georgiamay
March 24th, 2011, 04:09 PM
I can't concentrate on anything.
My head keeps going blank, and it's driving me insane. The only time when my head isn't blank, is the time when all I can think about is getting a blade and doing some crazy shit on my arms and legs. I don't even know why, it just seems to make sense.
Whenever I need to do something productive, my brain decides it wants to switch off, and when that happens, the only way to get me focused again, is to do some crazy shit on my arms and legs. What a suprise, eh?
I don't know. That's my answer to everything now. Whenver someone asks me how I am, I just say "I'm good." There is no word to describle how I feel. I don't feel sad, upset, angry, anxious, or guilty, I'm not even numb. There's something there, but I have no idea what it is, but I do know that I hate it.
I've had a massive urge to take all the pills I can find, and just see what happens. Not to try and die, but to see if I do die. I know, it sounds stupid. I'll see the pills, and think "if I take them, what would happen?" And then all I want to do is take them.
The other night, I think I spent a full hour staring at the artery under my skin on my arm. It was so fucking tempting. All I could think about was how hard would I have to press?
I'm not particularly suicidal. I have moments where I wish I was dead. These thoughts are more morbid curiosity. I'm just in a generally self destructive phase right now, I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm all over the place, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and I don't know what's going through my head. All I know is that I don't like it.
This is going to sound weird, but I really want to cry. I never fucking cry anymore, especially when I want to cry, I just can't, and it just keeps building up until I snap.
I don't know.
My head keeps going blank, and it's driving me insane. The only time when my head isn't blank, is the time when all I can think about is getting a blade and doing some crazy shit on my arms and legs. I don't even know why, it just seems to make sense.
Whenever I need to do something productive, my brain decides it wants to switch off, and when that happens, the only way to get me focused again, is to do some crazy shit on my arms and legs. What a suprise, eh?
I don't know. That's my answer to everything now. Whenver someone asks me how I am, I just say "I'm good." There is no word to describle how I feel. I don't feel sad, upset, angry, anxious, or guilty, I'm not even numb. There's something there, but I have no idea what it is, but I do know that I hate it.
I've had a massive urge to take all the pills I can find, and just see what happens. Not to try and die, but to see if I do die. I know, it sounds stupid. I'll see the pills, and think "if I take them, what would happen?" And then all I want to do is take them.
The other night, I think I spent a full hour staring at the artery under my skin on my arm. It was so fucking tempting. All I could think about was how hard would I have to press?
I'm not particularly suicidal. I have moments where I wish I was dead. These thoughts are more morbid curiosity. I'm just in a generally self destructive phase right now, I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm all over the place, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and I don't know what's going through my head. All I know is that I don't like it.
This is going to sound weird, but I really want to cry. I never fucking cry anymore, especially when I want to cry, I just can't, and it just keeps building up until I snap.
I don't know.