I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of everything.

[1_21Guns]

I want to cut, so fucking bad. 126 days, and I want to crack. It's all I can think about, all the time. And if it's not that, I'm sat there daydreaming my own death. I've spent the past 4/5 days wanting to throw myself off a cliff. I've just had enough, I feel like I can't take it anymore. A girl who bullied me recently started again, well, it's not exactly the severe physical bullying I sometimes used to get, it's just words, stupid words, that aren't even an insult. It's the memories it brings up that make me die inside. "Pussy cat", I don't even remember why it started, I don't know why it hurts, "skinny legs" like I used to get, maybe that would explain more, but not pussy cat. It kinda makes me feel weak, like she knows I'm defenseless to her, I'm small, I'm weak, I've got no chance.
Been binging the past 2 weeks now, I'm just sat waiting for the change, the change which fucks everything up, fucks me up. The starving. I don't want to, that's why I've gone so long binging, I've been desperately trying to avoid swapping back to that, but now the sweet phase is over and I've slipped into the savoury one, I know full well it's coming. I'm afraid. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live at all anymore.
I'm getting confused between dreams and reality once again, maybe that's because even my dreams are becoming as, if not more fucked up than the reality. Rape, murder, it's all flying around my head and not one bit of it will go away. I push people away from me when I'm like this, even though I just really need a hug. I don't know. Works draining my already drained body, I'm just tired all the time, I seem to want to sleep a lot, which even in this state is unlike me. I'm losing myself and I'm losing everything I care about because of how it's going. It feels like I'm losing the people I love without being able to have any control over it. I just don't know who I am anymore, and once again, that scares me.

[Nevermore]

Natalie, you can do it! You can hang on, keep going, keep telling yourself that. I know it's hard. I watched on Youtube Idranktheseawater's videos. They helped me. Try 5 minutes to self harm. When you get the urge, try and wait 5 minutes before giving in, and do it again, and again, because with each of the 5 minutes you wait, the urge will get less. I've also heard from my psycologist that dumping ice cold water on your head can help. It will literally be freezing and that's all you will be able to focus on. Try it on your bathroom floor if you like cleaning up after yourself, if not go into the shower and try it. You're beutiful, and amazing. <3 With this jerk who's bullying skrew her! She's bullying because she's jealous of you. I know, it doens't seem like that. Bullies I've learned usually have it rough at home so they take it out on the people they are jealous of in school. If you want it to end talk to your guidance counsler, call the school up, talk to teachers, they will help you. You can and will get through this I promise just keep holding on! <3 (hugs)
I found this qoute my grandmother gave to me a long time ago, that I'd thought I'd share with you. “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

I beleive it's true. Natalie I know things are hard now, but look how brave and strong you are. Look how far you've come! You are so strong and so brave, just keep moving on. You are loved, and wanted, and I know it's hard to see that. I've been there. Trust me life will get better. Honestly I don't see it getting better for me, but I know there's hope for the future. This school you will leave, and you will leave home eventually. There is an end! You know what else? There is a purpose for our pain. You're suffering now, but guess what? Your on VT. Perhaps the reason your suffering is so you can better understand and help other people oging through the same problem?
If you ever need anything, please even just to vent or talk I'm here for you. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

I thought this was a good song/ video. <333

[georgiamay]

Ready for a long-arse reply? Good. :P

126 days is amazing Nat. :)
I know what it feels like you actually want to throw it all away, to want to break, and I know it's not a nice feeling. I'm not sure what gets me through it, but I do, it does pass eventually. There's nothing more I can say about that, except the stuff you already know. But that's another thing, you know why you shouldn't throw it all away, focus on those reasons. Whatever it was that kept you 126 days cut-free, focus on it, and never let it go.

