I Hate Myself and My Life

[strange]

I hate myself, and I wish I could die. Seriously. I hate living all day, and I feel like I have to fake every laugh and smile most days. But the worst part is that there are minutes, hours, even one or two days where I'll feel perfectly happy and fine, because once in my life something is actually going right, and then something will come up and ruin it all. Its like lifes saying "Well here, this is what your life COULD be like, but only when hell freezes over will it stay like that." and like when they have those giveaways and you think, "well hey! I just one a new car!" and they go and say "well, you still need to pay 80% on it," and you end up spending more than what you hoped on a thing that's pretty to look at, but probably is going to last you only a year or two before it breaks down on a highway or something. Lessons learned here; nothing lasts forever, and everything comes with a price.

I think the worst part of it all is how everything will switch between good and bad. Its like make up your fucking mind. Either make me happier or kill me now, because who the hell wants to live in a world wondering when a happy moment happens, how long its going to last and what's going to come along and ruin it. Its not like I wake up each morning thinking each day's going to be terrible, there has been times where I've thought, "well, nothing can ruin this," or "I'm going to try my best to be happy," but it NEVER WORKS. No matter what I do, no matter what I think, no matter HOW HARD I TRY, nothing works out for me. Lesson here; no matter how hard you try, in the end its not your decision whether your life turns out good or bad.

Then there are my "best friends". As if. They abandoned me when I first started missing school because I was depressed. Its not like they were asking what was wrong or asking if they could help, or even offering advice or anything, no, they just left me in the dirt and forgot about me. I haven't seen them in weeks, and quite frankly, I could care less. I'm done with them now, and I think I'm done with people altogether. I'm going to stop trying to be Miss Postive, Miss oh-well-its-not-that-bad, Miss let-me-help-you-with-that. Its not like they have ever done anything for me, so why should I continue to kiss their asses while they make snide remarks behind my back. I don't think there is anyone in this world who I truly do trust. Lessons here; trust nobody, and every one in this world is a liar, whether they want to be or not.

And I know this isn't the most pleasent thing to read, and you know what? I could care less. I wrote this for myself, to vent. I guess you could call this a "cry for help," but have I asked for help? No. Trust me, I"ve heard it all; "Oh, its okay sweetheart, just keep your chin up and everything will turn out alright," or "Ask your mom or friend or teacher for help, they can help you." Or they will even tell me that they could talk to someone, and then point me to the nearest teen help phoneline. Honestly, I'm done with it all. Talking about it isn't going to make everything alright, and sitting on my ass isn't going to make it alright either (I still do anyways) Lesson here; no matter what anyone tells me, I'm still just a whiny little brat with no life, who goes on the internet venting her anger to complete strangers. Not nothing new, not anything that anyone really does care about. Like I said before, I wrote this for myself, so you could either read it and maybe learn something about life, or send it to everyone you know so you and your friends could laugh at sadness. Either way, I'm done with life. I wish I could just end it all.

[tictac]

wow harsh but i know the feeling to I grew and am growing up in abuse by my step dad and ive have atleast held 40 knives to my neck and made one noose (Which is rotting in some junkyard now) but dont lose hope find a hobby like mine that is helping a lot is Parkour come talk if U need some1 2 talk 2 or if feeling suicidal hope I helped

[Leroy]

Well i am not happy to hear you because its not fair and you have no right to say that i want to die. Because God has given you life not to die in fact you have been given life to live and its your world live according to your own style and try to find some activity like sports and watching movies, playing different games, outing and social relationship. Because live life well and don't blame life and also yourself. Because its not good to blame yourself and pray to die. Because when the death will come, it will not ask you and will reach at you without your permission. So be happy always...

[Hyper]

I don't think your a whiny brat! I quite enjoyed reading your angry vent, it reminded me of some time years ago in my life.

To compliment you despite of everything your writing shows you are mature, probably more mature than most people your age.

Since you didn't go into details I can't be sure what RUINS your HAPPY.. But hating yourself is a quick fix of getting rid of happiness.

It sounds like you've been unhappy/depressed call-it-whatever for awhile now and ''chin up sweetheart'' only pisses you off (rightly so! Though for some people chin up is the right answer) so I hate to post this since you've probably been told of this before but you should seek help from a counselor, real professional I don't think I've ever met anyone who enjoys the thought of pills but I'll tell you from experience; no they don't make your world full of sunshine (unless you get some strong happy pills or eat lithium ice cream but even then you would only think the sun to be there) but they do help manage things..

Sometimes well often crappy things happen and crap in our daily lives has a habbit of attracting more and more crap either by inviting over crappy people with its smell or making us act not in the best of ways..

I can't honestly say I've ever lived the ''good & happy'' life but I try to take the good with the bad as much as I can, granted I'm no saint and sometimes I lose my temper, get depressed, drink whiskey but that's life - for most of us at least... everything is periodic.. Things can be changed for the better if we try hard enough even though sometimes we need to make painful sacrifices and learn from painful experiences but things can and will get better as long as You don't give up and try your hardest.

Even then sometimes we alone as a person can't stand firmly and at those times we need help from something else for everyone it's different; for most family & friends, for others religion, for some sad bastards a professional who HAS to listen to you.

Anyway take my rambling how you wish after all our decisions are up to us and how long we have to suffer crap and if we can ever smell the roses under the sunshine.. Well it's mostly up to us ourselves.

[dgeo1]

I know life is very hard and sometimes you feel like you just want to give up on life. If you just hang in there, things will get much better. You can talk to someone who you really trust. You can even talk to a school guidance counselor. I know life sometimes has its ups and downs but at the end of the day, Life is Beautiful. Please talk to someone and I know you will feel a lot better. :)

[aaron4455]

this realy reminds me of me (except the actioly feeling happy part) idk what to say im kinda rusty at attempting to give advice...if thats what u want but what i do is just forget about it and ignor anyone that trys to help me cause i know theyre just ganna give up on me aint very good advice but still

[slappy]

Killing yourself is not gonna do anything. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem

[kai99]

Please, don't do it

[greekyogurt]

Your life doesn't sound that bad. My best advice is to get over it, try seeing it in a new light and you'll be fine.

[Random3r]

i think you need to forget it! forget the idea about wanting to die,, you only have one life and there are people much worse off! do you have a house, flat, accomidation to live in?? do you have food to eat?? do you have clothes to wear?? do you have an illness that is terminal?? if you answer yes yes yes no then your life aint that bad trust me,, and even the people that dont come accross as caring would really miss you if you were to end your life. ive never met you but if i could id go to some length to stop you and anyone in that situation! any questions send me a visitor messege or email me! :D

[MadManWithaBox]

Well clearly your life sucks now. And thats never good. But things always get better. Friends can come and go. Trust has to be forged, and eventually, you'll find people you feel comfortable trusting. Suicide is from experience, never the answer. You want to end it now? You'll look back at this in 2, or 3 years time, and think to yourself, god I was stupid.