KirstieKins
March 12th, 2011, 11:34 PM
Right, I don't know why I'm posting this I suppose I just need to get everything off my chest I have held so much in over the years, and I think this is my way of exploding!
I self harm, a lot. However I do it in my sleep, which makes it worse cause I can't control it at all. Lets go the beginning of my story.
When I was 14 my nan died. Ever since I have been feeling guilty because I didn't go and see her when she was dying, and I haven't been to her grave once. I am now 18. It isn't that I don't care, I DO, but I just can't deal with it. I don't want to accept it. Anyway, a year after her death I was feeling like shit, and on top of that some random girl started to bully me and it wouldn't stop. I usually take my anger out by smashing things, and punching stuff it didn't work this time, I eventually found myself in my bathroom staring at the razor, and before I knew it I had ripped the shit out of my arm. This carried on for a few weeks until my mum found out. She was genuinely nice about it but mad at the same time. I promised not to do it again and she believed me. I did stop, for six months.
When I was 16 I went through a depressive patch, for reasons unknown to my self. The self harm started again, but I hid it well this time, and eventually after months of self discipline I stopped.
Most recently I have found myself becoming stressed easily and occasionally feeling really depressed. I started to have nightmares which involved me walking through a park at night in a hospital gown whist it was raining blood. When I woke up in the morning I would have the odd scratch on my arm and think WTF? But last week I had the dream again, only this time I woke myself up and I was standing in the bathroom, blade in one hand, blood dripping down the other. I cleaned up and went back to bed.
I refuse to tell my mum as I don't want her to be disappointed and I don't want to tell anyone I actually know.
I want to stop, but its as if my subconscious isn't letting me! Aghh!
Rant over. Feels so much better telling people this. I'm really not comfortable telling people I know, I'm not expecting replies, I just needed to tell someone, ANYONE all this before I exploded.
I self harm, a lot. However I do it in my sleep, which makes it worse cause I can't control it at all. Lets go the beginning of my story.
When I was 14 my nan died. Ever since I have been feeling guilty because I didn't go and see her when she was dying, and I haven't been to her grave once. I am now 18. It isn't that I don't care, I DO, but I just can't deal with it. I don't want to accept it. Anyway, a year after her death I was feeling like shit, and on top of that some random girl started to bully me and it wouldn't stop. I usually take my anger out by smashing things, and punching stuff it didn't work this time, I eventually found myself in my bathroom staring at the razor, and before I knew it I had ripped the shit out of my arm. This carried on for a few weeks until my mum found out. She was genuinely nice about it but mad at the same time. I promised not to do it again and she believed me. I did stop, for six months.
When I was 16 I went through a depressive patch, for reasons unknown to my self. The self harm started again, but I hid it well this time, and eventually after months of self discipline I stopped.
Most recently I have found myself becoming stressed easily and occasionally feeling really depressed. I started to have nightmares which involved me walking through a park at night in a hospital gown whist it was raining blood. When I woke up in the morning I would have the odd scratch on my arm and think WTF? But last week I had the dream again, only this time I woke myself up and I was standing in the bathroom, blade in one hand, blood dripping down the other. I cleaned up and went back to bed.
I refuse to tell my mum as I don't want her to be disappointed and I don't want to tell anyone I actually know.
I want to stop, but its as if my subconscious isn't letting me! Aghh!
Rant over. Feels so much better telling people this. I'm really not comfortable telling people I know, I'm not expecting replies, I just needed to tell someone, ANYONE all this before I exploded.