ERK!

[Nevermore]

The word erk annoys me, but I really couldn't think of another name for title. Thank you Mr. Abilify for keeping me up last night when I was so tired. I was too tired to finish the power point for class, but you just had to wake me up every half hour. It was creepy I'd jump up in my bed like I'd heard a bomb go off. I think one time if my memory recalls correctly I jumped out of my bed. I didn't actually hear anything, merely describing what it looked like. I had literally no sleep, my stomach hurts and I feel sick. I've been so depressed lately. I'm going to describe something that's hard to describe, so bare with me please. I feel content while my world is falling apart around me, but I know it's fake, I'm not dealing with the now. Nor do I believe that the content emotion is mine, but maybe my alter shielding me from my own emotions? Could that be possible? Now I'm just my typical anxious self. I feel like I'm getting into an anxiety attack. I just want to calm down... but I can't. I find it funny, I'm sitting here typing lookin calm in a crowded room, but no one can hear me screaming on the inside. I find it so funny that I can hide it so well. It's like a horrible secret that no one will ever know, and I don't know why that makes me happy, but it does.

[Spook]

Okay, I'm going to be honest. You seem much better than this. You don't deserve to be a human prison, imprisoning emotions of hate and anger. That is inhuman. You need to reach out for help, and I can see you have by joining VT. I suggest that the first thing you do is take a long hot bath. After that, get dressed, do your makeup, and get out of the house. Go somewhere fun, do something, talk to a friend, enjoy yourself. Then, go home and sit in your bed. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and say "I am a good person, and I don't deserve this." Then suck in air, and as you let it out, truly imagine all the feeling bottled in your heart slowly seeping out. Do this until you feel calm, and cleansed, new. You should make yourself feel reborn, like nothing has ever happened, like you have started a new life. Push all your thoughts and feelings of the past away. Reconnect with friends and family, restart your life. I don't wanna hear that you can't, because if I do I will know that you didn't try. I will annoy you will a bazillion posts until I see that you are happy. :D No is not an answer. Say to yourself, "Yes I can." Nw go prove yourself to the world. You did not write the post above. That was the old you. :)

[Nevermore]

I really can't until Friday though cuz of family rules with schooling. XD Thank you for your response. Problem is I've never really enjoyed myself. I feel guilty whne I'm happy and if I experience "happiness" I get an anxiety attack because I feel like everything is going to fall apart in a matter of seconds. Besides VT I'm not seeing a psycologist, psychiatrist, and going to see someone at a hospital soon for consultation. Thank you though <3333. :)

[Myrnodin]

I agree with Caitlin, what you need is to give yourself some love and a hobby. Have you tried things like huh... writing or learning music or building ship models? That will make you feel a lot more "useful" for yourself at least. And probably will overall help your mood. Also you could try videogames (unless you have addictive personality like me) blowing some zomnbie heads, invading some uncharted world or cast an epic spell usually makes me feel better when my mood is down. :)

[Nevermore]

Nothing makes me happy anymore though. It's like my enjoyment is out of any and all activities.