Compulsive running away

[Fiction]

Ok, I don't know if anyone else gets this. I've never even heard of it on here before, so I don't know if any of you can really help.

It all started during my overdose. I ran away from hospital and ended up with the police after me. Now it's automatic. I run away from everything. I ran away from a lesson my first day back at school. I ran out of the car after an arguement with my mum. I ran away from school and told no one. I ran away from the strictest teacher in school. I've done so many things I would never do before.

I guess the real thing that I hate about this is that I seem to have no control over it. None what so ever. The first I know that i've run away is usually when i've done it, and I can't go back then. I know that sounds sort of more impulsive, but it seems to have a compulsive side to it too. Like when I ran away from school. I got in the car, had my mum shouting at me. She drove me to school and all the time I was planning that I was going to run away, and I did.

I guess though my running away isn't a "going away forever" type running away if that makes sense. I never plan to get far. It's just the quickest way out of that particular situation.

The thing that scares me though is the way running away makes me feel. After I do it I get the guilt. I get the feeling that i've messed everything up again. That's when I get suicidal. I've had a few close calls again. I haven't overdosed again, but there have been times where it's only physical limitations stopping me.

I guess also at the moment, i'm still at school. I'm with people I've known for years. People who know this isn't me. That i'm not just someone who runs away from everything... Or I wasn't. Either way they are a bit more understanding of it than others would be, but I start college in September. I really want this to stop before then. I don't want to just be known as the kid who runs away. I don't want this anymore but i'm not sure how to stop it.

[Myrnodin]

Ill keep thinking on this for some time. But right now i have a few ideas that may help.

I notice something recurring in those "run away" scenarios which id like you to confim. Is it correct that everytime you run away someone was demanding something from you? Like: Maybe the first time in the hospital someone was demanding you to do something, and then a school lesson demanding you to answer, and then your mom yelling demanding behavior?

Am i correct here? If i am right then i would keep it "simple" treat it as conditioning. (You may ask a pychologyst about it) Which is "relatively" easy to "cure". (please note the "relatively") It may also be some more complex social anxiety, but again, I prefer to keep things simple.

Think of it a little and let me know the results?

For now try not to worry about it and avoid demanding people. (no, its not a joke) A simple way to help it would be trying to do things other people ask impolitely. Even if its picking up a napkin. (Again assuming im correct) That would waken the conditioning a little, but you sill need some special therapy for it.

Anyways, i hope i can help. :)

Josh.

[Quick_Sylver]

I get the same thing.. Only I dont make the conscious decision to run, and half of it is me wanting out of here forever. :hug: I don't know how to control it unfortunately, but I understand what you mean.

[Fiction]

I guess I kind of see where you are coming from Josh. It does seem to be when people are demanding stuff from me. The running away is always from other people. Either they are demanding something from me or they are putting me into a situation I can't handle.

Rebecka, I don't make the concious decision either. It just kind of happens usually. Although it has been more planned at times. I guess mine is wanting to get out forever. When I run away i've been having pretty strong suicidal feelings at the least. sometimes even getting as far as only physical limitations stopping me. So I guess it is me wantiong to get out of there forever too.

[Quick_Sylver]

Does it make you feel better to run when the urge to SH or suicidal thoughts are stronger?

[Mikey_bishop]

Running away, for you, is a quick end to whatever situation you find yourself in. The fact that you feel guilty afterward means that you know its not something you should do, or the answer for whatever issue is bothering you. You probably keep running away because it has become an impulse, and for at least that brief second - its "comfortable" for you - and when things get tough for people, they do what is comfortable.

You need to look at the situations individually, and see if there are commonalities that cause you to run, or possibly look even farther back than that, and see if there are issues that perhaps you have not addressed (abuse, drugs, etc) that may manifest its self in your running away and/or suicidal close calls.

My advice to you would be to get some counseling. Sometimes it just helps to get things off your chest to a person that is kind of like a third party (not a parent, etc).

Good luck! :)

[Fiction]

No my running away makes my suicidal thoughts worse. I tend not to SH when I run away though. It does seem to help them a little.

I am in councelling, but I hate it and I'm quitting.

[Quick_Sylver]

Is it the counsellor or the idea of telling someone everything that you hate?

[Myrnodin]

You know, finding a counsellor is just like finding a boy/girlfriend. There has to be some sort of "chemistry" between you if you want it work. Im not saying you have to be in love with your counselor (actually i got in trouble because of that...) but when there is this "chemistry" between the patient and the counsellor, things just come out, without forcing them. It may sound like caprice but it is not, its just the way human beings work, and that would be my advice. Keep looking for the right one. <3. (seriously tho)

You could try writing while you wait. That worked for me a lot when i was younger. I could give you some directions on how to handle this "running" issue at the moment if you wish, but for there to be some long-term benefit, there must me someone who knows about psychology there to guide you and your efforts.

Best of luck,

Josh.

[Fiction]

I guess my problem is i'm too good at putting up a front. My councellot pretty much told me there was nothing wrong with me. I gave him the wrong impression. Sugar coated it all and made him think I was happy all the time. I couldn't help doing it thought. I was honest. I didn't lie to him, but I just gave the wrong impression.

[Syvelocin]

I guess my problem is i'm too good at putting up a front. My councellot pretty much told me there was nothing wrong with me. I gave him the wrong impression. Sugar coated it all and made him think I was happy all the time. I couldn't help doing it thought. I was honest. I didn't lie to him, but I just gave the wrong impression.

I know what you mean. I do that with everyone, because I make the mistake of showing professionals the same mask I wear for everyone else. And it's the funniest thing, the infrequent times they see me break down, because they freak the hell out.

What I've been doing is bringing in my posts on VT, or just the vents I write when I'm upset, and reading them out loud to them. They're like my personal monologues, exactly what I was thinking at the time. It helps them get to know me pretty well.

[Fiction]

I guess that'd probably help a lot... but i'm not sure I want them seeing that. I don't know.

[Myrnodin]

You have to be aware that if a psychologist cant tell the difference between your mask and the real you, then you are better off without him. Its what i said in my last post, you need to find someone who can actually see through you without making you feel uncomfortable, and eventually the mask will start to lift.

[Fiction]

Yeah I am considering asking for another councellor. Thank you.