your own thing while not being at risk for abuse would be ideal. The best case scenario is that your Father can have a place to stay and drink as he likes provided he leaves you and your Brother alone. If you can bring that up with your Mother, then I think that would be the best outcome for you if this living arrangement will not change anytime soon.

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Originally Posted by Zndr View Post
And the stuff we are getting in trouble for/punished for is normal stuff any kid gets in trouble for, so again its like my parents said, all I'd be complaining about if I told someone is that I don't like how we are being punished for leaving out a toy or being to loud while dad is watching TV or not getting dad a beer quick enough. Does he sometimes end up beating us for it? Sometimes, but I don't know is that really that much different than getting spanked in the end?
Children obviously have to be punished when they do wrong which is normal. There are always consequences for bad behavior, but there is a limit to the magnitude of the actions that can be taken. While this is a silly example, to kill a housefly one would use a flyswatter - one would not use a bazooka to kill a small insect. Likewise, is it rational that your Father is beating you up for small infractions? This cannot be a situation of kicking the dog when one is angry or is feeling badly, and you and your Brother are people and not punching bags on which your Father can take out his anger. Sure, if you do something wrong, then you need to be punished accordingly. However, the punishment has to be rational and not something that is out of proportion for what the issue is.

Based upon what you have told us it seems like when your Father was out of the picture the situation in your household seemed to be somewhat stable. Now that your Father is around it seems like everything is going off track which shows your Father is the issue.

I would say that if there are things you know get your Father upset, then you and your Brother should try to avoid doing those things until a long-term solution can be found for your living situation. For example, if being loud while your Father is watching television or leaving out toys is something that gets him mad, then avoid doing so to avoid providing an excuse for your Father going after you. That way if you do what you are supposed to do and your Father still goes after you, then you are blameless.

At very least talk your issues out even if you do not want to get anyone involved. Never keep things inside thinking your feelings have no value. Between you and your Brother you both have to understand that what you both are seeing is not normal and is how adults should act. If you are horrified by what you see, then make sure you never do those things in your life and teach your Brother to do the same. You cannot control others, but you definitely can control yourself.

My strong suggestion is that you visit the Alateen website https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-corner-alateen/ and work through the resources available through it. There are a lot of other people in your same boat, and Alateen is a great place to start to figure out how you can deal with your situation which certainly is not hopeless or impossible.

My final word is that no one should ever be afraid to go home and be at home. It is not natural to hate to be at the one place in the world where a person should feel safe.

Last edited by Second Chance; August 3rd, 2020 at 11:11 PM. Reason: add words
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Old August 4th, 2020, 03:39 AM   #14
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I was quick to mention the foster system only because it was mentioned before and I was just giving my thoughts about it. Or maybe I really do just want to get us out of this house that badly. The closest family we have living to us is over 800 miles away so I don't know about that. Maybe I could take a bunch of money from my parents room and we could take busses there? We haven't talked to them in a few years since my mom had a big fight with them but they would probably take us in if we showed up?

Keeping dad happy when he's drunk isn't really easy. He's unpredictable. If he's upset by something on TV then we pray we haven't done something wrong. Sometimes I imagine beating him up, but then I realize how badly I'll be punished for it afterwards and realize how stupid of an idea it really was. The idea of smoking weed has entered my mind lately whenever dads drunk just to make it easier to deal with but I think that's just my impulsive mind trying to get me in trouble again.

I will take a look around that website though.
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Old August 4th, 2020, 04:15 AM   #15
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Running away isnít a good option imo. Especially if yiur gong to steal your parents money.
If you run away, theyíll know something is up because the cash is gone first, and theyíll be on your trail.
Youíll be slaughtered out like a criminal (which is what youíll be considered) in all areas. Youíll not be able to get a hotel room to sleep, food to eat, place to hide, and buss station will be looking for you.
And if you beat them to the bust station, yjwh will be questioned, they have cameras, they know where you are headed, and be there when the bus stops at the next place it stops

Running is no good option. If it lasts more that a few days, youíll be sleeping during the day, out in the woods someplace, and sneaking around at night looking for food and rides from strangers, at 2 am

You know what kinda guy wants to give you a ride at 3 am?

If you havenít spoken with the family in so long, maybe reach out to them on the phone. Just say high, see how they are doing first. Gain some trust in them before opening up about your situation.

If you are getting beatings on a regular basis, does mom know this? If not have you told her?

