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Old June 2nd, 2019, 01:30 AM   #1
Riley2015's Forum Picture
Name: Riley
Join Date: July 13, 2015
Location: uk
Age: 18
Gender: Cisgender Male
Default I'm seriously fucked up and need help

i was going to post this in self harm as a lot of it is about self harm, but not sure it fits there, there is more to it than just self harm so i think its better here

i cut but other ways i've self harmed are

putting small pieces of toilet paper on my skin and setting it alight so that i get a small 1st/2nd degree burn (yeah i know its really horrible and nasty and yeah sometimes they have got infected and yeah i have some scars from it)

i don't smoke but i did get hold of cigarettes which i used to burn myself with

i rarely have access to alcohol but when i have had i binge drink it to make myself sick

punching myself in the balls and fantasising about chopping my penis off

when i was at school i sometimes provoked other boys so that they could batter me as punishment. now i am out of school i think about provoking guys in the street to earn a beating

sometimes i think about committing a crime to be sent to prison, yeah like its normal to want to be sent to prison!

WARNING this bit is nasty but i need to share it as this behaviour disturbs me just as much as it will disturb you when you read it and no one else knows about this its not an easy thing to own up to

i have eaten shit that came from other teenage boys when i blocked the school toilets and waited for a boy to come and use it to shit, then when it didn't flush he would leave it and i'd go in and just pick the shit out of the toilet and eat it

i hope i don't get banned for saying that stuff above, i know how wrong, weird and disgusting it is and i am a freak totally. its not like i can really defend stuff like that because, well, there is no defence other than i am clearly mentally ill and something is very wrong with me.

what kind of fucked up, self loathing individual am i and what the hell kind of a future will i have?! i don't respect myself so how will anyone else ever respect me? i don't even bother to wash much or brush my teeth, i smell and have bad breath as a result and my teeth will probably rot and decay and i don't seem to care. when i tried to kiss girls they told me about my breath being so bad and that it puts them off. whilst its embarrassing to be told by girls that i have bad breath it doesn't motivate me to start looking after my oral hygiene or feel bothered if my teeth decay

i have moaned on here many times about my dad and how he treats me but i held back a lot of information about how i behave and sometimes i just provoke him and get punished and i try to convince myself its unfair or i didn't do anything wrong when i did and social services had to be involved because so many things have happened

My mum does not want to see me as she can't handle me and my parents split up really because of me.

my dad will not allow me more freedom because he think i cannot be trusted unsupervised and cannot take care of myself, social services agree with him and deep down i know its true too but its a hard thing to face up to and i keep wanting to be defiant.

I think i probably just need to surrender to my dad and social services and stop trying to fight them, i need to be under their care because i can't look after myself and i do these fucked up things and when i turn 18 its not going to change so i really just need to stop being so defiant and just co operate more with my dad and social workers

not really sure what advice anyone is going to give me about this but i had to say it because i need to share it and be more honest about how screwed up i am and i have not told people the entire story and how i behave i only made my dad out to be a monster. he is strict yes, he does punish me yes, he does have rules for me yes, but i didn't admit that i need him to be strict because i am completely fucked up and out of control. when i am punished i always did something to deserve it and then i tried to convince myself i didn't and make excuses for myself

i am self destructive and self hating

Last edited by Riley2015; June 2nd, 2019 at 02:17 AM.
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Old June 2nd, 2019, 09:07 AM   #2
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Name: Emma
Join Date: May 31, 2019
Location: A House
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

Wow, I am far from a professional and this really seems like something a professional therapist or psychiatrist needs to handle. There could be so many things going on with you that for me who is just a kid herself to attempt to give answers and give the wrong ones it could just hurt the situation even more. It mean from what you are saying it sounds like you have this behavior that you thrive on people punishing you physically or you doing it to yourself. I have no clue why you are feeling this way. The only advice I can give you is seek professional help and open up to them just like you did here.
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Old June 3rd, 2019, 04:53 AM   #3
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Join Date: April 1, 2015
Location: USA
Gender: Other
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

You’ve been on VT a long time, I remember responding to you respectfully then, and will assume you aren’t trolling.

Professional help is needed, but I suspect a lot of your behaviors originate from oppositional defiance but also self-hate from a young age.

It would be very interesting if even as a child you were this wild. Most mammals instinctively know to stay away from their waste and from the smell of decay. You seeking it out, that’s odd, and goes against evolutionary theory. You also seem to have a masochistic part of your personality, and where that comes from needs explaining and treatment, which none of us are qualified to do here.

You will need professional help and therapy, and so will your dad.

If you are trolling these past 4 years just confess to it honestly to me. But trolling or not, my advice remains the same: SEEK PROFRSSIONAL HELP ASAP!!!

Last edited by Uniquemind; June 3rd, 2019 at 05:02 AM.
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Old June 3rd, 2019, 05:35 AM   #4
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Name: Andy
Join Date: August 23, 2013
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

Th only thing here is for u to open
up and vent but I would try and find
a therapist through social services to
go over the feelings u have about urself.
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Old June 4th, 2019, 01:18 AM   #5
Name: Amy and Annie
Join Date: April 21, 2019
Location: Australia
Gender: Female
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

How can you be eating shit?
You need to go get a blood test ASAP, it’s highly likely you have a hepatitis virus now
And see a psych
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Old June 4th, 2019, 01:25 AM   #6
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Name: Ryan
Join Date: March 14, 2018
Location: USA
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

Seeing a psychiatrist is the best thing you can do
I also think you should try to figure out why you have these thoughts and commit these behaviors. That could help explain what is going on. Best of luck, I hope you find the help you need.

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Old June 4th, 2019, 02:20 AM   #7
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Name: Anthony
Join Date: March 13, 2019
Location: Sydney, Australia
Gender: Male
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

It seems like you’ve had some really tough experiences - and it’s good you’ve acknowledged that you’re having some issues. It’s a really positive first step. The next step is difficult, but it’s important you find someone professional to talk to, may that be an online one to one with a psychologist, or, going to a doctor and getting checked out. The sooner you do this, the easier it is to get yourself out of it. Good luck!
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Old August 1st, 2020, 10:40 PM   #8
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Join Date: May 2, 2013
Location: Arizona
Age: 22
Gender: Cisgender Female
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

Have things improved for you?

Los Angeles Kings Fan Los Angeles Dodgers Fan
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Old August 4th, 2020, 07:03 PM   #9
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Name: Jake
Join Date: May 23, 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Default Re: I'm seriously fucked up and need help

Please do not bump old threads

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FKA The Byrd
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