i'm afraid

[lamentation]

first of all; i'm new on this forum so if i do anything wrong i apologize before.

i've been cutting since half a year now. at first you couldn't really call it cutting, because there was no blood and such, but it got worse when time passed. now i'm cutting myself each day with the blade i got out of a throw-away-razor. it's not very big so the cuts are not that deep and won't bleed that long. they're not big also, just a lot of tiny cuts at once. but i've gotten afraid what will be next.. what will happen if these small cuts won't satisfy anymore?

the reason i cut is because i'm very disappointed of myself. it's like i'm punishing myself for who i am. i think i'm a horrible person and i feel like i deserve it, but at the same time it's so relieving. but then again; this reason makes me afraid. if it was just stess or so, it could get less and maybe the urge to cut also, but i don't think i will ever feel better about myself.

i don't dare to tell my mom, because i know it will hurt her and i'm scared of what she will do when she finds out. she saw some cuts, but didn't ask about it. i mainly cut on my upper legs so no one will see.

also, i'm certain everyone will think i only want attention.

what am i supposed to do now? i'm afraid of getting help and afraid of telling anyone. but i'm also afraid of the fact that it will get worse... i don't know what to do anymore...

[georgiamay]

Firstly, welcome to VT! :)

I started the same way, I only scratched myself, and rarely drew blood. That's the thing with self harm, it escalates and just gets worse.

I was afraid of telling my parents as well, but when they found out, they were so hurt about the fact that I didn't tell them. They were hurt because I felt like I couldn't go to them about it, and now I've realised that it would have been better if I told them myself, instead of waiting all that time for them to find out anyway.

When my dad found out all them years ago, he said it was for attention at first. But maybe if you just explained that it isn't for attention? I did, and now he's sort of realised that I don't cut for attention. The fact that you do it mainly on your legs so no one will see proves that it's not for attention, otherwise you'd be showing it off.

Well, posting in here was a great first step. :) Everyone here knows what you're going through, and you'd be surprised at how many people do the same.

We're all here to help, you can PM me anytime if you need to talk. :hug3:

[Weeping]

Owh.. You really need to try stopping! It's just getting harder (and worse) the longer you keep it going.
Don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. <3

:hug:

btw: welcome to vt (:

[charlotte945]

I know exactly how you feal. For me it did get wors it got a lot worse than just cutting. I know how much the need to do more damage keeps escalating untill you've done so much damage on yourself that you just can't hide. My advise is get some kind of help before it escalates or even just do somthing that makes you happy, and trust me i don't even know you but i can tell that you arn't a disipointmint. You came to VT and told us ur problome, you're only a disipointmint when you give in so just don't give in. I hope you get better.

[Fiction]

Mine started as scratching as well. That was almost 2 years ago now. I was scared where it would end up as well. I ended up in hospital after an overdose, which part of the motivation behind it was due to feeling so stuck in my self harm. That's how my mum found out. It hurt her so much more finding out that way than it would have done if i'd had the guts to tell her at an earlier stage, at the stage you are in now.

Not only was it the worst way for my parents to find out, but I have horrible memories of what happened, and my mum hides away all the pills in my house. My mum doesn't trust me anymore. The sooner you can stop this, the better. If stopping means telling your mum, then please do it.

Just from people i've seen on this site, I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 your parents will find out eventually.

[IlM'aime_xx]

im in nearly the exact same situation,i hope yu get better.

[NSNgurll]

I know exactly how you fell... im in the same situation as you and if you need to talk just contact me.

im new as well...so welcome to VT