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Old August 4th, 2020, 06:12 AM   #16
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Me and my brother leaving wouldnt be totally out of the question. Its one of the things dad tells us we should do anyways. I'm not really even sure he would even realize the money would be missing honestly. Again Iíve told my mom about everything thats going on but she just thinks I'm making it up to break them up again because I hate dad. I dont know the phone number of my family. I only know their address because they still try to send us cards every year.

If we were to wind up on the side of the road being picked up by some guy at 3am, I know what he'd want. I let him do what he wants to me and he gets us closer to our destination. Its not that big of a deal. Its not my first time anyways. But I do still see what you are saying about just leaving being a bad idea as well I suppose. If I didn't have you to talk to I may have just done it acting on impulse
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Old August 4th, 2020, 10:47 AM   #17
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I was quick to mention the foster system only because it was mentioned before and I was just giving my thoughts about it. Or maybe I really do just want to get us out of this house that badly.
Your fears of the foster care system are valid, and I think some others on here have mentioned that it is hit or miss whether or not it works out. If things are really bad at your house to the point where your Father is a threat to you and your Brother and your Mother refuses to do anything, then you might have no choice but to contact someone since you would have nothing to lose at that point. Everything depends on how bad your abuse is and if you are getting absolutely no support from your Mother.

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The closest family we have living to us is over 800 miles away so I don't know about that. Maybe I could take a bunch of money from my parents room and we could take busses there? We haven't talked to them in a few years since my mom had a big fight with them but they would probably take us in if we showed up?
I completely agree with the poster above that stealing money and jumping on a bus running away is a bad idea. I would add to his points that how do you know that the family you have would take you in, and how do you know they are better than what you have now? I would develop a relationship with the family members firstly and then see how things go from there. However, never just leave because running away will only put you in the wrong and would result in your being separated from your Brother. If you have to exit your house, then it should be done through social services who in turn could contact your family on your behalf if you have no where to go.

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Keeping dad happy when he's drunk isn't really easy. He's unpredictable. If he's upset by something on TV then we pray we haven't done something wrong. Sometimes I imagine beating him up, but then I realize how badly I'll be punished for it afterwards and realize how stupid of an idea it really was.
I would not beat yourself up for thinking out loud. Even if an idea is not the best one at least it will lead you to think things through and figure out a better plan. You certainly are not stupid by any means, and at least you are thinking things through which is what a lot of people do not do.

Alcoholics are very unpredictable, and the reality is anything can set them off. The most you can do is keep up with what you need to do and not give your Father any excuses to go after you.

As for beating up your Father, while you might have grown and be physically equal to him in the end of the day it would really accomplish nothing. Judging by what you are telling us of your Mother she might just take your Father's side, throw you out, and then you would be away from your Brother. You certainly should be able to defend yourself if you are attacked which you must do, but I would never recommend going on the offensive against your Father. Especially in the unlikely event your Father gets injured in a fight with you, then you might be blamed even though your Father was the instigator. Again, if you have to defend yourself, then that is one thing; however, never go on the offensive with an alcoholic.

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The idea of smoking weed has entered my mind lately whenever dads drunk just to make it easier to deal with but I think that's just my impulsive mind trying to get me in trouble again.
I would not recommend any substance abuse whatsoever in your case. You have seen what substance abuse has done to your Father, and you do not want to go down the road of using artificial things to deal with your problems as your Father is. I know there are people out there who feel smoking, Marijuana use, drinking, etc. are normal, and I do not want to get into a debate about that. All I am saying is in your specific case substance use will lead to bad things with your Father being a prime example. You have a right to feel upset, frustrated, and mad, and you certainly should have a way of dealing with your pain. The best way to deal with that pain is talking to someone and developing strategies to handle the mental anguish. If it takes calling social services on your Father and your ending up in a foster home so that you are not taking drugs, which Marijuana is, then it is far best to do that than to get a drug habit. Believe me, you do not want to start with any substance abuse especially since you have a family history of it with your Father being the poster child of what substance abuse can do to a person.

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I will take a look around that website though.
I think Alateen might be a good resource for you, and I think it even has moderated forums at certain times of the day. Sadly, you are not the only person out there with this sort of issue, and you will find that a lot of people have overcome your situation. The fact that you are reaching out and not taking drugs or drinking yourself to overcome your feelings is itself an accomplishment.

There is a sticky thread in this subforum that offers a lot of good advice on abuse, and you should check it out: https://www.virtualteen.org/forums/s...ad.php?t=43606. Off of it I had gotten the number for Childhelp which assists folks like you: https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/. If you are from another country than the United States, then the sticky thread has links to organizations in other places.

