Two and a half months... and I'm cracking.

[Alexithymia]

Honestly, I rarely come to this website now. Not that I don't like it, but it causes too many... memories. It's a trigger rather than a relief now. And... And wow. I didn't expect it to be this hard to post this. But, back to the point. I've managed managed two and a half months. Two and half months! And now... I want the blood. The soaking. The pain. I want it all back. And, sure, some parts I don't like. Not just the scars, but the mad dash to clean it up. And I'm not even that depressed. I just want to cut. I'm struggling with an addiction now, not depression. And I need help on the addiction.

[Magenta]

First off, Mark, two and a half months is amazing! That's something you should really be proud of and we both know it would be a shame to throw that away. I'm proud of you. :)

It's good to hear that you know you need help. We're all here to offer the support. I'm glad to hear you're not that depressed but I know the fight is not yet over and I'm here for you.

My iPod hit send before I was done. Blah.

[screamtobeheard]

Two and a half months is fantastic! I know it's hard because the cravings for it can be overwhelming, but try to think about how far you've come. Try o distract yourself. Talk to someone. You can stay strong. You've come this far.

[Fiction]

I'm so glad that you're feeling a lot better Mark, and 2 and a half months is amazing. :)

As you said, you're fighting an addiction right now, not depression. If you're not depressed now is the best time to try and break out of that addiction. I'm sure you know all the usuals like use distractions etc. One thing that really helps though is finding some motivation to stop. Think of all the reasons not to cut. You've mentioned two already; the scars and the dash to clean it up. I'm sure if you really thought about it there'd be more too. Maybe people you hurt by doing it? And also what will the scars mean in the future. Just a horrible reminder like this site? Keep using the reasons not to cut to stop you from cutting. The longer you go the easier it'll be until one day you won't need it anymore.

You know where I am if you want to talk :)

[Alexithymia]

I'm not sure if I should make a new post or not. I'm going with not.

It's... horrible right now. Luckily I have nothing to cut with. I'm just worried that once I go home, I'm going to get a razor again. The scars are finally starting to fade (with a bit of help from cocoa butter). I'm worried though. I got hit in the face (accidentally), and it felt good. Better than I expected. I'm also worried that I might resort to alternate methods of self harm. It's going to be tough tonight. I just want to curl up and fall asleep, but I also just want to stay up and try and sort through these problems. Or use some form of self harm.

[AppealToReason]

That's crazy...I haven't SH in 2 1/2 months and am feeling the same way you are.
Hope things work out for you.

[SirRawrsalot]

When getting one of the sudden urges (which at 2.5 months is not exactly uncommon, congrats by the way since that's pretty impressive by any standard) the key is to distract yourself ASAP. Pop in your iPod, turn on the TV, text your friends with casual small talk, go on a run, play guitar hero, anything at all! You obviously won't be in the mood to do it, but it's absolutely crucial you get the willpower to do it. I believe you have that power considering how long it has already been. I hope this post isn't 24 hours late since you last posted here yesterday...

[Alexithymia]

Thanks everyone, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm about to give in and find any form of a sharp item I can and cut myself to all hell. I just can't fight this anymore. My parents are being mean, pressuring me, I'm sick with worry about my plane ride in just a few days, and I'm going to have no relief once I get back home.

[SirRawrsalot]

We all know that when the going gets rough the easiest course of action is to just give in, and sure you might feel good for an hour, maybe two, maybe a day if you're lucky, but that won't amount to nearly as much compared to the glorious triumph of going 6 months, 12 months, etc without cutting.


Please if you want to talk let me know through PM and we can exchange gmail or aim or msn or something.