Verbal bullying sucks, to put it nicely. I remember when I got really upset about it all those years ago, and my parents told me I was "over sensitive," and that I should be greatful that they weren't beating the shit out of me. The truth is, words hurt. Even if they don't seem particularly insulting, they do make you feel weak, pathetic and useless. But the truth is, you're not, they are. I've seen from your posts and stuff that the bullying has been going on for years, maybe even as long as you've been at school. And to put up with shit like that makes you a strong person. It might feel like each time someone says something nasty you get a little bit weaker, but you're actually getting stronger. If you can put up with this, you can put up with anything. And the fact that you've put up with it for so long proves that you are strong. I used to feel weak because of the verbal bashes I'd get, and while it happens, I still do. But when I think about it, the fact that I've put up with it all for so fucking long must count for something, and I think it does. You don't deserve any of the stuff you take though. No one deserves to be looked down on and talked down to all the time, you don't deserve it, because you're an amazing, lovely person. Whatever the reason is that people do this, it's got nothing to do with you, they just have their own problems that they need sorted. :hug:

There's nothing I can really say about the binging, because you already know everything I could possible say about it, you already know all the advice that I could give. But Nat, you're beautiful. I don't care what you think of yourself, that remains a fact, you are beautiful.
:hug3:

Intrusive thoughts/dreams aren't fun. Whenever I get them I feel like a massive freak because of them, like I belong in a maximum security psych ward because of them. When they jump into my head while I'm in a public place, I can't look anyone in they eye, because I'm afraid they'll somehow be able to see what I'm thinking. I know it's rediculous, but it's a horrible thought. I don't have anything to say about the dreams, I've never been able to work that one out... but what works for me sometimes is you know them old fashioned TV's? When someone turns them off, the screen just gets really small until it's just a dot, and then it disappears. I sometimes imagine those thoughts are one of them TV screens, and I watch it get smaller and smaller until it's completely gone. It won't work for everyone, but it's worth a try, right? These things don't make you different from everyone else, everyone has disturbing thoughts from time to time. Some people just get really bothered by them, and try not to think about it. And what happens when you try not to think about a pink elephant? You think about a pink elephant.


You know where I am yeah? I'm always here because I have no life. :P

:heart:
:hug3:

[1_21Guns]

Natalie, you can do it! You can hang on, keep going, keep telling yourself that. I know it's hard. I watched on Youtube Idranktheseawater's videos. They helped me. Try 5 minutes to self harm. When you get the urge, try and wait 5 minutes before giving in, and do it again, and again, because with each of the 5 minutes you wait, the urge will get less. I've also heard from my psycologist that dumping ice cold water on your head can help. It will literally be freezing and that's all you will be able to focus on. Try it on your bathroom floor if you like cleaning up after yourself, if not go into the shower and try it.

I've used that 5 minute technique before, I just kinda forgot about it with so much going on in my head, so thank you for reminding me :P

You're beutiful, and amazing. <3 With this jerk who's bullying skrew her! She's bullying because she's jealous of you. I know, it doens't seem like that. Bullies I've learned usually have it rough at home so they take it out on the people they are jealous of in school. If you want it to end talk to your guidance counsler, call the school up, talk to teachers, they will help you. You can and will get through this I promise just keep holding on! <3 (hugs)

I'm already pretty sure she does it because she's insecure about the way she looks, but there's nothing I can do to change that, which is usually why I sit there and put up with it all, that's what I did in primary, and it did stop halfway through my last year there, then ofc started again in high school, in all honestly, it would probably cause me more trouble to open my mouth now, so I guess I'll just keep sticking it out...

I found this qoute my grandmother gave to me a long time ago, that I'd thought I'd share with you. “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

Thank you so much, that actually means a lot to me now you've said it (:

I beleive it's true. Natalie I know things are hard now, but look how brave and strong you are. Look how far you've come! You are so strong and so brave, just keep moving on. You are loved, and wanted, and I know it's hard to see that. I've been there. Trust me life will get better. Honestly I don't see it getting better for me, but I know there's hope for the future. This school you will leave, and you will leave home eventually. There is an end! You know what else? There is a purpose for our pain. You're suffering now, but guess what? Your on VT. Perhaps the reason your suffering is so you can better understand and help other people oging through the same problem?

perhaps, I've always believed everything happens for a reason, I guess my whole existance must be here for some reason seeing as I was the result of a split condom, and well, what're the chances, but anyway. It just feels like I'm here to suffer and nothing more, I don't know really. I've spent the whole night with terrible urges and I still don't know what to do with them, they just seem to get stronger and stronger day by day.

If you ever need anything, please even just to vent or talk I'm here for you. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

I thought this was a good song/ video. <333

thank you so much :hug3:


Ready for a long-arse reply? Good. :P

126 days is amazing Nat.
I know what it feels like you actually want to throw it all away, to want to break, and I know it's not a nice feeling. I'm not sure what gets me through it, but I do, it does pass eventually. There's nothing more I can say about that, except the stuff you already know. But that's another thing, you know why you shouldn't throw it all away, focus on those reasons. Whatever it was that kept you 126 days cut-free, focus on it, and never let it go.

I know, I'm trying, it's just getting harder and harder to believe in those reasons anymore, I guess I'm at that stage again where you doubt everything, doubt what's worthwhile, doubt what you've always had, mostly doubt yourself and I don't really know. When I got over 100 days, I didn't even realise how long it had been, at the moment it's felt like each day has passed like a year, and as I edge closer and closer towards getting to that huge year point, each day seems to require fighting more than ever before.

Verbal bullying sucks, to put it nicely. I remember when I got really upset about it all those years ago, and my parents told me I was "over sensitive," and that I should be greatful that they weren't beating the shit out of me. The truth is, words hurt. Even if they don't seem particularly insulting, they do make you feel weak, pathetic and useless. But the truth is, you're not, they are. I've seen from your posts and stuff that the bullying has been going on for years, maybe even as long as you've been at school. And to put up with shit like that makes you a strong person. It might feel like each time someone says something nasty you get a little bit weaker, but you're actually getting stronger. If you can put up with this, you can put up with anything. And the fact that you've put up with it for so long proves that you are strong. I used to feel weak because of the verbal bashes I'd get, and while it happens, I still do. But when I think about it, the fact that I've put up with it all for so fucking long must count for something, and I think it does. You don't deserve any of the stuff you take though. No one deserves to be looked down on and talked down to all the time, you don't deserve it, because you're an amazing, lovely person. Whatever the reason is that people do this, it's got nothing to do with you, they just have their own problems that they need sorted. :hug:

Yeah I guess you're right, I mean I've always had a high shit tolerence because of it all, I used to lash out, and well I guess that's why the primary school bullying got physical, so I couldn't lash out anymore, I just ended up with these huge build ups of anger I couldn't do anything with, or control, and I still feel like I have those today. It's 8 weeks until I'm out of there, and even counting that down feels like eternity.

There's nothing I can really say about the binging, because you already know everything I could possible say about it, you already know all the advice that I could give. But Nat, you're beautiful. I don't care what you think of yourself, that remains a fact, you are beautiful.

Yeah I know, I've finally gone over the weight I've never been over before, only by quater of a pound mind, but over none the less, it didn't really bother me while I was stood on the scales, but now I'm sat thinking about it, it is, yet I still can't stop overeating >.<

Intrusive thoughts/dreams aren't fun. Whenever I get them I feel like a massive freak because of them, like I belong in a maximum security psych ward because of them. When they jump into my head while I'm in a public place, I can't look anyone in they eye, because I'm afraid they'll somehow be able to see what I'm thinking. I know it's rediculous, but it's a horrible thought. I don't have anything to say about the dreams, I've never been able to work that one out... but what works for me sometimes is you know them old fashioned TV's? When someone turns them off, the screen just gets really small until it's just a dot, and then it disappears. I sometimes imagine those thoughts are one of them TV screens, and I watch it get smaller and smaller until it's completely gone. It won't work for everyone, but it's worth a try, right? These things don't make you different from everyone else, everyone has disturbing thoughts from time to time. Some people just get really bothered by them, and try not to think about it. And what happens when you try not to think about a pink elephant? You think about a pink elephant.

you're right, I've had them a lot longer than I ever thought I did, and I guess realising that took me back a bit, I'll probably try that next time they happen, they kinda stopped happening while I was awake, and became really bad in my dreams, but you sort of lose control when you're dreaming, however I could kind of fight them when I was awake, which I guess is why they aren't as bad anymore... well.. depends how you define bad, but anyway :P


You know where I am yeah? I'm always here because I have no life. :P

:heart:
:hug3:

thank you so much Georgia! Thank you both again, it means a lot :hug3: :heart: