I'm such a screw up

[Izzybella]

I went two years without cutting...two years
its weird how everything I work for can come crashing down soo fast two years wasnt easy...it was hard as hell and all it took was one cut and lets just say it will be awhile until I wear shorts again...shows how much I thought it through...I live in florida and its hot as hell outside I have been wearing shorts almost everyday for the last two months now all of a sudden i will be wearing pants even though its 80 something and I have plenty of shorts I have a feeling my foster parents are going to catch on

I am the good kid ffs compared to the other two girls at least

If I can for two years and still start cutting again will I ever be safe? will I ever stop? all it took was one cut and i couldnt stop myself

I have an app. with the shrink today (again not thinking) i srsly doubt I will be able to get it past him he has known me for 5 years I am not going back to the hospital I will run away again but I wont be going back there

cutting made me feel so much better and now i am starting to feel worse than before

I blew it.

[beag_amhain]

first of all fair play to you hun for lasting 2 years! =] second i cant imagine how hard it was but how id think of it would be if you could do it before you can do it again =] as for the shorts i dont know, cuz its never warm enough here to wear them, bu could you wear peddle pushers? or even just wear tights with skirts r shorts? hun i think you should tell your councellor, it always, for me anyway, goes better and easier if your up front with what you've espically if hes known you for 5 years, maybe if you show him that your in control of what you do and say it was maybe a one time thing? just try and be up front with him as best you can =]
hope everything gets better for ye love =]
good luck

[Izzybella]

Thanks...i didnt tell him I faked sick so I didnt have to go. I feel like i am falling off a cliff and I am going soo fast. everything is just crashing. I am not even sure if I want to stop again...I know I do. I hate cutting but I love it to if that makes any sense but stopping is soo hard and whats the point if I just go back to doing it again. I have had a lot of f-ed days in the past two years and I was able to stop myself mostly because whenever I felt like cutting really bad I would drag myself out of my room and stay around as many people as possible even though i hated it. This time there was no one around and I just couldn't stop myself. Will I ever be able to completely stop I cant be around people all the time and I really dont want to be. I try to avoid people as much as I can I would much rather be alone. i dont think i can do this either way i am just a fake and a liar. I am sick of pretending that everything is ok when its not and I am tired of acting like I am happy. It makes me soo angry sometimes when people are like "i am so proud of you. you have come so far" but I haven't the only thing that has changed is I have gotten better at faking being happy. nothing has gotten better and I haven't "gotten better" i dont know what to do anymore

[HeroesAndCons]

Hun you have done good for Two years. Good job sweety
Now you know you can take that long
pick yourself up and start again
:heart::hug::heart:

[georgiamay]

Everyone slips up. It's what makes us human. I once went about six months without cutting, and then I started to slowly self harm in "milder" ways, until I snapped and cut/burned pretty badly in one night about 2 years after my last cut. I know how it feels to work so hard for something and then have to start again.

The fact that you went 2 years proves that you can do it again, there's nothing holding you back. You did it once, you can do it again, and this time you can go even further.

We fall so we can learn to pick oursevles up again, so that's what you need to go.

Good luck hun, PM me anytime, I'm always here. :hug3:

[Izzybella]

Thanks...I guess I sorta have a high score to beat. Putting things in terms of games works better for me. prolly guess my lives in those games are so much better than my real one. It's about 1am now and I haven't cut in the last hour so today 3/21/11 is my stop cutting date. I don't think I will get far this time alot of shit has been going on lately and I would rather cut then kill myself and thats how I feel a lot of times and the only thing that gets my mind off of killing myself is cutting...doesn't make much sense but thats how it is

Thanks for the support I cant talk about this kind of stuff with my "friends" they dont really get it and only one of my friends knows i "use" to cut. He said if he ever found out that I cut again he would tell the whole school and never talk to me again