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First month of 2018 | Worst Month of my life.

Posted February 1st, 2018 at 05:30 AM by RavenTheGoddess
Updated February 1st, 2018 at 05:30 AM by RavenTheGoddess (potentially misleading title)

I've been trying to have a positive attitude towards life starting this year, but apparently I'm not allowed to be happy. January of 2018 has been the worst month of my life. I've been having troubles sleeping and in one month alone I had two panic attacks. That's not nearly as bad as what happened yesterday though. I thought yesterday was going to be another average day. The day was going good until I was given the devastating news that our 6 year old chocolate lab/pitbull mix had passed away that morning. A week prior, he had refused to eat anything and had had two seizures on top of beginning to growl at us anytime we tried to pet him or get less than two inches away. Just before this, he did manage to get loose for who knows how long. We have suspicions on what caused this, but we plan on looking into it further so that we know for sure.

It's just like life to pull this sort of shit. When I finally start feeling happy again, life slaps me in the face to show me that I'll never be happy again. Anything that has brought me joy will leave me, and I'll always be alone. What did I ever do to deserve this? Am I just something to misuse to everyone, even life? Something to treat like shit just because they had a rough time? The only people to ever show me love or respect have been my family and only two friends. Only two people out of the hundreds I've met were willing to give me a chance. Ever since I was born, anyone and everyone outside my family have hated me, and done all they can to continue to break me down and destroy someone who had hopes and dreams, someone who was a good person and only wanted to make friends and be happy. Now all I have are regrets for what could have been and severed bonds. Nobody ever gives me a chance to show them that they're just destroying a good person. Why the malice, why am I just everyone's plaything, constantly being thrown around in emotional loops until I can't feel anything anymore? Hell, even when I couldn't, life still treated me like shit. Despite the fact that you could see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice that I was completely broken, they still went after me anyway and attacked me more. It never ends, and it never will end until I drop dead. Why do there have to be things that are keeping me from just dying? Family and friends who still care? Why don't they understand that I'm cursed? Doomed to live a life of torment where the only way to stop it is to die. Why? I don't understand anymore. I don't know what's truth and what's not anymore.

why me
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