Who am I?

[DarkNick]

It's like I'm not myself these days...
I'm looking for a change in my life.I'm sick of all these things happening to me since I was born!Everyday something or someone will ruin my day for real!
So I decided to shallow my pain,to disappear it 'cause I'm sick of crying and feeling sad all the time.But now that I shallow my pain I can't feel any happiness either... :(
I just feel so angry,frightened and powerful.But why can't I use this power?
I've been through 5 years treatment for cancer at the age of 6.
Now that it's over my dad got a stroke 2 years back (but he is still disabled) and he is blaming me and curses me all the time!(not that he didn't do that before,but now he does that a lot more!)
My mother is half-dead because she is exausted from all these,and I don't have any brothers or sisters!Everyone in the neighborhood that I live looks at me like I'm a zombie or something because of that!
None of my friends understands...They all just see me miserable and they don't give a damn....
One guy is giving me hard time (he used to be my friend but right now I don't know what the heck does he wants from my life!It's like he is fighting me again and again in a battle that nobody wins!)
I don't have a girlfriend even I want one...I fancy many girls at school and many people say you're beautiful and blablabla...but nobody wants to stand next to me as I can see...I feel so lonely and sometimes I like it but sometimes It's a pain in the...
And I just keep going ... but for how long?! I'm slowly becoming an illusion :(
(I know that I've told you all these things again some time ago but I'm sick of bottling up myself) :(
I try to be a living machine.Perfect to everything I do,without emotions but is the happy life that I'm looking for...?

[derkderpderp]

hey first of all well done for talking about this.
do you feel better at all after this?

what you need to do is release.
lock yourself in your room, put your music on if you want, and scream, or cry or shout, of idk, punch your pillows or jump around and let the anger, the feelings of loneliness and despair fill you up, and then let them all out!
do it in the confines of your room, or somewhere else where you wont be disturbed.
i used to do it outside, in my garden punching trees when i couldnt go to my room.
you need to let it out, but not on anybody at all, do it alone and not to yourself.
you need to vent dude! let it out!
im here to help anytime, just pm me

[DarkNick]

hey first of all well done for talking about this.
do you feel better at all after this?

what you need to do is release.
lock yourself in your room, put your music on if you want, and scream, or cry or shout, of idk, punch your pillows or jump around and let the anger, the feelings of loneliness and despair fill you up, and then let them all out!
do it in the confines of your room, or somewhere else where you wont be disturbed.
i used to do it outside, in my garden punching trees when i couldnt go to my room.
you need to let it out, but not on anybody at all, do it alone and not to yourself.
you need to vent dude! let it out!
im here to help anytime, just pm me

Thanks a lot.
Yes I feel better that I told it somewhere but about the idea you said.I do it everyday.It is in my daily program tbh :/
But thanks for your support.Really!! :)

[derkderpderp]

eep ok, then why not look for newer alternatives to it?
like idk, going on super long walks, ive been going on random runs in the mornings or when im feeling down and it tires me out so i cba to self harm lol
an idea maybe?

[DarkNick]

eep ok, then why not look for newer alternatives to it?
like idk, going on super long walks, ive been going on random runs in the mornings or when im feeling down and it tires me out so i cba to self harm lol
an idea maybe?

I wish I could but I have a very difficult schedule which I have to do every day e.But I'm playing tennis 3 times per week and I'm going at the gym everyday.
I don't have time to do anything else 'cause I have to go into extra lessons about school plus I have english lessons almost everyday... :(
So much...pressure! I only smoke a cigar from time to time if I feel too stressed before sleep.
I just want to quit from all these...If I could change home, I would definitely have done that already!

[derkderpderp]

eep, why not try to drop some of the lessons?

[DarkNick]

eep, why not try to drop some of the lessons?

To be honest I enjoy my english lessons...
It makes me feel relieved sometimes so I don't mind the pressure...
English is the language that makes me dream so I want to use it as much as I can... :)
As for the others I haven't go to my extra school lessons since last week :P I needed some rest.And yes I went out for a walk alone watching things but that made me thing more things that exists in my life (and that's good tbh).But it's like a drug.I want to do it more often but I can't :(

[derkderpderp]

ok, well then keep the english lessons up, and idk, make good memories? like idk in your next english lesson be more open when you have an idea about a concept or whatever and you never know it might be a good point, and idk that will also build up confidence to concentrate more on yourself?
but yeah, if thats the case, then when you do go on your walks, or when you do whatever makes you feel calm, or happier then savour each moment? dont think 'oh damn i wish the walk couldve lasted longer, i dont wanna be here, i want to be back outside', think instead about what you were thinking while walking, i.e carry on the though train as if you are still outside?
idk this might all be a bit weird, i hope it helps.
:D

[DarkNick]

ok, well then keep the english lessons up, and idk, make good memories? like idk in your next english lesson be more open when you have an idea about a concept or whatever and you never know it might be a good point, and idk that will also build up confidence to concentrate more on yourself?
but yeah, if thats the case, then when you do go on your walks, or when you do whatever makes you feel calm, or happier then savour each moment? dont think 'oh damn i wish the walk couldve lasted longer, i dont wanna be here, i want to be back outside', think instead about what you were thinking while walking, i.e carry on the though train as if you are still outside?
idk this might all be a bit weird, i hope it helps.
:D

Thanks a lot!
You really helped me and I have to say that I'm feeling better now.I just changed my way of thinking.I hope that I'll succeed my target one day and that this day will be soon...

[itsthat0n3kid]

It's like I'm not myself these days...
I'm looking for a change in my life.I'm sick of all these things happening to me since I was born!Everyday something or someone will ruin my day for real!
So I decided to shallow my pain,to disappear it 'cause I'm sick of crying and feeling sad all the time.But now that I shallow my pain I can't feel any happiness either... :(
I just feel so angry,frightened and powerful.But why can't I use this power?
I've been through 5 years treatment for cancer at the age of 6.
Now that it's over my dad got a stroke 2 years back (but he is still disabled) and he is blaming me and curses me all the time!(not that he didn't do that before,but now he does that a lot more!)
My mother is half-dead because she is exausted from all these,and I don't have any brothers or sisters!Everyone in the neighborhood that I live looks at me like I'm a zombie or something because of that!
None of my friends understands...They all just see me miserable and they don't give a damn....
One guy is giving me hard time (he used to be my friend but right now I don't know what the heck does he wants from my life!It's like he is fighting me again and again in a battle that nobody wins!)
I don't have a girlfriend even I want one...I fancy many girls at school and many people say you're beautiful and blablabla...but nobody wants to stand next to me as I can see...I feel so lonely and sometimes I like it but sometimes It's a pain in the...
And I just keep going ... but for how long?! I'm slowly becoming an illusion :(
(I know that I've told you all these things again some time ago but I'm sick of bottling up myself) :(
I try to be a living machine.Perfect to everything I do,without emotions but is the happy life that I'm looking for...?
well, its normal to be alittle depressed. A lot of these things have also happened to me in the past. but time heals all wounds. Its true.. just message me if you need to talk about something.:]

[DarkNick]

well, its normal to be alittle depressed. A lot of these things have also happened to me in the past. but time heals all wounds. Its true.. just message me if you need to talk about something.:]

Thanks a lot for the support m8 :)

[Spook]

I'm sorry to hear that. :( It's a good thing you came to VT to talk about it though! Maybe you could offer to take your mom out somewhere. It seems like you aren't the only one that is feeling down. If you build up your relationships with the ones you care for you are likely to feel much happier. :) I hope I helped and good luck, Caitlin

[DarkNick]

I'm sorry to hear that. :( It's a good thing you came to VT to talk about it though! Maybe you could offer to take your mom out somewhere. It seems like you aren't the only one that is feeling down. If you build up your relationships with the ones you care for you are likely to feel much happier. :) I hope I helped and good luck, Caitlin

I've done it plenty of times.It helped indeed
Thanks for your comment anyway.

[Bobbyfishstick]

Well is there any particular activity that you don't feel pressured? Something you enjoy. If there is then you should do that more often to help cope. No worries though I've been in a similar situation and it gets better! Message me if you need anything.

[Fiction]

It really does sound like you've been through a lot. It's normal to be upset after going through all of that, so I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

It sounds to me like you need someone to talk to. Maybe you should ask your mum about getting a councellor? You will be able to talk through things with him, and maybe clear your head a bit. If there is no way you can get a councellor then maybe find a friend you can talk to? If all else fails feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk :)