I miss it.

[-Silence]

Sounds horrible to say, but I miss cutting.

It's been almost three years. You'd think that I would be over this, right? I'm 23 years old, I have a son, I have a family, I have a job, I have all that I want right now so why do I want to slice my arm open? How can it be so long since I've cut yet just the thought of cutting feels normal. I spent seven long years cutting, when I threw away my blades I thought I was done. Sure, the occasional thought would come around - but not like this. I find myself staring at my scars wishing that I could make more. I see a bare spot on my arm and I'm dying to drag a razor across it. I'm imagining myself wrapping it up and falling asleep holding my arm like in the past. I'm desperate for that relief and it seems like lately nothing is filling it the way cutting used to. That's why I'm posting here, trying to atleast get it out. Talking to Ben about it would terrify him, he's been there when I was like this. And the crazy part of this is I'm not depressed, it seems like I'm too busy to be depressed. I think I just miss who I was. I was a mess but somehow that mess feels alright. I don't know, maybe I just liked feeling taken care of, maybe then for a moment I wasn't the one holding everything together.

Just thinking, I guess.

[itsthat0n3kid]

heather,
i know it might be hard.. i have never been in the situation you are in now. but you have a son. somone who depends on you. would you want him to grow up and have his role model be a mother who self harms herself? i really dont think you want that for your son.

[Quahog]

No. Life is so good for you right now. You have so many good things going for you. Cutting shouldn't even be in your mind. You don't want to take backward steps, you want to move forward.

[Weeping]

I have that feeling sometimes too, even though my life is great nowadays. But I know that feeling. I hate that feeling, but I also love it. Please just don't fall back. It's not worth it. Hope you'll have brighter thoughts soon <3

I'm here if you need to talk (:

:hug:

[1_21Guns]

It's an addiction Heather, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that, it's always going to be on your mind sometimes, 3 years is amazing, and you are over it, you shouldn't let this momentary urge destroy what you've worked so hard towards.
I kind of understand missing being like that, I do too, however how many days I've gone without self harm (around 130 now) is very little compared to your nearly 3 years, you have an amazing life, and an amazing future, this bump in the road doesn't have to, and isn't going to pull you back hun :hug3:

[Fiction]

I suppose the fact that I know I will feel how you described if I stop, is one big reason that puts me off stopping.

I'm sure you know it's addictive, but to be able to give up for 3 years shows that you have real strength. I'm sure you've got through so much worse urges than this before, to have got to 3 years you'll have had to have done. I know it must be hard, but you know that going back to it is not worth it. You have your little boy to look after, even if you aren't resisting the urge for you, do it for him.

[-Silence]

Thanks guys, it really means alot.

I didn't cut, I knew I wasn't going to, just needed to write the thoughts out. Try to get them out of me and for now it worked.