Aceso
March 1st, 2011, 12:19 PM
I knew this was going to happen at some point, it's been building up for so long. But I never thought it would hurt this much, and it has only just started.
This is what happened:
Mom: Do you think me and dad can make it through.
Me: Of course, mom. This is just a really bad patch, and its slowly starting to get better. (I'm thinking lie,lie,lie,lie.) We just aren't noticing it yet.
I give more reassurance and things, then
Mom: I will try and make things work, but he has to change.
I just gave more reassurance. But oh god, it's not much of dad. Mom has to change to, but if I tell her this she will get so mad.
So much is on the line, and its because of me. Don't tell me it's not, all my mom's stress, depression, its because of me, because of my poor diabetic control.
My life is slowly ending, so why am I still alive?
There are a bunch of cuts on my hip now, deep enough to see tissue. And I can still feel this pain, this huge knot in my stomach. If they divorce that's it, I'm so scared of what will happen.
My dad brings in the money -- He has a good, safe job, a good wage. But mom, she would have to go back to teaching full time and with her stress levels already stretched to the max I don't think she could take it.
She's already tried to commit suicide once, god knows what will happen if she has to go through the stress of divorce, and then afterwards, living alone, what then? I couldn't take it. I'm so scared, so much is on the line, maybe her life.
And then there is my brother. I can already see signs of depression sinking in. He's 9, for gods sake, I couldn't take watching my little brother slowly sink down to following the road I took. He doesn't have a clue about this yet, either.
Then there are my horses. One of my last threads of hope. One of my only reasons to continue living. I need them as much as I need my family. Yeah, my dad has a decent wage but I don't know if he would take them. If he did, he only just knows how to look after them, let alone take them on full time. These horses are difficult ones as well, one of them has behavioural issues so there is no way we can sell them. They would have to go to a rescue centre or be put down, the latter more likely.
My last links to normality are slowly fading. I can feel another part of my dying. God knows what's to become of this. But I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this. I'm sick of hiding so many emotions, it's physically hurting me.
It's going to take so much for me to not take something from the medicine cabinet tonight. I know at some point though I'm going to have to make the choice or not. I can feel it.
This is what happened:
Mom: Do you think me and dad can make it through.
Me: Of course, mom. This is just a really bad patch, and its slowly starting to get better. (I'm thinking lie,lie,lie,lie.) We just aren't noticing it yet.
I give more reassurance and things, then
Mom: I will try and make things work, but he has to change.
I just gave more reassurance. But oh god, it's not much of dad. Mom has to change to, but if I tell her this she will get so mad.
So much is on the line, and its because of me. Don't tell me it's not, all my mom's stress, depression, its because of me, because of my poor diabetic control.
My life is slowly ending, so why am I still alive?
There are a bunch of cuts on my hip now, deep enough to see tissue. And I can still feel this pain, this huge knot in my stomach. If they divorce that's it, I'm so scared of what will happen.
My dad brings in the money -- He has a good, safe job, a good wage. But mom, she would have to go back to teaching full time and with her stress levels already stretched to the max I don't think she could take it.
She's already tried to commit suicide once, god knows what will happen if she has to go through the stress of divorce, and then afterwards, living alone, what then? I couldn't take it. I'm so scared, so much is on the line, maybe her life.
And then there is my brother. I can already see signs of depression sinking in. He's 9, for gods sake, I couldn't take watching my little brother slowly sink down to following the road I took. He doesn't have a clue about this yet, either.
Then there are my horses. One of my last threads of hope. One of my only reasons to continue living. I need them as much as I need my family. Yeah, my dad has a decent wage but I don't know if he would take them. If he did, he only just knows how to look after them, let alone take them on full time. These horses are difficult ones as well, one of them has behavioural issues so there is no way we can sell them. They would have to go to a rescue centre or be put down, the latter more likely.
My last links to normality are slowly fading. I can feel another part of my dying. God knows what's to become of this. But I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this. I'm sick of hiding so many emotions, it's physically hurting me.
It's going to take so much for me to not take something from the medicine cabinet tonight. I know at some point though I'm going to have to make the choice or not. I can feel it.