I want to be skinny again.

[Fiction]

I've gone longer without starving than I ever have before (excluding a small two day relapse) but my thoughts are fucking up again. Every time I eat my head is just telling me I shouldn't be doing this.

I'm the heaviest i've been since about August and it's actually killing me. I want to be 95lb again. I want to be less. I hate this mindset. Where nothing is good enough. I hate it all. I don't even know what this post is about. I really don't get sometimes why I'm still here.

I'm getting such messed up thoughts. Things i've done before. Cutting instead of eating. Using cutting to stop me eating.

There are people i'll hurt doing this. People I don't want to hurt and it's the only thing that could stop me doing it but I don't know if it's enough. I hate this.

Sorry rant :/

[Syvelocin]

I know you don't see that, but you are skinny. You can be skinny and be well above 95 pounds as well. Middle ground is the most attractive, mind you. I don't know if it makes any difference, but guys, they don't like girls who look like skeletons. That's just an idea the media has planted in our heads, with the photoshopped magazine pictures and celebrities being way underweight. Beauty isn't dependent on weight. I know how it seems that way, I truly do. If we all were so critical of ourselves, none of us would be able to get on in life. That's why we need to trust other people to see our strengths since we cannot, and be truthful about it. Everyone else will always see your beauty Kathy, but you can only, at best, see half of that.

You've got to hang in there. Honestly, I would keep self-harming if it's going to help. I don't mean that in a promoting way. I mean, you can't tackle two habits at once. You have to get over the ED, then get over the self-harm once you feel like you've really tackled it.

[Fiction]

Thanks Rith. I think the thing with me is it's more the obsessive side of it rather than the actually being bothered about my weight, if that makes any sense. I had no problem with my weight when my ED first started. I just wanted to do something for once, to suceed in something.
Issues with my weight came after. When being heavier I associated with failing.

I want to stop self harming. I want to stop my ED. I don't know i'm fed up of it all.

[Spook]

If this is the longest you have gone without starving, you shouldn't throw it away! I agree with Rith--you are skinny, but you just don't see it. Don't give up now! Good luck ~Caitlin

[Fiction]

Thanks but it's hard :)

[1_21Guns]

The fact you've gone longer than ever before is showing improvement, like Rith said, I know you don't believe it, but you are skinny, and one day you will see yourself like we all see you. You want to stop, so you can stop, you just have to maintain that willpower again, you don't need to be 95 or less, and you're good enough exactly how you are, good luck Kathy :hug3:

[Fiction]

Thanks Nat :)