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Me and my brother leaving wouldnt be totally out of the question. Its one of the things dad tells us we should do anyways. I'm not really even sure he would even realize the money would be missing honestly.
When it comes to money everyone will notice it is missing which is why never assume that even when your Father is drunk that he does not notice. Substance abusers need money for their habits, and you would be surprised how mathematically inclined they are when it comes to paying for their desires.

As for your Father wanting you and your Brother gone, do not take it personally. At this point he is out of his mind, and when substance abuse of any form (alcohol, drugs, etc.) take over, then the person no longer recognizes what is important and what is not. The substance takes over, and everything in the person's life is devoted to getting more of the high at all costs. I am sure had your Father been well he would have been a decent parent, but because he is very sick he does not know what he is doing or what he is saying. Your challenge is not to be like him by using any substances including Marijuana or other things because using that to cover up the pain is simply what your Father is doing.

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Again I’ve told my mom about everything thats going on but she just thinks I'm making it up to break them up again because I hate dad.
At this stage do not worry about your Mother's thoughts since she is like a horse with blinders right now. You would think a Mother would listen to her child, but for whatever reason your Mother is on Cloud 9 right now with your Father. My guess is until something happens to her she will not listen to logic. Based upon your earlier words about your Mother getting into a fight with her family who lives 800 miles away my guess is she is someone who has her own mind and listens to no one.

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I dont know the phone number of my family. I only know their address because they still try to send us cards every year.
Having your family's address is a start, and you can always send them a letter introducing yourself and making contact. I know that letter writing in this digital world seems old fashioned, but if you can ask for your family's e-mail address or digital information, then that could be a way you can reach out to them for help. Otherwise, I suppose you can try to find them through Facebook, Instagram, or some other social media assuming that your family is tech savvy.

If your Mother has a smartphone and you suspect she has your family's number stored on it, then you can probably get it off of that. If you cannot get access to your Mother's telephone easily, then you can claim that you need to do an update on it and use that opportunity to get the information you need.

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If we were to wind up on the side of the road being picked up by some guy at 3am, I know what he'd want. I let him do what he wants to me and he gets us closer to our destination. Its not that big of a deal. Its not my first time anyways.
This is really troubling if you are implying you have been molested before. You never want anyone to touch you inappropriately or use you like a tissue. Nothing in this world is worth sacrificing your personal dignity, and never let anyone touch you or use you so that you can survive. If your situation is that bad where someone is using you in that way, then you have to get social services involved because abuse of that sort is never all right ever.

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But I do still see what you are saying about just leaving being a bad idea as well I suppose. If I didn't have you to talk to I may have just done it acting on impulse
Always think logically about your plans and think about the big picture. You are in a tough place, and not one person here is claiming to have all the answers for you. We can only provide you guidance based upon our experiences in the hopes that something can give you an idea on how best to get help.

What I will say is never use alcohol, drugs, or other substances to deal with problems; avoid physical confrontations with your Father; never let anyone touch you inappropriately for any reason; see if there is a way you can reach out to your family; know that your parents' problems are theirs and not caused by you; and that you should reach out for help from the authorities if you are in danger because the option of doing nothing might be the most damaging to you and your Brother if there is no improvement.

Last edited by Second Chance; August 4th, 2020 at 11:07 AM. Reason: add words
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Old August 4th, 2020, 12:56 PM   #18
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Second Chance and JT, you both are investing so much time in me. I almost dont feel like I'm worth it. I know you guys are saying leaving home to go to my other families house is a bad idea, but for some reason this idea is sticking in my mind. I dont like calling it running away since I feel like that means you don't have a destination other than leaving home but I guess it still would be considered running away. After talking and thinking more and more with you guys the one thing I do know is no matter which way me and my brother end up leaving, the next time we leave our house we are never coming back. If I were to call social services would they for sure remove us?

I guess I'll better adress this. When I was 5 I had a new babysitter. In exchange for certain things he would let me do whatever I wanted every day. He told me it was normal and he never actually hurt me. He was actually the most gentle of the guys I've been with. Over the next few years he had some friends I had to meet with and I started to learn the type of guys who wanted me. Iíve learned I can use that to my advantage now. I see a guy who works at a gas station for example who looks right, I let him do what he wants with me and he let's me have free stuff in return. Its not a big deal really
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Old August 4th, 2020, 06:23 PM   #19
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Second Chance and JT, you both are investing so much time in me. I almost dont feel like I'm worth it.
For those who have been down this road before it is only natural that they would feel passionate about this topic. Far be it for me or anyone else to tell you what to do or how to think, but all any of us do can give you the benefit of our experience in the hopes that you will benefit in some way so that you will be safe. When it is all said and done all of us want you to be safe and be able to live a healthy, productive life. The whole goal of this website is to help others which is why it is worth it responding to this thread.

