I really need help.

[screamtobeheard]

I'm scared. I'm scared as hell. I had counceling today. And I was having a bad day. I mean, it was one of those days, where I was just like, "I can't handle this, please just let me drop dead" kind of days. I don't know if anyone else has them, but I do. So, she could apparently tell. And she asked some stuff. And I told her everything that was stressing me out and making me feel like shit. And she made me cry with it. So she asked about my emotions. And what I was feeling. I told her I didn't know. I have a hard time placing emotions. But I told her hurt, angry, sad. All that.

And here's where the trouble comes. She looked at me and said, "Amanda, have you ever thought about hurting yourself to cope with your pain?" I was frozen. Fucking. Frozen. I thought quick. And went around the point. I told her, "it doesn't work." She said, "but you've tried it." I couldn't avoid it. I said, "not recently." Which was kind of stretching it a bit. I have cut recently. Just not...like, yesterday. But I told her I'm not suicidal. And I told her why I'm not suicidal, which may have been a mistake because the only reason I don't want to kill myself is because I don't wanna go from torment here to torment in hell. So she'll probably twist that and use it against me too.

But she said she wants to see me again on wednesday, and that "we'll talk about this some more." I'm so fucking scared. I can't tell her I cut. I can't tell her about any of my self harm. That lets her call my parents, and I cannot deal with that. If they find out about my self harm or my eating disorder, they won't let me go away for college. And I just can't deal with that. Does anyone have any advice?

[1_21Guns]

Amanda, just stop for one minute and breathe. You've let all this get on top of you and now you're panicking, you're not alone in having days like that, I get them quite a lot too, hell I spent 3 days wanting to throw myself off a cliff without knowing why.
She can't force you to talk, but if you don't talk one day it will never get better. Calm yourself down and stop being so afraid, the more worked up you get yourself, the more she'll see somethings wrong. Councellers don't know what's really going on inside your head, they can only take educated guesses from the things you tell them.
It's all going to be okay Amanda, just calm down then you will regain control of the things you say, what you've said has been said now, nothing can change that. Usually I'd advise you to tell her about the self harm, however if it's going to stop you being able to go away for college I understand. Just keep strong and hang in there hun, you know where I am if you need someone yeah?

[Myrnodin]

I agree with 1_21, you need to calm down a bit things are not really as bad as you are perceiving them. About your self harm, as long as you don’t end up in her office with still-bleeding wounds, she wont call your parents about that. Even if it was a few days ago, she will first try to help you to control that urge, and IF AND ONLY IF that doesn’t work, then she would have a reason to contact someone else. Normally psychologists maintain patient-therapist confidentiality as long as no ones life is in danger. Try to take that easy, and do your best to avoid severe self harm.

On eating disorders, it depends on the severity and the type, but unless you are really really starving to the point it is a pathology (not a disorder anymore) in itself, it should be possible to reach an agreement with her so that she doesnt call your parents. Again, you have to do your effort to help yourself. If you just promise things and dont to anything them she will call your parents.

Usually people thinks psychologists are evil people who just go and tell your parents every word you say and wont listen to anything else, but there are many of use who arent like that. (Id dare say that most of us arent like that) Some of us actually remember how it was to be the patient, and dont want to transmit that feelings into others.

Try to meet your therapist. (thats actually a recommendation for anyone who reads this post and has a therapist) I dont mean that you should sit him and bullet him with questions, but a few inquiries at the end of each session can often let you understand why he acts the way he does.

Cam down Amanda, we are not monsters, we are humans too, and some of us were the patients too some time ago, dont forget it.

Josh.

[screamtobeheard]

Natalie - Thank you for that. I've calmed down a bit, and cleared my mind. I still don't quite know what I'm going to do, but I'll figure something out. (:

Josh - I don't think she's evil, I'm just scared of what she can do. As you've implied, I don't know her that well, so I don't know what she can or will do. But I'll try to be open minded about the whole thing...Thank you.