Confused ><

[FullyAlive]

I overdosed last night, I took 16 200mg Ibuprofen tablets, which let's face it was never going to kill me. But at the time I wanted it too. I didn't intend to tell anyone, but I got scared so told a friend after I'd taken the first 6. She stayed talking to me. Yet I still took another 10 ><. I ate afterwards on advice from the friend, I drank water too. I tried to throw up but I couldn't which is weird considering I do it all the time. But apparently you have to take a lot more to have any serious effects so I should be fine :/

I overdosed once before (Nov last year) I took a variety of tablets, but I threw up straight away. But that time I was drunk and I'd just lost my uncle. I did it the night after his funeral. But this time was different, I wasn't drunk, I was thinking clearly. At the time I hadn't even planned it, I bought them for an entirely different reason, but once I had them it was just like automatic I suppose.

I was scared, I didn't even think I was going to do it. But I did.
I don't know what to do anymore this week my mum found out about my cutting, I'm finally getting help, I think. So why did I do it? What do I do now?

I'm just so confused, I feel wierd. Not like physically but mentally I suppose. I didn't mean to do it. Well I don't think I did. Idk.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I am. To rant I suppose.

[Fiction]

Before my OD, I never thought I was going to do it. I didn't know I was going to do it until after I did it. I know exactly how you feel. The feelings that you're getting right now will go. It may take time, it does take time, but it does go away.

I'd overdosed twice before my last time too. One of those times I was drunk, but one of those times I wasn't.

You've heard my advice, try not to keep pills in your room. Use the fact that you're getting help as hope and keep going :) I need you for our easter plans! :P xx

[FullyAlive]

Idk I feel like I'm in an even worse place than I was before. Its like I feel really guilty, guilty for doing it, guilty for telling you, and worst of all guilty for not getting it right. I can't stop thinking about it, which is stupid it was just a few tablets, not even a serious attempt. But it's just on my mind constantly. And now I'm back in this whole suicidal mode, I'd been feeling better recently, depressed and self hating but I hadn't wanted to kill myself. But now I do.

I know I listened I dont have any pills in my room, but today I was in town and I don't know whether it was conscious or subconsciously I found myself drawn to the aisle where the tablets were, I was just stood there (in my heels lol :P) and I was comparing the packets deciding which I'd choose.

I know I was meant to be getting help, but even though Mrs Long phoned my mum, mum still hasn't mentioned it. I want to go to the doctor, but I don't have the courage to tell her.

Easter is soon :O I highly doubt I'll have managed anything by then so I will be around for our Easter plans :)

[Fiction]

After my overdose, things got a lot worse for me too. I felt worse than I ever had before and my cutting got a lot more frequent, but 8 weeks on i'm finally getting back to normal, you will to if you just give it time. I guess the thing that I held on to after my overdose is that things could get better because I was getting help.

I know your mum hasn't mentioned you getting help but maybe you could go and see this teacher again and ask her to maybe mention it to your mum? Also you're 16 soon. I thought you where going to the doctors once you where 16 anyway? And then you'll get help.

I still do things like that too. I have a facination with all sorts of things now >< Just because I could use them to kill myself. I guess it's just something we have to try and ignore and block out as much as possible.

If you do anything Louise you will hurt so many people, whether you realise it or not. I'd miss you a hell of a lot I know that. Even if you can't live for yourself right now, try living for other people and hopefully in the mean time things will get better for you. :)

[FullyAlive]

I know I'll just give it time. It's just wierd. I'm sitting here and everything is the same and everyone is acting normal and it's like two nights ago I was taking tablets wanting to die. ><

I might mention it, idk, if not I'll go when I'm 16 although that's a month away and everything could get so much worse in that time. I'll have to wait and see.

You're right about the blocking it out, I do that with cutting too. I see knives, I see blades I imagine taking them to my arm. I block that out most of the time. I guess now I'll have to learn to do thar with pills aswell.

I'm not going to try and argue that I won't be missed, not because I'm that big headed I think I will, just because I've tried this argument before and it hasn't worked. And thanks for saying you'd miss me, obviously i have no way of knowing if that's how you'd really feel but it's a nice thing to say none the less. I'll try to take your advice live for other people, maybe one day I'll be living for myself again although it's easy to say that now, when I don't have the resources to kill myself right now anyway :/. But I'll do my best.

[Fiction]

I know exactly how you feel about the acting normal thing. Although, I didn't really want my parents acting different. it took me days to persuade them to act the same, and well they still don't really. They still hide the pills etc, and it's not nice. But at school when everyone didn't really notice you off school for a week, or really bother to ask if you where alright, you kind of get that feeling. But life goes on doesn't it? They didn't know that's what you where doing and if they did i'm sure it'd be very different.

And i'm sure one day you will be living for yourself again, it just takes time. xxx

[RAWWR]

It's a bit late to go to the hospital now, but please try not to do it again? I know it's not that simple but...
If you ever do it again, go to the hospital. 12 Is a fatal level, you're lucky.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks for replying :)
You're kind of right, it's really really not that easy and if I'm honest I know I'm going to do it again ><
I'm ok it was ibuprofen, and me and Kathy looked it up, ibuprofen won't kill me or anything I'm fine.

[RAWWR]

Ibuprofen causes heart attacks in high doses. I don't know how much that would need, but just be careful. Obviously I know how hard it is, so If you really have to do it, taking as little as possible would help.
I don't advise it though. It makes things worse. Beleive me, i've been there.

[FullyAlive]

I believe you, but if you've been there then that means you know that sometimes it's the only option.
I didn't know it causes heart attacks, although tbf if I was to do it again I hope I'd take enough that I don't have to worry about the effects. (that's not like a threat or anything though :P)

[RAWWR]

I do understand that, honestly I do, except it feels like it's the only option. It's really not, and I totally understand how in that moment it feels like it, and you beleive that with every ounce of your being. But beleive me when I say that it won't always be like this. I wish you'd seen me last year, you wouldn't beleive it's the same person. You just have to stick it out and work hard. <3

[Fiction]

I thought i'd do it again. I was almost certain i'd do it again when I first came out of hospital, and honestly I still think there is a high chance I will, but it's getting less and less all the time. :)

[FullyAlive]

I guess Kathy and I'm glad it's working out for you, this makes me a little more positive.
But I'm not almost certain, I'm definate, if not this week then next or sometime soon. I have the tablets I just need to be in the right mood to take them ><

[Fiction]

Then get rid of them. It took effort. It didn't happen easily. I took all my tablets out my room and well... my mum made sure they where all safely hidden away :/

[FullyAlive]

I know I should get rid of any and all pills and stop fucking buying them but I can't. Just knowing I have that option calms me. I've even started taking a packet to school just in case. If it all gets too much I can do it there and then. :/

Its informative one provides a lots of information on topic also give more data on that.

What?

[Fiction]

I know I should get rid of any and all pills and stop fucking buying them but I can't. Just knowing I have that option calms me. I've even started taking a packet to school just in case. If it all gets too much I can do it there and then. :/

I know how you feel, I still take money to school with me so that if I run away from school again I have enough money to get something to do it with. The fact that I only had 20p was all that stopped me last time.

[FullyAlive]

And I'm glad that that's all you had! :)

But I don't know, how do I do this? I cant do it Kathy. I try I really do, but it's like sometimes it's the only answer. I'm scared that I'll just end up doing it to make myself stop thinking.

[Fiction]

I know you do Louise, but you need to keep trying. I guess you just need to get yourself in the right mindset. Make it your aim not to do it. Not just trying not to do it but make it your aim, if that made any sense. Think of all the things going through all this can bring about. It'll make you a better person in the long run, more empathetic, more able to help other people, but you don't get those benefits if you go now.

[FullyAlive]

I see where you're coming from I really do. I'll try making it my aim instead of just trying to stop myself.
Those benefits as such sound good and you do have a point I won't have them should I die and realistically there are only two options I can choose.
Option 1) Over dose and die.
Option 2) Live through all this shit and be a "better person"
And as appealing as option 2 sounds, right now in this mood I prefer option 1, not because it's the easy way out because it's not it's the harder option but I prefer it because it's the one I want more. ><
I don't mean too but thinking about it right now that's really what I want. I just can't do it too the few people who might actually care.

[Saosin]

If you don't trust yourself with medications give them to someone who can lock them and regulate how often you take them and the quantity you take.

I know you have other ways to access them, but it wouldn't be as convenient and would allow for positive reinforcement from others or some sort of intervention in your plan.
Even though that doesn't seem all that great to set up or do. The world is a better place with you here, even if you may have doubts at times.

Hope this helped even just a little bit!
Keep focused, keep positive.
You can work through your depression :)