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I know you guys are saying leaving home to go to my other families house is a bad idea, but for some reason this idea is sticking in my mind. I dont like calling it running away since I feel like that means you don't have a destination other than leaving home but I guess it still would be considered running away.
The fact of the matter is that your parents at this point have custody of both you and your Brother, and you both are minors. The result is that you cannot go anywhere you want because you are under their custody. If you leave the house without their permission, then you have basically run away meaning that they have every right to get you back.

Without knowing about your relatives who live 800 miles away from you it is tough to tell you if even thinking about living with them is logical. My hope is that those family members are very nice people who would love you unconditionally and would take care of you and your Brother as you both no doubt deserve. However, without knowing the relatives and who they really are you should not get your hopes up too high or have an unreasonable expectation of them.

As JT had mentioned, in this post 9/11 world with all the security out there even at bus stations there is no way you could purchase bus tickets alone let alone make it very far on a bus without the authorities looking for you. Being around creepy people who prey on young boys is not an option.

Your challenge is to figure out who your relatives are and if they are honestly worth the effort to reach. You need to figure out if they are good or just as bad as where you are now only 800 miles away.

Finally, remember that there are some very bad people out there who would love nothing better than to go after young boys such as you and your Brother especially if you are traveling alone. You do not want to end up becoming one of those missing kids we hear so much about which is why you should work within the system where you are. Simply going away on your own at your age is dangerous and will cause problems especially if you end up in the wrong hands.

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After talking and thinking more and more with you guys the one thing I do know is no matter which way me and my brother end up leaving, the next time we leave our house we are never coming back.
I hope that none of us sound patronizing by simply saying leave and hope for the best. Leaving home is scary, and calling the authorities on parents is truly frightening as someone else mentioned on this thread. None of us can promise you that by leaving that things will immediately get better. With that being said, based upon what you have mentioned below and what you have told us thus far it seems like your parents are not meeting your basic needs and are not adequately supervising and guiding both you and your Brother.

You have some homework to do, and my strong suggestion is that you contact Alateen and work with the Child Help Network and figure out what options you have in your area and if there is anything that can be done short of leaving home. It seems like both organizations have ways to contact them:

Alateen: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-c...get-connected/

Child Help: https://www.childhelp.org/contact/

You clearly have access to the internet and a computer or mobile device meaning you should be able to communicate with those organizations or your local Department of Children and Family Services digitally without having to use a telephone and your parents overhearing your conversation.

These folks are professionals and have resources and ideas that can help someone in your situation. Before doing anything drastic you should talk to the professionals to figure out what can be done.

I am not sure if schools in your area are reopening or not, but your school's counselor is also a great resource person if you have not already used him/her.

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If I were to call social services would they for sure remove us?
You raise a good question, and the best answer I can give you at this stage without knowing where you are is that I do not know. As a rule of thumb, if there is a complaint made an investigator will be sent out to your house and then will make contact with your parents. Unless there is something wrong at your house beyond a reasonable doubt such as the house falling apart and not being habitable or your parents openly acting insane there is a chance you could stay where you are, but everything depends upon the social worker who comes to your house. Usually, when you call social services you will be put on the line with a social worker who will ask you a lot of questions about your situation to see if your situation requires attention. I am not sure where you are, but usually within 24 to 48 hours a social worker will show up at your house and will start an investigation. I cannot promise you that everything will be easy and that you will be taken out at that point. However, if you are saying that both you and your Brother are being beaten up by your Father and that your Mother is not taking care of you, then your situation requires attention. Especially if you and your Brother have bruises and injuries that are obvious from your Father, then that usually can result in being taken away. There is a process that needs to happen because the reality is that not every call is child abuse. Judging by the way you describe your parents I think your situation should not be too difficult to prove. Without seeing where you live and exactly how your parents act it is difficult with certainty to tell you exactly what will happen. What I can say is if there are obvious signs of abuse and neglect, then chances are you and your Brother will be taken out.

