This circle never ends.

[1_21Guns]

I feel so fat. I've put nearly half a stone on since I've been 'recovering' and I've never felt worse. I keep wanting to go back to fasting but somehow keep stopping myself. I feel like complete shit. It's like my stomach physically hurts, just because I'm that bloated, and the sight of food is making me want to be sick. I wish I could purge... I really really do.

I want to cut myslef to bits. I want to break. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm such a failure.

[SirRawrsalot]

Of course you aren't a failure because you are suffering from an eating disorder and you cut. This isn't like doing drugs, this isn't something you just started doing because you were bored, so you really should not feel ashamed although it's all too common for people with an eating disorder to feel at fault.

How long have you been recovering and what exactly is that including (Therapy, medication like olanzapine, etc)? It's good that you are going through with it and you shouldn't give up now that it's difficult. This is probably the most crucial part of the treatment since I'm assuming it has been a little while.

[1_21Guns]

I'm not actually being officially medically treated for it, as nobody really knows, however I've been suffering from it for around two years, and this is the longest I've gone eating without falling back into fasting again (probably around 3 weeks/a month now), so I guess you can call it a recovery. It's just getting so damn difficult to keep fighting, then I hate myself more for even still getting on the scales in the first place. I nearly had a panic attack when I read what it said, I didn't like it one bit, and I guess I didn't like that either. I just, I don't know..

[SirRawrsalot]

Wow! It isn't very often that I hear of someone suffering for 2 years going a month of self-enacted treatment which sounds like it's successful except for how you're feeling. What I suggest is to make sure you talk about how you feel often (even if it's on VT, whatever works for you) and vent it out. Don't try to ignore the feeling of self-hatred but don't let it take you over. Know that you aren't a bad person and you shouldn't feel bad for eating, you have to do it to survive :P And you don't have to get on the scale, it doesn't seem to help.

[1_21Guns]

Thanks, and yeah, it's more self force than anything really, my mum noticed last time I reached my lowest point, but never went further with it so I'm kinda trying to manipulate myself into using that excuse to keep eating, but as summer gets nearer it's getting harder to believe in any of it. Thank you for your help :)

[SirRawrsalot]

Absolutely anytime. I am not sharing the experience of having an eating disorder so correct me if any assumptions I make are just plain wrong. Most are just observations since I do try to read a lot of these threads and I know a few people sadly with anorexia nervosa.


You just have to keep confidence in yourself, which is easier said than done, but possible.

[dbrkk]

Hang in there! I congratulate you for what you've achieved thus far. And you did it all on your own! The bloating you feel is totally normal. This is because by starving, you've essentially killed off all the bacteria in your gut that helps with digestion..so the food isn't digested properly. I'm sure at this point you've got lots of water retention too, which may also explain why the scale went up so fast. I can assure you that unless you're eating mosterous, and I really do mean MONSTEROUS amounts of calories, all that weight could not physically be fat.

I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but that bloating and water retention will take a month or two to go away. But that's ONLY if you're eating a healthy amount of calories in order for your body to recover. 2 years is a long time to be starving, so naturally your body will take some time to trust you again.

Sorry if I sound too sciency..lol Hope this helps!

[Nilnoc]

Congratulations on having the willpower and strength to continue with helping yourself.

Just keep at it. You'll do fine.
And always remember, VT is here for you when the going gets tough.

[1_21Guns]

thank you so much both of you :)

Derek that wasn't too sciency at all :P
The problem is I guess I'm not really eating properly as such because I keep having unhealthy things like chocolate a lot, so I guess I need to stop that a bit xD

[dbrkk]

Haha I'm glad =P
When you're recovering from a period of starvation, you can't be expected to eat what can be considered "normally". When starving, you do tons of damage to your body. Muscles are wasted away, bones are broken down, growth is halted, and many non-essential functions of the body that aren't assential to the body are turned off or suppressed.
When you start eating a more normal amount again, your body's first priorities are to insulate your vital organs (most are located in the abdomen, so that's why you tend to see more fat gain there), and then to begin repairing all the damaged body systems. Believe it or not, this takes a tremendous amount of energy in the form of calories. Once this repairing begins, you will find yourself extremely hungry and eating things like chocolate. Don't think of this as a lack of willpower, but a desperate cry from your body to provide it with adequate nutrition!
Believe me, I'm well aware of the enormous anxiety that comes with trying to eat a normal amount again..and of course the insatiable appetite. But this is completely normal. Everyone in recovery from an ED has to go through this stage. It's one of the longest and hardest in recovery, but if you can make it past this, you have a very good chance of leaving this horrible ED behind :)

[1_21Guns]

Thank you, I hope it goes away soon. I kinda momentarily slipped up yesterday, but didn't. There was a chance to lie to my mother and say I'd eaten tea when I hadn't, and I did, but I still ate a little when I went home, then loads for supper, so yeah. :)

[dbrkk]

Yay! I'm so glad to hear that! :) These little little moments add up over time and ultimately make you stronger. Keep at it!!

[dgeo1]

You are not a failure. You can go to a rehabiliation facility for help. You will feel much much much better. I know how everyone wants to be skinnier but we are all beautiful even if we weigh 2000 pounds.

[kai99]

Keep yourself strong !

[Kofi]

I feel so fat. I've put nearly half a stone on since I've been 'recovering' and I've never felt worse. I keep wanting to go back to fasting but somehow keep stopping myself.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Please do not post in threads older than 2 months. :locked: