So afraid.

[Magenta]

Today I felt hope... but it won't last.

Everyday is one day closer to the nightmares. Daydreams I lose myself in. One day they will become reality. Some days, I lie in bed imagining myself being beaten. Or I am a murder victim. Most of the time, I'm being raped. Something is wrong with me: I hate dating, I broke up with my boyfriend because I can't even kiss him but I wouldn't mind being raped.

Everyday is a step closer to death. That's just how life is. I want so badly to run away. I need to get away from these thoughts.

My writing. I'm scared of it. It used to be a sanctuary for me but now I'll never share it. All the things I've written, god, they are so awful. Even this post scares me. How can I admit these things to people? How can I even be thinking this way in the first place?

I should be happy. I really should. Things are starting to go well for once but still I'm in my own dark mind that won't leave me alone. Just now, the thought of suicide came up. I pushed it away- I told myself I'd never think like that again.

But what if I do? What if I go back to that place again where everything was at its worst? I am so scared. I came back from the hospital on the right medication and thought 'That's it, now I'm happy' but I always end up by myself, thinking this way.

I don't want any stupid replies telling me I won't end up back there and I'll get better. I don't think I can. I know, that's prolly why I won't get better. Don't rub it in please. I don't want pity or hugs or someone telling me the meds can't fix everything. Just... I don't know.

[Myrnodin]

I don't want any stupid replies telling me I won't end up back there and I'll get better. I don't think I can. I know, that's prolly why I won't get better. Don't rub it in please. I don't want pity or hugs or someone telling me the meds can't fix everything. Just... I don't know.


Frankly I dont believe meds help at all. Unless you are about to harm someone else and docs need to put you down like an animal, which I highly doubt is the case since you retain enough rationality to write. About pity or hugs, well when working I try to enforce a "no hugging" policy and i spent the first eight years of my life having pity of myself and that got me nowhere. Thats why if you read some of the things i post around here, you will rarely find any of those things.

From your writing, I can only tell you one thing: You can either choose to be brave, or you can wait for life to teach you with its unorthodox method. Its funny how some people show the greatest resilience and perseverance precisely when they are stating that those are attributes they lack.

When I read your post, I didnt saw fear. I didnt saw someone afraid. I read the words of someone who has the will to fight but needs someone to push her into it.

You dont want hugs? You dont want pity? Then stand up and slap your fears that pity. Because words dont lie, people do, and your words say, you can be brave, your words say, you can face fear and slap it.

I say you can. And i wont give you a hug, ill give you a baseball bat and clear sight on those fears. What you do next, is inside you. Trust in yourself, for that is the best person you will ever know. And the only help, you will ever need.

Regards,


Josh.

On a side note: I like the way you write. ^^ I think you would make an awesome writer.
Please do not double post, use the edit button- Fiction

[Magenta]

Thank you.

Note: Use the edit button rather than double posting. :)

[Myrnodin]

Nah, if I had put that in the same post, it would have lost its strength. Sometimes one has to risk it. ;)

[Spook]

I agree. Meds do not impact your choices. Meds won't stop you from going back to that dark place in your mind. You need willpower. I'm not going to talk about my pity for you, I am going to talk about my belief. I'm not gonna say that you will get back to a better place, I'm gonna say that you better damn try. I'm not gonna give you a pat on the back and say you'll be okay, I'm gonna take your hand and make you get up and move. Do something you love, talk with a friend. Though I can't REALLY do the things above, I'll do it virtually. :P *Talks* *Says that u better try* *pulls u off ur but and pushes u torwards a better place* There. :D Now don't make my effort a waste of time. Use this advice and make something out of it. Go.