canyon
March 28th, 2011, 09:29 PM
I don't even know what to type right now, I'm just so tired of everything. I've been having a really hard time with my life lately, trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do with my life, and everything else. I've been keeping it bottled in because I don't want to tell anyone, but last night I broke down in bed. I got back from Florida yesterday night and it was a really bad flight, so I was already upset and panicky because of that, and it just added to everything.
So basically, I was roommates with 2 other guys on the trip, and I don't know what I am yet, but I kinda like one of the guys that I was with. And it was really hard because we're all teen guys and at night we all talked about girls and stuff, and hearing him talk about how hurt he was feeling because the girl he liked was with someone else made me so sad. I just felt like I had noone to go to or be with. But anyways, last night I got home and I was really tired and sick and I had so much work that I had to make up, I just kinda lost it. I went up to bed at 8:30 and tried to calm down, but everything just exploded out of me. I started crying and it escalated from there. At first it was just because I was back home and I wanted to be in Florida still in the room hanging out, and then it got to how come I'm having these thoughts, why do I like guys, why does it have to be me? I just hated myself so much last night.
I was lying there and I had the sheets all pulled up I was so mad, I was crying and I just didn't even care anymore. My mom was right downstairs though so I tried to be as quiet as I could be, but I just can't do this much longer. I was so mad and I felt so hated by myself and everyone, I almost cut myself. I feel so bad still, I mean, why did I even THINK about cutting? I know what it can do to people, I promised I would never do anything like that. But when I started thinking about it, I had the scissors in my hand and I was ready to slice my hand, and that really put me over. I threw the scissors and started to punch my leg as hard as I could. I didn't even care about the pain, I just wanted to die I guess. Like honestly, I feel so hated right now. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I hate school right now, I feel like I'm living one giant lie and I don't even know what to do. I had all of these plans for college and what I wanted to do, but it hit me last night that I was doing all of this stuff because I knew it would make me successful, but not happy. So basically I threw out all of my plans.
But about the girls, I just don't even know what to do. I felt so happy in that room hanging out at night with the other guys, and I know that nothing can ever happen with any of them. I had to pretend every night about what I'd do with the girls we were talking about and who I liked and stuff like that because I honestly don't know. Like, I like girls and I find them pretty and hot and stuff and I want to date them, but I never want to have sex with them. I've been thinking about it, and I decided that I don't like vagina (idk if I can talk like this here, but I'm gonna). I like their looks and everything, but I just get turned off when I think about having vaginal sex with anyone. I don't get turned on when I think about having anal with a guy though, it's just confusing me so much, I don't even know what to do. I like this one girl, Sarah, she's really cute and pretty and everything, and we laid on the beach and stuff and I really liked that, but just thinking about vaginal sex and stuff, it makes me not want to think about just dating her. Is it possible that I could be straight and just not like the girl's vagina?
I'm sorry I'm rambling, It's making me feel better just talking about this.
When I thought about cutting, I just lost it. Like, why did I leave this stuff bottled in for so long that I would turn to a blade to make myself feel better? I had to physically stop myself from cutting my hand. I honestly think that if I never saw VT before, I would have cut. I've read what you guys post about cutting, how it starts with just one cut every now and then, and how it escalates to an addiction, and I don't want that. But I felt so alone, knowing that I have nobody to love me and I have nobody to love, how the guy that I like is in love with a girl that doesn't love him, it just made me feel so sad and alone. I just hated myself so much, and I just started to punch myself to make myself hurt. I wanted to hurt myself to make myself feel better, and I still do. It's bad, but I want to hurt myself so much.
I tried to break my arm last night. After I threw the scissors, I started hitting my leg but it didn't hurt enough for me, so I moved to my arm. And I wasn't holding back either. I knew what I wanted to do and I tried so hard to get it. You know how you punch yourself but you go easy because you don't want it to hurt too much? I didn't do that. I hit it like I was punching a wall, I hit myself so hard, my arm is so blue and it's in a lot of pain, but I just don't even care. And knowing myself, I'm most likely going to do it again tonight because I feel so bad.