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I guess I'll better adress this. When I was 5 I had a new babysitter. In exchange for certain things he would let me do whatever I wanted every day. He told me it was normal and he never actually hurt me. He was actually the most gentle of the guys I've been with. Over the next few years he had some friends I had to meet with and I started to learn the type of guys who wanted me. I’ve learned I can use that to my advantage now. I see a guy who works at a gas station for example who looks right, I let him do what he wants with me and he let's me have free stuff in return. Its not a big deal really
I am really sorry to hear this, and you were sexualized at an extremely young age not knowing what was happening. You were molested by some older boys who taught you that in order to get what you want that you have to give your body away which is not right at all. The result is it appears since the age of 5 you have been sexually abused by people who should have been protecting you, and the very people who you should have been able to trust used you to satisfy their sexual needs. What happened to you is a really big deal, and what those older boys did to you is not right under any circumstances.

If you get anything about this part of this post is that you need to know that you never have to sell your body to be liked or to get what you need. There are only two things in life we have that are completely ours: our mind and our bodies. Never give those things up for anything or ever sacrifice your personal dignity to live. I know what I am saying may not make sense to you especially since you have been taught that using your body to get what you need is normal which it is not. When you are in a safe place you have to talk to a counselor about this to unlearn this behavior which will take time. The issue is not morality or sexuality but rather your worth as a person. You are not a tissue that someone uses to get some pleasure and in return you get some favors. You are a person with feelings, and sexuality should only be shared with someone who truly loves you and accepts you. I know right now you are in a position where sexuality has been warped for you which is not your fault. My hope is that at very least you will not use your body as you have been doing and that you avoid contact with anyone who uses you sexually. It is going to be hard to do what I advise here, but think of it this way: would you feel comfortable if your Brother did the same thing? It will take time and therapy to set this right for you because you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. Your body is not a toy, and your mind is not disposable. Never give those up to just anyone no matter what those older boys had taught you.

I wanted to add one thing in light of JT's post below this one about your being groomed. JT used the word I was looking for but could not think because I was in shock about how anyone could have used you so badly since you were 5 years old. Sadly, there are other on this website who have had the same thing happen to them just as young as you. Basically, the babysitter taught you that sex acts you perform on others equals love. The fact that you were passed around a group of boys and were used as a defacto sex toy is sickening and that you now think that the way to get attention and love is by doing such things. None of us can tell you how to live your life or judge you, but those of us who have been down this road knows how this will end which is why we are telling you to get out before it is too late and get help now before you end up becoming a sex addict or worse. What happened to you was not your fault, and there is no way you could have known what was happening to you was abnormal especially when someone who was an authority figure in your life who you trusted violated you in the worst possible way. My suspicion is that you know something was not right about it which is why you have brought it up to us.

One thing I will definitely say is that you certainly are not a stupid person, and you seem rather thoughtful and intelligent. The fact that you are recognizing problems and are reaching out shows maturity and your desire to break the cycle. Based upon the molestation alone and your inability to get help where you are is why I would go to the authorities so that you can get out. After all, you do not want to grow up one day being one of those guys who touch children like what happened to you, and it is best to get help now so that you can gradually be all right.


I feel for your situation, but you have to think things through. Work within the system and do things gradually but steadily so that you are safe. Talk to Alateen and Child Help, and if things are really bad, then get in contact with your local Department of Children and Family Services. I cannot promise you that things will be easy if they get involved and that things will immediately get better than they are. It will take a lot of hard work on your part to be honest about who you are and to unlearn any bad things you have seen. It will be a process to get safe, but you will be safe in the end if you can think things through and work with the authorities in your area so that you can be placed in a location where you can gradually rebuild yourself. It is going to take a lot of hard work on your end to make things happen, but there are others who were like you on here who made it out and eventually were able to lead good lives.

I hope you will choose wisely.

Last edited by Second Chance; August 4th, 2020 at 11:11 PM. Reason: add words
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Old August 4th, 2020, 08:13 PM   #20
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This last part changes a lot. And l agree with everything @Second Chance said

But seems to me you were groomed and used by some sexual predators. I get what you are talking about, it happened to me for years with my own family
I though that the attention I was receiving was natural normal and loving. The way it should be

Man what an awakening I had when I realized that just wasn’t true

If you choose to live your life as you are now, that’s your choice. Who am I to judge. Right?


But you ready for that day you can’t stop it, defend yourself, make things you don’t want to happen stop....get the picture?

It’ll happen.....so look like it from this perspective....
If you want those things to happen, keep happening to you, and your brother, when you are no longer desirable, then just keep doing what your doing.....nothing else to do right? Your life is all aligned for you

If you don’t like that, if that last couple things I said made you uncomfortable or maybe a little sick.....then do something about it

But do the right thing by putting the most resources in your pocket, not against you by making a bad decision like running away

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