Dead

[deadpie]

That's how I feel and that's how I've felt for a long time, but in a way I feel like I'm more then dead. Like I'm really not even existent anymore.

Just tired of trying to live up to expectations and not having anyone think about what I might like for once. Sick of this shithole I wake up to everyday, shittier than the day before without an exit out.

I'm not just emotionally tired, but physically too. I barely had the motivation to move from the toilet to the computer to write this right now, that's how bad it is.

Nobody could ever understand how bad my rage is towards everything. You might think you could understand it, but I promise you you'll never get on my level of knowing what anger is.

I don't know. I'd really like to just fucking stay dead now instead of being a zombie. There's not really anything I've ever been good at in life. My art is fucking horrible and not a single person I've called wants it. I can't write because I can't finish anything I start, so that's out of question too. Music? I don't have money for any instruments nor do I think any of the type of 'music' i'd create would get anyone's attention and even if I did, there's no way I'd make a living off of it.

So I'm pretty much useless. I'm not anything. It's stupid hearing all these stories of people being raped for years or beaten the shit out of and they somehow make it out a millionaire or shit like that. Like I've been just kind of waiting for something to just happen and maybe I'd get my chance to become something special, but it's obviously not going to happen. Just fuck. Fuck.

I really wish I did have the motivation or inspiration to keep expecting this stupid ass miracle or whatever, but it's just not fucking happening.

So yes, this thread is me saying I'm very close to just fucking splitting my neck open in the middle of a bunch of people. I think I can go maybe another week of trying to keep looking, but after that I think I'm done and that's just fucking it.

VT this is a fucking cry out thread. Like I've never been this hopeless sense I was nine. I don't give a shit if you think I'm an asshole or great funny guy or whatever the fuck you think I am, I just need fucking advice. That's all. I'm desperate for something to keep me going. Been convinced i'm a strong person and all that shit but it sounds so fucking dumb now. My body is weak, tired, begging to just lay down and never get up while my brain is just telling me to stop looking and just fucking end it already.

I just fucking need something or someone or whatever. I don't know.

[Quick_Sylver]

You need a reason to believe that everything's going to okay, that the sun is suddenly going to come up out of nowhere and make you happy.

Miracles like that, we dont see they're miracles until later. And even then, we dont understand them. I know that you feel you're useless Tim, but you're not. How many people have you shown music too? How many actually started listening to the music because you talked to them? Thats not someone who's useless, that's someone who's spreading themselves, adding to their personal footprint. I get what its like to feel like there's no point to living, no reason to keep trying, where even revenge isnt enough to cure the anger.
And I know its one of the most horrible things to have eat away at you.

Some of your art, not gonna lie, is shocking to me. Some of it is jaw dropping amazing to me. Its not shitty, its that people dont understand how good it is.

Something few people genuinely understand is the desire to help people. You may not show it out there, or act like you care half the time but thats your problem. You care too much. THus, you distance yourself so you dont get hurt again. You've stopped me from suicide one night before Tim. You dont need to make the almost mistake I made. I know its all dark right now, but it truly is darkest before the dawn.

I dont know what you believe in. I dont know what you want in life. I dont know what you could be in life. But I do know, that whatever you WANT in life, if you truly WANT it, you'll get it.

So either keep trying or be a coward and quit. Its your choice. But make sure its YOUR choice, and not someone elses Tim. Live for you, not for others.

[Sugaree]

Tim, you aren't useless at all. I feel such an urge to slap you right now because you said that. Without you, I can't imagine myself being so musically diverse and discovering all the things I've missed. How is that useless? You gave someone something that you love and that they love in turn. Why do you see yourself as useless when you're able to do this to so many? You don't need instruments for music. Sharing music is something just as powerful as making it.

Art is something that comes from your own personal being. Just because no one wants it doesn't mean it's shitty. It only means that they can't see the personal being that is poured into it. No lie, your art is shocking, but that is the type of person you are. A shocking SOB who doesn't look back. But, at the same time, your art is something I admire so greatly because you were able to pour some part of your inner personal feelings into it all.

Though you don't act out as a caring or doting person, this is something that must be done. Tim, you are not alone here. Distancing yourself only furthers the problems and will cause more destruction. Please, if you need to talk, you should talk. Killing yourself won't solve a thing. The Tim I know isn't a coward. I know you as someone who's gone through so much in their life that there really is nothing that can shock your foundations.

Even if you do find this as a typical "you can get through" post in an attempt to stop a person in mental and physical anguish to not do anything drastic, I can't find it in myself to pass by a plea of help from someone who has inspired me so much. Don't you give up on yourself. Giving up on yourself doesn't solve a damn thing.