Frustration (rant)

[Kaya]

Well I'm upset about Samuel, I feel worthless, I'm ugly, William's back in the hospital, Lizzy constantly yells at me, I'm behind on my school work, I'm losing sleep, my hallucinations are coming back, I had a nightmare last night...which means my nightmares are coming back too. Last time I had a nightmare it was of my sister's "rapist" blowing the heads off my family members. I'm so tired, I took a nap today, but that wasn't enough. I want to cut so badly, but I can't because if I do they'll send me back to the mental hospital. Which means I won't get a good job when I'm older because people will think I'm crazy. If I don't get the type of career I want then I won't be happy for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about God and Heaven and stuff too....I'm afraid I'm going to go to Hell. Then I'd never see Samuel again, or any other members of my family..and as much as they annoy me I wouldn't be able to deal with not having them. I've been trying to help out around the house and stuff as much as possible, but it's like...they only ask me to help around. They don't ever ask Lizzy. It's because she throws a fit and always yells at everything. and I miss Wesley, but if he comes near me he makes fun of me and sometimes hits/kicks me. He's trying to tell us that he has cancer..and I don't know if I should believe him or not. He went to the doctor yesterday and then comes here and says he has Cancer. I finally talked to my real dad and the most meaningful thing he had to say to me was "it's nice to talk to you." I said "hey dad it's Kayla" and after not seeing me for over 12 years, the only thing he could say to me was "yo." I'm afraid that one day William is going to die slowly and painfully just like Samuel did..and he'll be in the hospital for a year at a time and only grandpa and I will be at the house. Which would be lonely since he's at work all day then comes home and watches tv. I'm already lonely. My friends barely talk to me anymore. I miss the deep conversations that we used to have. How I could talk to them about anything. and I'm so tired of being everyone's statue. Like, they all tell me their problems, but they can't listen to mine? It still hurts me how my friend stopped talking to me because I "annoyed her." all I did was told her how much I wanted Samuel back. and how I have so many sunshine friends...They only wanna be my friend if I'm happy..but once I'm depressed then no one. and I try to help everyone else...it makes me feel good about myself, but it's becoming so overwhelming. and it gets me into trouble...like people start to hate me. I feel like everyone on here hates me and I don't know why I keep putting up with all of this stuff. My mind is running on high...but the rest of me is exhausted. My thoughts are jumping around. One after another...worry and worry. My anxiety is high. I'm back to having to watch everything I do. It's hard for me to take a shower cuz I'm too freakin paranoid. I haven't been eating as much as I usually am. and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few weeks and if I've lost weight he'll put me on more meds. and I can barely remember to take the ones I have now. I feel like I'm so done with everything, but I can't be because I have to be the adult that I'm not. I'm so frustrated with everything.




Update: William came home today :)