Friends.

[deadpie]

I hate seeing it all come up. Another friend recently died. It's the first one in a while that wasn't drug related. Still, it's hard seeing this. She was a beautiful girl. I don't get it. Getting on facebook and seeing the group, seeing that she's gone.

One of my friends from school could possibly also be dead. Nobody knows anything or where he is. He's just disappeared, pulled a Richey Edwards. I actually had somewhat of a 'bond' to him that was unique. I know he had lost a very close friend to an overdose and he took it hard. So I wouldn't be surprised if he's gone because he killed himself or OD'd.

Being an addict, I've had countless amounts of friends die. I've seen people close to dying. Even at my own last school, I've seen people pass out and shit. It's not fun to be around that stuff. The previous school was typical.

In eighth grade I lost a really close friend of mine, someone I really related to. He was very inspiring to me, especially with music. I guess my music ocd kicked in after he passed. I feel like it was my fault because I should of helped him more. I stopped caring the more I got into drugs. Then he killed himself. I don't get why I survived all my attempts and he died. He had more potential in living then I did. He didn't turn to drugs for help. He could still find faith in things.

Another friend I've been hanging with lately reminds me allot of him because he's also suicidal, but has that faith. It bothers me seeing people with that, because I don't have it. I lose it more every day that I think of this shit.

Ally, she's alive but I lost her so many times. She's OD'd on drugs I gave her. Can you understand the FUCKING GUILT in something like that? She's attempted suicide over me before. She would blame me for cutting herself and using. And truthfully, it is my fault. I was only with her for sex. And I didn't even care about sex. She was heavier in drugs and alcohol than I was. She still is. Looking at her is like looking at someone who's already dead because there's no turning back for her. Some people just can't get sober.

I hate my sister, but I love her. She annoys the shit out of me, but I'm scared. She's only eight and talking about killing herself, wanting to break her arms and stuff like that. I feel like I might of influenced that with my suicidal behavior. Even though everyone blames it on her ADHD, I think it's my fault.

Another person, very, very close to me. He's going to die. I know it. Actually, I'm not even going to talk about him because that's too much for me.

I don't know. Everyone around me dies. I deserve to die. They don't.

[Magus]

It's obvious that not many will post in this thread, beacuse not many can relate to it. But I do, in some way. And have this urge to post, or else I won't rest easy.

I never lost a friend. The closest thing was that my only friend has diabeties - that did shocked me a bit. A lot of thougts came into my head, they made me cry. I only have one friend. But fortunately, there is medecine for him.

And as for the black poison(if it's heroin you are talking about). I probably have said this before: A lot of my people died because of it. Even the one who suggested my name, Faris. He took his life, he self immolated, because he could not get his dose. And recently, there was a guy who I use to play with when I was a kid, he died because he made a mistake while injecting.

You see, nobody deserves to die. Yes, we all make mistakes, albeit the after effects bounce back.

If you did a mistake, correct it. And learn that there are uncurable mistake. You have only one life; learn the mistakes of others. Rather, let nature take care of you.

[Fiction]

I can't pretend that I relate fully, because I don't.

The nearest I have is when I was 12, I caused my best friend to attempt suicide. It's been rumoured it was a fake attempt since. That she lied to hurt me because she knew i'd think it was all my fault. She did actually get someone to tell me she was dead, so I guess it wasn't real but either way the guilt that I felt when I thought she was was very real. I guess what i've learnt since then though is that it takes more than one person to cause a person to kill themselves. It's never one thing that causes someone to attempt suicide, but i'm sure you already know that if you've attempted. Therefore you can't entirely blame yourself, because there is always more than one factor that contributes to a suicide.

I know this is the shittiest advice ever, but your friends wouldn't want you to blame yourself. When I attempted and many times since, I guess the only thing that's stopped me from getting a lot further is the thought that people would feel guilty or hurt by what i'd done, because I know it isn't their fault. I'm sure your friends also know that it isn't your fault.

[Myrnodin]

I cant relate completely either. My old friends didnt die, but i did lose my best friends to drugs. The thing is, i have tried to read at your post in the most objective way possible and i got two suggestions for you.

First, id recommend you to meet a psychologist, which may or may not be at your school. I believe you are taking a lot of blows right now, and if you dont let some of the steam go off, you will break.

Secondly, you HAVE to get your sister and your PARENTS into therapy. Id rather not take this as a suggestion. Your sister is not showing signs of healthy mental development, but that cant be helped by merely getting her some theraphy. I am positive that it is your parents who are leading and influencing you and your sister. (frankly it is your sister who worries me the most) I dont mean they actually "want" you to have that kind of trouble or anything, but you must understand that our whole personality and mental issues (specially mental issues) are a direct result of our parents unconscious influence over us. (Let me know if you need some arguments on this, i can recommend a couple of books)

You can ask about it to your school counsellor or some psychologist and they will guide you in an appropriate way. Please think on your sister, she isnt just playing.

Yours,

Josh.

[Spook]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Pm me if you want to talk.

I also agree with Myrnodin. Those thoughts your sister is having are not healthy for her. She should talk to a therapist about it.