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November 4th, 2017 | Blog Entry 1

Posted November 4th, 2017 at 07:58 PM by RavenTheGoddess

I'm making my first blog entry to sort of vent out a bit or speak about what's concerning me. So if you want a more interesting blog, don't look here :p

What's been bothering me lately is something that I've kept secret from many of my closest family members; me identifying as female. I think that me constantly being cautious about who knows this (in my personal life, of course) has started to affect my subconscious. For the past week or so, I've been having dreams about other people seeing me as female. This is honestly concerning me, because the last recurring dream I had actually came true. The last recurring dream of mine was about massive storms and tornadoes in the current town I live. About two months later, there was a small hurricane in the gulf that caused a lot of rain and I saw storms that I had only ever seen in the last state I resided in, and those storms had lightning every 2 seconds. This was before Harvey, by the way. Anyway, getting back on topic, the last recurring dream I had didn't end well, and the last thing I want is for the same to apply in this situation. The most powerful one I've had though, was on the night of November 3rd, 2017, a day before making this blog post.

In the dream, I was back in public school (I'm currently in an online school) with one of my best friends, Chris, who knows about me. I was to be assigned a locker, and the locker I had been assigned previously belonged to a missing student. Upon opening the locker, I found clothing that was just the right size for me (all women's clothing) and I took home with me to wash and wore them the next day. The clothing was a similar style to what I wear now; form fitting jeans and a black t-shirt with the bra also being black. I wore it to school the next day and I noticed people started calling me by the gender I identified as, despite my voice not changing, nor my face. The school day ended and my friend Chris and I walked through a run down neighborhood, and my exact words to him were "How the hell am I actually passing?" (passing as in being seen as female, and in a positive way instead of a negative like the wording may make it sound.) and he replied with "I have no idea." I remember being so happy to finally have people see me for who I really am.

I woke up to the sunlight beaming through my window and sighed, as if to say "God dammit, that was a good dream!".

- Please note I will delete any transphobic or hateful comments, so don't even think about it. (Gotta keep the trolls away)
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