canyon
March 30th, 2011, 06:44 PM
I haven't been completely honest on here when I was posting about the issues I have. I've been avoiding a bunch of things because I just don't want to face them. But right now I don't know where else to go, I just feel so alone and sad and angry, so I'm gonna share them. It's gonna be pretty long, but please, anything you have to say will help me.
So I went to Florida last week with school and I was rooming with 2 other guys. We were friends before we left and stuff, so I already knew them pretty well. I never really thought about them other than just as friends, but while we were there I really started to like to hang out with them. And at night and stuff we'd talk about things that most guys would talk about. The thing is I think I'm gay... I don't know if I am though. Like I like girls and think they're pretty and stuff, but I never fantasize about having sex with them or anything. On the other hand I like guys and I want to do stuff with them. I can never see myself in a relationship with a boy or anything, but I like the idea of having sex with them more than with a girl.
So one night we were talking about girls and stuff and one of the guys said something about how he really likes this girl but how she has a boyfriend, and he's really sad about it and doesn't know what to do. And I don't know, it just made me hurt so much that I can't be like the other guys and like other girls and everything else that most guys like. So I came home and that night I was just so sad. I was mad at myself because I don't like girls like everyone else does and how I can never have who I want to have without causing so many problems, and I just broke down. I started screaming and crying and punching myself, anything to make the pain I was feeling feel less than the pain that I could give myself. I just feel O alone. I want to like girls so badly and be like the other guys and not have to worry about what I'm saying or anything, I just want it to all come naturally, you know?
Usually when I feel like this, I go to bed and wake up and feel fine, just a little bit stupid for getting so worked up. But this time, it didn't stop. It's been 4 days and I still feel so broken. I just don't care about anything anymore, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to break down and not do anything anymore. I haven't cared about school or work or any of my friends, I just want to be alone.
I applied to schools in Australia for engineering, I don't even care about that anymore. Like I just don't care. And nothing is helping me. I want to talk to someone so badly, but I don't know what to do to get help. I can't tell my mom or any of my friends about this because I've been pretending that everything's been fine for so long, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone what I've really been feeling. And it just KILLS me.
I want to be like the other guys so badly. I mean, I've been hurting so much because of this that I was ready to resort to physical pain, something I said I'd never do, just to make myself feel better. I just hate myself so much right now and I'm just so confused with everything.
I guess what I'm afraid of is what people will think of me if I tell them. I've been denying anything was wrong, denying, denying for so long. I don't want to find out what their reactions are if I finally tell them the truth. I have one really close friend, she's amazing. I've told her pretty much everything except for what I'm typing here, she just thinks I have problems at home. But I want to tell her so badly, but I never get to see her after school and I know if I tell her this in school I'll have another breakdown and I wouldn't be able to handle it all.
I got asked to Senior prom by a girl and we're friends, and I also asked a girl to my Junior prom, but the thing is I don't want to be with them, you know? Like I don't want to go out with either of them. I do like girls, but I never fantasize about doing anything with them, and the only girls I like I know I can never have. I think I choose to like girls that I know I can never have because it just makes me feel better. I have liked girls before and once I found out that they liked me too, I started to push away. I don't know why though. And the same thing is with guys. I don't have many guy friends, but the ones that I do have I end up falling for them and I push myself away because I don't want to get myself hurt because I know that nothing could ever happen. I think that's what kills me the most. Knowing that I can't win either way. Either I have a girl that likes me and I push her away, or I like a guy and I have to force myself to push away because I don't want to get hurt further down the road.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I'm sitting here right now and trying so hard not to start crying again because my family is in the other room. But I can't keep this up for much longer..
I thought about telling my mom that I want to see a therapist or someone and just give her a BS reason why. Something about my dad and how he's really making me want to leave home and stuff like that. But that won't be the real reason why. I just can't bring myself to tell my mom what I've really been feeling, you know? I just can't.
Anyways, if you read through all of this, thank you. It's helped me a little bit actually letting that all out. I just really need someone to talk to right now :(
So I went to Florida last week with school and I was rooming with 2 other guys. We were friends before we left and stuff, so I already knew them pretty well. I never really thought about them other than just as friends, but while we were there I really started to like to hang out with them. And at night and stuff we'd talk about things that most guys would talk about. The thing is I think I'm gay... I don't know if I am though. Like I like girls and think they're pretty and stuff, but I never fantasize about having sex with them or anything. On the other hand I like guys and I want to do stuff with them. I can never see myself in a relationship with a boy or anything, but I like the idea of having sex with them more than with a girl.
So one night we were talking about girls and stuff and one of the guys said something about how he really likes this girl but how she has a boyfriend, and he's really sad about it and doesn't know what to do. And I don't know, it just made me hurt so much that I can't be like the other guys and like other girls and everything else that most guys like. So I came home and that night I was just so sad. I was mad at myself because I don't like girls like everyone else does and how I can never have who I want to have without causing so many problems, and I just broke down. I started screaming and crying and punching myself, anything to make the pain I was feeling feel less than the pain that I could give myself. I just feel O alone. I want to like girls so badly and be like the other guys and not have to worry about what I'm saying or anything, I just want it to all come naturally, you know?
Usually when I feel like this, I go to bed and wake up and feel fine, just a little bit stupid for getting so worked up. But this time, it didn't stop. It's been 4 days and I still feel so broken. I just don't care about anything anymore, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to break down and not do anything anymore. I haven't cared about school or work or any of my friends, I just want to be alone.
I applied to schools in Australia for engineering, I don't even care about that anymore. Like I just don't care. And nothing is helping me. I want to talk to someone so badly, but I don't know what to do to get help. I can't tell my mom or any of my friends about this because I've been pretending that everything's been fine for so long, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone what I've really been feeling. And it just KILLS me.
I want to be like the other guys so badly. I mean, I've been hurting so much because of this that I was ready to resort to physical pain, something I said I'd never do, just to make myself feel better. I just hate myself so much right now and I'm just so confused with everything.
I guess what I'm afraid of is what people will think of me if I tell them. I've been denying anything was wrong, denying, denying for so long. I don't want to find out what their reactions are if I finally tell them the truth. I have one really close friend, she's amazing. I've told her pretty much everything except for what I'm typing here, she just thinks I have problems at home. But I want to tell her so badly, but I never get to see her after school and I know if I tell her this in school I'll have another breakdown and I wouldn't be able to handle it all.
I got asked to Senior prom by a girl and we're friends, and I also asked a girl to my Junior prom, but the thing is I don't want to be with them, you know? Like I don't want to go out with either of them. I do like girls, but I never fantasize about doing anything with them, and the only girls I like I know I can never have. I think I choose to like girls that I know I can never have because it just makes me feel better. I have liked girls before and once I found out that they liked me too, I started to push away. I don't know why though. And the same thing is with guys. I don't have many guy friends, but the ones that I do have I end up falling for them and I push myself away because I don't want to get myself hurt because I know that nothing could ever happen. I think that's what kills me the most. Knowing that I can't win either way. Either I have a girl that likes me and I push her away, or I like a guy and I have to force myself to push away because I don't want to get hurt further down the road.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I'm sitting here right now and trying so hard not to start crying again because my family is in the other room. But I can't keep this up for much longer..
I thought about telling my mom that I want to see a therapist or someone and just give her a BS reason why. Something about my dad and how he's really making me want to leave home and stuff like that. But that won't be the real reason why. I just can't bring myself to tell my mom what I've really been feeling, you know? I just can't.
Anyways, if you read through all of this, thank you. It's helped me a little bit actually letting that all out. I just really need someone to talk to right now :(