ugh, this fucking sucks.,

[Bath]

All I've had today is half a mug of coffee, and a green Monster energy drink. it's 7:07pm. I went swimming, so hopefully that burned some calories. But I still feel so fat just from the coffee and Monster. My mom is coming home and making dinner and as always I'm struggling to resist. I really don't want to eat it. I want to be as empty as I can, I ruined being completely empty today. But at the same time, I want to eat. But if I eat I'll just end up feeling like complete shit later. Even a bite. I feel weak when that happens.

And this weekend is my dad's house. He always goes shopping with us at the grocery store and gets EVERYTHING we want. Last time I saw him was two months ago, when I was fine. Well, not fine, but better than I was. Eating at least 800 calories a day. And I don't want to eat.. but he's going to see that something's wrong when I go to the store with him and pick out nothing. Or pick out things and not eat them.

I'm just going a bit crazy, it's really getting to me. This isn't about being thin anymore. Well, that's definitely a big part of it. I don't want to be crazy skinny-- Just enough to have a decent stomach and thighs. To look pretty in a bikini. That's all I wanted. Now it's a fear to eat. I'm literally terrified of it. It's about being hungry and empty and happy. When I do eat I just cry, a lot. Once I even hovered over the toilet for an hour to puke it all up but I couldn't find the courage to do it. I can't win.

I sound insane.
This is hell.

[Triceratops]

It seems to me that in the back of your mind there has always been a problem, but only recently it has emerged into something that could progress into something very destructive.

I'm just going a bit crazy, it's really getting to me. This isn't about being thin anymore. Well, that's definitely a big part of it. I don't want to be crazy skinny-- Just enough to have a decent stomach and thighs. To look pretty in a bikini. That's all I wanted.

Overtime, the fear of losing power and dictation over food overshadows this initial desire to feel better about yourself. You'll tell yourself "I'll stop when I'm at the weight I want to be" or something like that, but you will never in a million years be happy with the weight you are. Not ever. I am actually now the exact weight I wanted to be a few years ago, but am I happy? Am I fuck. I am now 40 - 50 lbs away from my apparently disturbing "target weight". To me, reaching that 65 lb mark on the scales is my goal and nothing will get in my way and stop me. I'm pretty much rambling now, but my point is that it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse. It won't stop unless you get a grip.

Now it's a fear to eat. I'm literally terrified of it. It's about being hungry and empty and happy. When I do eat I just cry, a lot. Once I even hovered over the toilet for an hour to puke it all up but I couldn't find the courage to do it. I can't win.

If you don't get help right now, then I can promise you that this time next year you'll have a much more extreme problem on your hands. Trust me, once you have it bad, there's barely any chance of going back without suffering a long, hard and painful road to recovery. What's it gonna be?