With school, I've been having a lot of trouble. I'm saying I'm smart because I am, I just stopped applying myself. My mom thinks it's because I'm on the computer too much, but I honestly just don't care anymore. I feel so bad about myself and I don't know where to turn to get help, and it's affecting my grades. Until last night I was going to apply to schools for civil engineering or aeronautical engineering, now I don't even care. I mean, I was applying to schools in Australia, but not I have no idea. It's just fucking with me so much, I feel like I can't accomplish anything, this is so confusing.
Something else about girls, I feel like I'm not good enough for them. I said I like girls and I do, but I don't really like the ones that like me. Like I'm going to junior and senior prom with 2 girls but neither of them I'd want to go out with. It's like I choose the girls I like because I know nothing can ever happen with them. Like my best friend, I like her but I can never be with her because of her religion. Another girl I can't be with her because she has a boyfriend. Another girl is the same story. And the ones that I do like that like me, I just end up pushing them away. Like I try to get their attention and when they finally start to hang out with me a lot, I end up slowly pulling away because I don't want to be with them anymore. And it's fucking with me so much lately.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing my homework. I have 2 projects in chem, an english research paper, a history PBA, and pages in my spanish book, because I wasn't there wednesday-friday because of the trip. And I feel like I'm being swamped and I don't have enough time for everything, which is making me not do any of it. Like it's 10 right now, I know that if I stay up and do everything I won't go to bed at all, and I haven't slept literally since saturday because I was so freaked out because of the plane on sunday, and then the plane got delayed and I didn't get to go to bed until 8:30 sunday night, so by then i was up for about 36 hours, and I had maybe 2 hours of sleep last night because of everything that happened, I just can't handle all of this. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I want to die, and I'm worthless and I can never get what I really want or be loved by the people I love. It just kills me because I can't have them or what I want, and I just dont want to be here anymore.
I still have a lot that I didn't say, but I'm just not ready I guess. I'm sorry it was so long, but I'm just so confused and I really need help or advide or something. Please, can someone help me with this?
So basically, I was roommates with 2 other guys on the trip, and I don't know what I am yet, but I kinda like one of the guys that I was with. And it was really hard because we're all teen guys and at night we all talked about girls and stuff, and hearing him talk about how hurt he was feeling because the girl he liked was with someone else made me so sad. I just felt like I had noone to go to or be with. But anyways, last night I got home and I was really tired and sick and I had so much work that I had to make up, I just kinda lost it. I went up to bed at 8:30 and tried to calm down, but everything just exploded out of me. I started crying and it escalated from there. At first it was just because I was back home and I wanted to be in Florida still in the room hanging out, and then it got to how come I'm having these thoughts, why do I like guys, why does it have to be me? I just hated myself so much last night.
I was lying there and I had the sheets all pulled up I was so mad, I was crying and I just didn't even care anymore. My mom was right downstairs though so I tried to be as quiet as I could be, but I just can't do this much longer. I was so mad and I felt so hated by myself and everyone, I almost cut myself. I feel so bad still, I mean, why did I even THINK about cutting? I know what it can do to people, I promised I would never do anything like that. But when I started thinking about it, I had the scissors in my hand and I was ready to slice my hand, and that really put me over. I threw the scissors and started to punch my leg as hard as I could. I didn't even care about the pain, I just wanted to die I guess. Like honestly, I feel so hated right now. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I hate school right now, I feel like I'm living one giant lie and I don't even know what to do. I had all of these plans for college and what I wanted to do, but it hit me last night that I was doing all of this stuff because I knew it would make me successful, but not happy. So basically I threw out all of my plans.
