I should say thank you?

[MadManWithaBox]

I don't forgive him. I still feel what he did, every day. And it still hurts. But I owe him gratitude. Even though he spent 11 years kicking the shit out of me, telling me I didn't deserve to be alive and how he tried to persuade my mum to have me aborted.

Because, even after he was gone, shit was shit. If anything it got worse. And I kept going. Not because I wanted to. Because I won't let him beat me. My hatred of him got me through it, I don't think I would of otherwise.

So thanks? I think?

[HellHound]

Beating is not a life lesson,it's pure cruel shit.No one should go through it still most of us do.You should choose another point of inspiration in life,if proving you are better than your father was your goal you achived it long time ago :)

[MadManWithaBox]

I think I should. Not forgive, but thank. I think.

[HellHound]

I don't really understand,why thank a person that hurt you and broke your trust?

[MadManWithaBox]

Because after what he did, it got worse. But I had the strength of hating him to get me through it.

[music is my soul]

so basicly what your saying is because he beat and it got worse it made you stronger?

[RAWWR]

I understand what you mean, but you should be thanking yourself for hating him instead of beleiving him. So many people who are abused grow up to beleive that they deserved what they got, and blame themselves instead of their abusers. You should be thanking your strength and courage, because thats what got you through, your hatred for him started from that.

[MadManWithaBox]

But I wouldn't have that courage without his abuse. He tried to murder me, he stabbed me, and I was gonna give up then, I was only 11, but I said no I won't let him win, and even when things got worse I knew I was better than that, thanks to him.

[HellHound]

So it's a thank you?If you were sure he helped you then this thread would not exist,so i'm sure what you say is wrong abuse=/=parenting,remember that.
About courage,you are born with it,escaping alive from the hands of a mad man doesn't mean you gain courage,you were born with that trait.

[Spook]

He abused you, so you should never thank him. It is utterly inhuman, and you didn't deserve it.

It may be true that it helped you become a stronger person, but you still shouldn't have had to go through it.

Don't thank him.

[MadManWithaBox]

Unless I deserved it. At which point I should thank him. I shouldn't even hate him.

[HellHound]

Now your saying it's you deserved it?Who deserves to be killed by their father,you don't make sense.The guilt you feel is pointless.

[MadManWithaBox]

I don't know what it is. I just can't stop going through the memories.

[Charleigh]

Understood. *nod*

Better to forgive I guess. Why hold onto it? You might never forget but at least you have forgiven/ Dont say thank you for him making your life a misery.

[moon_lit_angel]

You never deserved such a thing.! I've been abused its an awful thing. my nan's partner :@

if you need to talk just pm me :) x

[MadManWithaBox]

I can't forgive. I won't forgive. Thats all I know right now.

[Charleigh]

I can't forgive. I won't forgive. Thats all I know right now.

But sometimes, you dont have to forgive, or forget. You just need to be able to move on from it. Dont thank them, because this has abviously bothered you. Sometimes holding grudges and holding whatever happened in your head, makes you angry and want revenge. So I wouldnt try forgiving, or forgetting. But try and talk about it with someone you trust or a councellour.

[moon_lit_angel]

you shouldnt forgive him!

[Charleigh]

you shouldnt forgive him!

Nobodys asking him to forgive.

But sometimes when you hold grudges it builds up loads of anger and shit.

[MadManWithaBox]

If it was a grudge, I'd let it go. But he beat me for years. He tried to murder me. He made me clean my own blood off the floor after he stabbed me. That got me sent to the boarding school where I was raped. I will never stop being angry.

[Charleigh]

If it was a grudge, I'd let it go. But he beat me for years. He tried to murder me. He made me clean my own blood off the floor after he stabbed me. That got me sent to the boarding school where I was raped. I will never stop being angry.

I hear what your saying hun.

I can completley understand your rage towards him. And you probably blame him as the reason to why you got put in a boarding school. But, you might not see it now but maybe later on in life you will realise that, all of this shit that has happened to you, will only make you stronger and less vunerable to shit that would upset or bug most. It will give you a more advanced mental attitude and an understanding that most people dont have.

But, you need to move on from him. I know it must be really hard for you, and I can understand the beating bit, but I will admit, I havent been stabbed only threatened by my mum. But, you need to find a way to overcome this anger and deal with it all. Maybe counselling isnt such a bad idea?

[MadManWithaBox]

No, They're idiots. They act like they understand, but they don't. This didn't happen to them, the patronizing fucking shits. I can't forgive him. I won't. I forgave the teacher that raped me, cos that was useless anger. But I won't forgive him, not ever.

[Charleigh]

No, They're idiots. They act like they understand, but they don't. This didn't happen to them, the patronizing fucking shits. I can't forgive him. I won't. I forgave the teacher that raped me, cos that was useless anger. But I won't forgive him, not ever.

True. By they're idots your talking about the counsellours right?

I can completley understand where your coming from, you dont have to forgive him, and I wouldnt forgive him if I were you either. But, you just need to forget about him now. Fuck him. Just literally blow him out of your mind and think how much pain he caused you mentally and physically, you dont and didnt deserve any of the shit he done to you. But, when your still holding onto what happened between you both, your still not dealing with it, but its only making him have a grip on you more. You need to just forget about him, show him that you dont need him. Show him that the pain he once caused you, isnt pain anymore.

[MadManWithaBox]

I can't get past this. I think about it, so many times, every day, and every time I do it hurts more.

[Charleigh]

I can't get past this. I think about it, so many times, every day, and every time I do it hurts more.

And it will hurt. It wont just go away.

If your so angry, maybe you could channel your anger into something thats physically releasing, such as boxing, or just punching something over and over and over again until your exausted.

Would you be able to tell him how angry you are?

[MadManWithaBox]

Well he's dead. So no. Which only makes it worse, since I never got to spit in his face.

[passport]

i would too

[passport]

sorry:yeah:

[MadManWithaBox]

I don't know. But I know now, its still righteous anger. So thanks.

[Charleigh]

I don't know. But I know now, its still righteous anger. So thanks.

If hes dead, then yes thats alot harder to ... spit in his face.

Maybe because he has passed away, thats your whole revenge. He cannot hurt you anymore, he cant cause you pain, only what he done to you and the memory is whats causing you the pain. He has passed now, so he has no way of hurting you, but I am sure that the image of him and the memory of what he done still hurts you. Maybe there is some way that you can pass yourself and move on from this memory and stop holding it in a firm grip, sometimes its best if you let shit go but not forget about it. But to let go of it enough so that it isnt on your mind as it is now. You cant stay angry forever because, like you have probly been told, it will affect your future relationships and alot of other things if you keep that anger inside. Maybe its time to let that anger out?

[MadManWithaBox]

Someone killed him. And I feel bad, cos I thought I wish I'd done it. Then I feel like a fucked up idiot, for wanting to kill someone.

[Charleigh]

Someone killed him. And I feel bad, cos I thought I wish I'd done it. Then I feel like a fucked up idiot, for wanting to kill someone.

I would like to kill my mum and she isnt even dead yet unforchanatley. Which is fucked.
You probly want to kill him through revenge. You have a valid and understandadble reason for how you are feeling at the moment. Why did you wish you had killied him?

[MadManWithaBox]

Cos he tried to kill me. I thought It'd be even stevens. But that was only after I found out he was dead.