Welcome to the World! - New Novel/Story

[Totality]

Hey, I just had a idea leap into my head about a new novel/story.

Anyways, I want you feedback on the first paragraph.


Welcome to the World, Where Dreams become Nightmares

Darkness had befallen. The wind was rushing, and the air was fraught with anger. A man ran down the corridor towards the wrought-iron gate that closed off the ancient ruins. The man, grey-haired and slightly balding at the back, he towered at 6 foot 4 inches with a muscular build, he looked younger for his age, and he knew it. He always got the girls, but right now he wouldn’t, not if he didn’t get out of here. The iron gate was shut, he didn’t know how he would get out, he couldn’t go back the way he came, not with all those bodies there. He couldn’t bear it, he’d just discovered the most amazing discovery in the history of the human race, and he couldn’t share it, it had killed his entire team and it would of killed him, yet he ran. He did nothing but ran, he hoped he lost it, but that may have been a long shot.

Paragraph is in Itallics.

Thats it for the moment. The first paragraph. Im not gonna give anything away at the moment, I want you to try and draw your own conclusions from that first paragraph.

[Jess]

wow I'll be looking forward for it to continue.

several mistakes

The man, grey-haired and slightly balding at the back, he towered at 6 foot 4 inches with a muscular build, he looked younger for his age, and he knew it.

corrected:

The man, grey-haired and slightly balding at the back, towered at 6 foot 4 inches with a muscular build; he looked young for his age, and he knew it.

[music is my soul]

wow ma that is really good. if that was a book i would easily sit down and read the first hundred pages if not more and thats a real compliment because i dont read much and i hardly ever find a book that i like.

i got a friend who will give you some good addvice for this. hes accually writing abook right now and hed be happy to help you. hes accually on here. his username is swimming is my soul. yeah he took the basis of my username. hes not on much but if yu send him a message ill tell him you did and hell help you.

cant what to read the rest. good luck with the rest of it.

[deadpie]

Personally I think it would of been best to post a full chapter instead of a paragraph, because if this is going to be turned into a 'novel' as you say, then I simply can't judge a story based on one paragraph not knowing anything about plot, character, etc...

[Totality]

I would of posted a whole chapter,

however that's all i had written at the time, due to it being late and my laptop going flat.


EDIT: Heres some more. This is all I've written right now.

Welcome to the World, Where Dreams become Nightmares

Darkness had befallen. The wind was rushing, and the air was fraught with anger. A man ran down the corridor towards the wrought-iron gate that closed off the ancient ruins. The man, grey-haired and slightly balding at the back, towered at 6 foot 4 inches with a muscular build; he looked younger for his age, and he knew it. He always got the girls, but right now he wouldn’t, not if he didn’t get out of here. The iron gate was shut, he didn’t know how he would get out, he couldn’t go back the way he came, not with all those bodies there. He couldn’t bear it, he’d just discovered the most amazing discovery in the history of the human race, and he couldn’t share it, it had killed his entire team and it would of killed him, yet he ran. He did nothing but ran, he hoped he lost it, but that may have been a long shot.
He looked around the ruins, thinking to see if there was another way out from it all, he needed to get out. He needed to run, run away from it all and never come back. But he couldn’t, he was locked in, the iron gate wouldn’t move and there wasn’t any other way back. He daren’t go back the way he came, not with the bodies and not with it. He decided to take a chance, he ran back through the way he came, he felt at his side, a loaded Magnum .44 was in its holster, it only had 7 bullets and he had no spare magazines. He ran through the way he came, running across the shattered paths and stones, running through the abandoned walls which were adorned with hieroglyphics and Babel Writings, it was the earliest discovered writings in the world, but they aren’t what made this place amazing. He continued running, he came to the cross section that allowed him to go either left or right. His team and himself went right, so he chose to go left, he figured it had to lead to a way out, after all the ruins should have a back entrance in case of disasters.
He ran to the left, he kept running, then he heard a noise, a sudden piercing scream. It was running after him, and he knew it. He had to get out, he ran, through the darkness, the only light was coming from the screen on his mobile phone, which got no signal, something to do with the ruins he guessed, it was feasible at least. Through the ruins he continued to run, past plenty of Babel writings and other writings which he wish he could stop and decipher; he would, however would probably die for doing it, he continued to run passing through several archways, until Smack!
He felt his nose break as he slid down the wall he had just ran into. He was disorientated, he felt the stream of warm blood pouring out of his nose, nothing he could do about right now. He tried to stand up, but the disorientation knocked him back slightly, he stood there, leaning on the wall he just ran into, waiting to see if his head cleared. His hand felt the writings on the wall, the indentations that they made, they were unknown to him, possible unknown to everyone.

/end

Thanks for the Feedback ^^