But about the girls, I just don't even know what to do. I felt so happy in that room hanging out at night with the other guys, and I know that nothing can ever happen with any of them. I had to pretend every night about what I'd do with the girls we were talking about and who I liked and stuff like that because I honestly don't know. Like, I like girls and I find them pretty and hot and stuff and I want to date them, but I never want to have sex with them. I've been thinking about it, and I decided that I don't like vagina (idk if I can talk like this here, but I'm gonna). I like their looks and everything, but I just get turned off when I think about having vaginal sex with anyone. I don't get turned on when I think about having anal with a guy though, it's just confusing me so much, I don't even know what to do. I like this one girl, Sarah, she's really cute and pretty and everything, and we laid on the beach and stuff and I really liked that, but just thinking about vaginal sex and stuff, it makes me not want to think about just dating her. Is it possible that I could be straight and just not like the girl's vagina?
I'm sorry I'm rambling, It's making me feel better just talking about this.
When I thought about cutting, I just lost it. Like, why did I leave this stuff bottled in for so long that I would turn to a blade to make myself feel better? I had to physically stop myself from cutting my hand. I honestly think that if I never saw VT before, I would have cut. I've read what you guys post about cutting, how it starts with just one cut every now and then, and how it escalates to an addiction, and I don't want that. But I felt so alone, knowing that I have nobody to love me and I have nobody to love, how the guy that I like is in love with a girl that doesn't love him, it just made me feel so sad and alone. I just hated myself so much, and I just started to punch myself to make myself hurt. I wanted to hurt myself to make myself feel better, and I still do. It's bad, but I want to hurt myself so much.
I tried to break my arm last night. After I threw the scissors, I started hitting my leg but it didn't hurt enough for me, so I moved to my arm. And I wasn't holding back either. I knew what I wanted to do and I tried so hard to get it. You know how you punch yourself but you go easy because you don't want it to hurt too much? I didn't do that. I hit it like I was punching a wall, I hit myself so hard, my arm is so blue and it's in a lot of pain, but I just don't even care. And knowing myself, I'm most likely going to do it again tonight because I feel so bad.
With school, I've been having a lot of trouble. I'm saying I'm smart because I am, I just stopped applying myself. My mom thinks it's because I'm on the computer too much, but I honestly just don't care anymore. I feel so bad about myself and I don't know where to turn to get help, and it's affecting my grades. Until last night I was going to apply to schools for civil engineering or aeronautical engineering, now I don't even care. I mean, I was applying to schools in Australia, but not I have no idea. It's just fucking with me so much, I feel like I can't accomplish anything, this is so confusing.
Something else about girls, I feel like I'm not good enough for them. I said I like girls and I do, but I don't really like the ones that like me. Like I'm going to junior and senior prom with 2 girls but neither of them I'd want to go out with. It's like I choose the girls I like because I know nothing can ever happen with them. Like my best friend, I like her but I can never be with her because of her religion. Another girl I can't be with her because she has a boyfriend. Another girl is the same story. And the ones that I do like that like me, I just end up pushing them away. Like I try to get their attention and when they finally start to hang out with me a lot, I end up slowly pulling away because I don't want to be with them anymore. And it's fucking with me so much lately.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing my homework. I have 2 projects in chem, an english research paper, a history PBA, and pages in my spanish book, because I wasn't there wednesday-friday because of the trip. And I feel like I'm being swamped and I don't have enough time for everything, which is making me not do any of it. Like it's 10 right now, I know that if I stay up and do everything I won't go to bed at all, and I haven't slept literally since saturday because I was so freaked out because of the plane on sunday, and then the plane got delayed and I didn't get to go to bed until 8:30 sunday night, so by then i was up for about 36 hours, and I had maybe 2 hours of sleep last night because of everything that happened, I just can't handle all of this. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I want to die, and I'm worthless and I can never get what I really want or be loved by the people I love. It just kills me because I can't have them or what I want, and I just dont want to be here anymore.
I still have a lot that I didn't say, but I'm just not ready I guess. I'm sorry it was so long, but I'm just so confused and I really need help or advide or something. Please, can someone help me with this?