The end?

[FullyAlive]

I'm sitting here and I'm staring at my blades, and the packet of paracetemol I have ready. I feel so alone, so numb. I just want to stop. To stop thinking, to stop feeling. To just stop living.
I feel isolated, like I have no one, no one who truly cares, so why should I bother staying alive, because staying alive takes so much more effort than I have right now.
I drank a lot last night, I just wanted to forget everything just for a few hours instead I've just woken up feeling shit. Worse than before.
I almost did it on Thursday, I almost killed myself. Now I'm wondering why didn't I, why did I think twice, being dead would be so much better than being here, now.
I want to cut, but I can't I promised someone I'd have one day a week with no cutting and we chose Saturday, it's s weird thing to promise but I did so :/
But the people I can hear, they're telling me "not to bother, she only pretends to be your friend she hates you really so why keep such a worthless promise. You could just do a few, just shallow, you'll feel better." they're getting hard to ignore.

I don't know why I'm posting this. To tell someone? To vent? I'm not sure.
This isn't a goodbye thread, because I dont think I'm going to kill myself right now, sometime soon maybe, hopefully, but unfortunately not now.

[Love.Hate]

I almost did it on Thursday, I almost killed myself. Now I'm wondering why didn't I, why did I think twice.

The reason your thought twice is because you know suicide isnt going to solve anything.

What is it going to solve? It will stop your pain. But still you have created so much pain for everyone else. People do care, they do love you. You just cant see it right now.

What is that blade going to do? Make you feel better, yes. But for how long? You know that it wont just be a few. It will be loads, then once you have done it you will just feel like more. And as you have ruined your day count, there is no reason to stop you.

Right i think right now you need distractions. Move the blades and paracetamol out of sight. And do something to keep your hands busy.

Paracetamol overdose is a horrible way to die. It shuts down your organs slowly, and you will be in alot of pain. Its just not worth it.

Stay strong hun, you can make a week your strong. Keep thinking about getting to that 7 days and let that motivate you. Think how happy you will be to know you have acheived that week!

:heart:

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Fran, for taking the time to reply.

I did move the paracetemol I've hidden it from myself, out of sight out of mind and all that. I know I shouldn't but i still wish I'd taken it, I know you say I will cause pain, but I can't help but think the pain they experience will be better than all the pain I'll no doubt inflict upon them if I were to stay alive. I need to do it, I need to die not just for myself but the general well being of those who know me. They'd be so much better off if they didn't have my presence in their lives.

The blades were a different story I just could not keep up the control anymore so I caved, and yes you were right I didn't stop at a few, I figured now I'd started I may as well do the job properly. It did make me feel better for a while, almost 7 hours but now I feel shit again.

Again thanks for replying xxx

[Love.Hate]

Its my pleasure hun.
Really you dont need it, you just think you do.
One day you will look back and think.. "woah, i really really didnt need it"
But hey its okay to cave. Im glad you didnt take any paracetamol, and get that silly idea out of your head, people will not be better off with you dead!! I know the feeling of wishing you had taken them. But count yourself lucky you didnt. It would wreck your health. The pain wouldnt be better than what you feel now. You would feel worse, out of control. The pain is not going to go away unless you fight to get rid of it. Your so strong and one day you will feel so much better. Until that day comes, stay strong <3 xxx

[FullyAlive]

Thanks,
I don't know, I guess I kind of hope I dont live long enough to see a day when I realise I don't need to do it. I'd be waiting a long time anyway.
I didn't take the paracetemol but I still have it I need it there so I know I have a way out, I know you said it's painful, but I can't help but think it might be worth it so long as I'm dead at the end.
You say I'm strong but I'm not I'm weak, I'm just not good enough, and it just hurts to live, it takes up too much energy that I just haven't got.

[Fiction]

The reason you're telling us is because a small part of you knows you don't want to go.

Suicide isn't the answer. I'm not going to go over it again, but you know what happened to me and how much worse I felt after I did it. It's not worth it, I wish i'd never done it.

I know it's hard, hard not to give up but at the end of the day, giving up won't solve anything. You have so much to live for. There are so many people who care about you, me included. I've not been talking to you long but already I feel kinda close to you, and I need you here for out easter holiday plans so don't you be going anywhere! ;P

I'm always here for you Louise. Any time of the day or night, i'm here :)

[ackmedsgirl666]

please dom't consider suicide. as shitty as u may think ur life is suicide is never the answer..
you have us to talk to bcause i already see a few supporters posting in this thead. if we didnt care we wouldnt be reading this or posting on it...
just hang tight hun.... things will get better soon

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Kathy, I know what you said and honestly I know you're right, it's just sometimes it's hard to see. And thanks for caring about me , I'm trying my hardest and unfortunately (or fortunately depends how you see it) I'll most likely still be here by easter for our plan :P

And thanks Kenzie, I hope you're right and things do get better.

[Fiction]

Thanks Kathy, I know what you said and honestly I know you're right, it's just sometimes it's hard to see. And thanks for caring about me , I'm trying my hardest and unfortunately (or fortunately depends how you see it) I'll most likely still be here by easter for our plan :P

I know it can be hard, but you've just got to try and keep your head above water and see that things can get better. Trying your hardest is all that anyone can ask :)

Oh and.. fortunatly definatly!

[Love.Hate]

You say I'm strong but I'm not I'm weak, I'm just not good enough, and it just hurts to live, it takes up too much energy that I just haven't got.

If you were weak then how would you have the strength to post this? you are strong because you know that suicide isnt best. You didnt take those paracetamol.. doesnt that prove your strong?
I understand, really i do. But you are good enough and one day you will realise this. Everyone is good enough, whoever you are. You are not an exception to that rule.

Take care hun xx

[Dimitri]

You look like a very very intelligent young lady, one that has much to offer this world and I think that you have so much you can give. Please remember that even though we may be located far away from you, we, are right ehre for you and you should know that we are here for you to talk too at anytime you need one of us.
I want you to make something out of your life and only you can truely make yourself that. You will be great and maybe YOU will be helping someone in the same situation that you are finding yourself in right now. Stay strong, we all have faith in you, would be be writing this if we didn't?