Needing the support.

[Magenta]

Even if I cut, I just need someone to get me through it. Make sure I don't cut too deep or keep me talking or something.

I'm curled in bed and even my purring cat isn't distracting me enough. I'm shaking and suddenly have a full body twitch or I become really stiff and painful. Even my eyelids hurt because I don't want them open. I don't want to see the world I live in. Why? Because the world is okay. It's just me that doesn't belong because I'm too messed up.

I want to hold my breath. Play my little game of seeing how long I can go until my chest hurts or I pass out. I just want to be overly destructive to myself. I just want to rip open my skin and destroy myself.

Help.

[Syvelocin]

I completely know where you're coming from Jo. I've definitely been there, where self-destruction looks just too appealing, whether literally destroying yourself or even emotionally/mentally destroying yourself.

You've got to fight that feeling. It might be so tempting to give in to it, but you just have to fight it. for ten minutes, an hour, a day. Take it in short bursts. You might find the five minute game to be helpful for you.

There's always support available, just say the word and it will be granted to you, I promise. It's so much easier to combat this when you have a support system, and I really want you to have that available to you, so you do. :) I'm here, I hope you feel better.

[Alexithymia]

I'm glad you're asking for help. I'm also glad I'm not the only one giving advice right now because I'm not the best at it.

Just send me or a mod about each and every time you cut. Tell us how deep it is, tell me if that's normal or not.

Being overly destructive can be hard to get away from. Whenever I feel like that, I focus on the people I care about. Anyone on VT, your parents, your friends. Anyone! Just know that they'll be sad that you tried to hurt yourself. But if you DID hurt yourself, don't worry about it. We know it's going to be hard to get through, and we'll help you every step.

And, you belong here. You kept me in this world, so you belong in this world.

[Magenta]

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm not sure what's happening. I was okay! I was doing so much better and now suddenly I'm making posts like this. I am starting to believe I will never be better. Every time I seem okay, I break all over again. I'm not sure I can handle this. I can't kill myself but the word suicide is back in my mind.

[music is my soul]

you are the first person i have seen on here that has said that the world is okay. i beleive that to. but if you think that the world is okay why are you cutting your self? whats going on?

here to talk anytime you want.

[Syvelocin]

Again, what you're describing is really familiar to me. I'm in that place right now, actually. I thought I was getting better with my ED. And it feels like I'm sliding back to square one. You just have to keep trying. Even if the future seems dim, tell yourself, lie if you have to, that it will get better. It will get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better.

You can definitely handle this. You are such a strong girl, Jo. And trust me, I'm not just saying that.

[Alexithymia]

I feel like I'm a step behind you, Jo. I'm in that happy moment. That "better" moment.

And don't just try and think that you're going to get better and never feel bad again. Never feel bad in the near future, at least. It's going to have slips, bump, and high moments. Just cope (safely, even if it means cutting) with those bad times, and learn to love those high moments.

Now, that's only short term advice. Longterm advice is when you have those bad moment, try and get help. Counselor, friends, family, even VT. Just get help. :)

[Magenta]

Stewart: My house is wonderful, I have parents that love me even though there have been events in the past that really hurt me, I have amazing pets and siblings. The only thing bad is the people at my new school. They all made fun of me as a kid. And suddenly I wonder if that's their fault. I was always weird and a freak. I still am. I deserve it. What idiot with such minor problems in hindsight cuts herself? And that's why. I hate myself so much. I hate trying to fit in when I don't. I hate being myself because she's weird and messed up.

Rith: I honestly don't think I'll get better. This has been going on my entire life and it's not stopping. I need a break. I can't keep living a life where I wonder if I'm actually going to be okay the next day.

Mark: Thanks. Seriously. I know I have your email address somewhere. If I do, can I email you when needed? You've been a great help in the past and I need the help more than ever.

I've never been more than twelve days without cutting. I don't think I can. I just don't want more moments like last night where I thought I cut a vein while my mother was sleeping in the next room over.

[Alexithymia]

Yes, Jo. Email me even when you don't need it. I'll actually PM you it, because I think I changed it. And on your comment to Stewart, I'm that idiot too. I cut when I just felt like my sister was being a bit too mean, and I was just a bit too unpopular in school. I never had a good reason, I just did it. And I'll help you over twelve days. The first time it'll only be one or two days over your limit. But I promise I'll help you over those times.

[Magenta]

Thanks so much. I do appreciate it. I can't promise I'll actually try at times but...

As for getting help... I don't have friends anymore so they're out. And I can't see a therapist. I don't trust them. I've never gotten anything from them and it just makes me feel worse because I have to see them in the first place.

[Alexithymia]

The therapist thing I can understand VERY well. I just want to never see mine again, but my mother doesn't understand this. The friends thing too. I'll never admit to my best friend that I cut, and I'll never even think of admitting it to anyone else. I don't want them to hate me.

And sometimes you just can't try. I also understand that. Sometimes you just have to take a breath and let go. Go a few days without trying. But then after that, you have to buckle down and try your HARDEST. Even if your hardest is only two days, you still tried your best. And I won't be disappointed for that.

[Magenta]

I guess only time can tell what will happen.

I think I'll try to just go to sleep. Maybe. Or just stare at a wall, wondering why I was ever born. I'll be alright, I think.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

and i'm here to when ever you need to talk