The Joker
February 27th, 2011, 10:20 PM
I just wanted to watch the game.
Well, this weekend has been utter shit for a variety of reasons. Friday, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go to stay in bed like a loser and not go to school. I was scared to find out if I had gotten a good role in the play or not, and I didn't want to go to school and see all the people who are better than me. My dad always gets very, very angry at me whenever I just want to relax and stay home. All I get all day is, "Why are you doing this to me?". I'm punishing him, I'm hurting him when all I want to do is rest. He sees me as a report card, an attendance sheet, a diagnosis of whatever, a chess piece. I am not a human, I am not his son. He loves me, but what am I? I'm not Matt. I'm an F. A failure.
He then decides to take me for my blood test because he was mad at me for it. I was playing a video game, and he decides to tell me, "Matt, get ready.". I had no idea whatsoever of what he was talking about. I asked him to elaborate several times, and he finally told me it was for my blood test. I hate blood tests, I hate needles. I couldn't just do it like that. He always hides medical appointments on me, planning them and secretly pulling out things I didn't think he was going to mention once he has me there. He just tries to fucking trick me into everything.
So, I was quite mad at him, because I have the fear of needles and he was punishing me simply because I stayed home. I just wanted to relax, I felt like shit, I felt ugly and stupid. This got him really mad at me because obviously it's not his fault that he tried to trick me into it. I went to my moms the next day.
She took me to the blood test area. It didn't hurt at all, not one bit, but I still passed out. I can't take a needle in the arm. I pass out every time. I started reading a book, about 90 pages, the most I've read for a long time. I'm such a failure. I used to read books all the time, all day. Now I'm a fucking failure who can't do anything.
Later that night, I had just found out about this hot tub party's address. I had wanted to go for a while, but hadn't told my parents about it because I didn't know the address. I went to that, it was fun while it lasted, but I found out that I accidentally stayed later than I thought I had, and my mom was worried because she hadn't been able to contact me and I forgot to phone her. So when I phone her, she was already on the way. Not much longer, I was with them. Her boyfriend was acting kind of cocky, so I jokingly said I was better than him, and he kept it going. I was pushing my knees into his back (from the car chair) because he kept saying stupid things about me. OK, whatever. We get home and he stays outside for a little bit. I turn on the TV, to watch the hockey game that I was planning to watch for a while. No one else wanted the TV, if they did I would've let them have it.
He walks in, sees I'm on the computer and watching the game, and he says something. He turns off the lights, which was odd, but I didn't care that much, whatever. Then, without notice, he took the remote. He just snatched it out of my hands. He still wanted to watch the game. I wanted the remote because I wanted to be able to fast forward through commercials, and replay shit. I was pissed off, because he didn't even want to use the TV whatsoever, he was just doing it to irritate me, so I shut off the TV.
This is where it gets good. He starts to call me names, a pussy, a bitch, a self centered brat. A loser. I start hitting him, he takes the remote and stuffs it into his pocket. He goes outside, calling me names, grabbing my arm and shit like that. I throw snow in his face for calling me all those shitty fucking names and he was about to hit me, but I ran away. He kept calling me a bitch...a pussy....a loser. A FUCKING LOSER. I'm a fucking loser. A self centered brat, because I was using the computer and watching the game. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO WATCH THE TV, or use the fucking computer. He was drunk and mad at me for no fucking reasons, physically harrassing me and shit. My mom sees us, and he's about to drive away with the remote. I was about to go outside with a knife to scare him. He can't fucking call me names. My mom gets all distressed and shit.
She calls him to tell him he's kicked out. He talks in his fucking charming, drunk, I'm better than you misogynistic fucking voice and acts like nothing just happened, that fucking cuntwad.
I am a pussy. I didn't take his fucking punches. I wish he would just fucking punch me, I'm depressed over nothing. I am a loser. I know the shit in school yet I'm doing so fucking bad for no reason. I am a self centered brat. I should fucking kill myself and kill everyone because I'm so fucking ugly. I'm ugly, stupid, and no one wants me. No matter where I stay and live, at least one person in the house fucking hates me and doesn't want me to relax or be a fucking kid. FUCK. I want to be 8. I want to be a fucking toddler. I wish he would've just punched my face in until it's small enough to be a child.
fuck this shit. fuck me. fuck me. I'm such a fucking dickless cunt faggot who should kill himself right now. I feel like shit everyday and think everyone hates me, even if they're my friend. I can't help anyone. I try to help people and I probably just make their problem seem shittier or do nothing about it. Fuck me. I'm never going to go anywhere in life. No where. NO WHERE AT ALL.
Well, this weekend has been utter shit for a variety of reasons. Friday, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go to stay in bed like a loser and not go to school. I was scared to find out if I had gotten a good role in the play or not, and I didn't want to go to school and see all the people who are better than me. My dad always gets very, very angry at me whenever I just want to relax and stay home. All I get all day is, "Why are you doing this to me?". I'm punishing him, I'm hurting him when all I want to do is rest. He sees me as a report card, an attendance sheet, a diagnosis of whatever, a chess piece. I am not a human, I am not his son. He loves me, but what am I? I'm not Matt. I'm an F. A failure.
He then decides to take me for my blood test because he was mad at me for it. I was playing a video game, and he decides to tell me, "Matt, get ready.". I had no idea whatsoever of what he was talking about. I asked him to elaborate several times, and he finally told me it was for my blood test. I hate blood tests, I hate needles. I couldn't just do it like that. He always hides medical appointments on me, planning them and secretly pulling out things I didn't think he was going to mention once he has me there. He just tries to fucking trick me into everything.
So, I was quite mad at him, because I have the fear of needles and he was punishing me simply because I stayed home. I just wanted to relax, I felt like shit, I felt ugly and stupid. This got him really mad at me because obviously it's not his fault that he tried to trick me into it. I went to my moms the next day.
She took me to the blood test area. It didn't hurt at all, not one bit, but I still passed out. I can't take a needle in the arm. I pass out every time. I started reading a book, about 90 pages, the most I've read for a long time. I'm such a failure. I used to read books all the time, all day. Now I'm a fucking failure who can't do anything.
Later that night, I had just found out about this hot tub party's address. I had wanted to go for a while, but hadn't told my parents about it because I didn't know the address. I went to that, it was fun while it lasted, but I found out that I accidentally stayed later than I thought I had, and my mom was worried because she hadn't been able to contact me and I forgot to phone her. So when I phone her, she was already on the way. Not much longer, I was with them. Her boyfriend was acting kind of cocky, so I jokingly said I was better than him, and he kept it going. I was pushing my knees into his back (from the car chair) because he kept saying stupid things about me. OK, whatever. We get home and he stays outside for a little bit. I turn on the TV, to watch the hockey game that I was planning to watch for a while. No one else wanted the TV, if they did I would've let them have it.
He walks in, sees I'm on the computer and watching the game, and he says something. He turns off the lights, which was odd, but I didn't care that much, whatever. Then, without notice, he took the remote. He just snatched it out of my hands. He still wanted to watch the game. I wanted the remote because I wanted to be able to fast forward through commercials, and replay shit. I was pissed off, because he didn't even want to use the TV whatsoever, he was just doing it to irritate me, so I shut off the TV.
This is where it gets good. He starts to call me names, a pussy, a bitch, a self centered brat. A loser. I start hitting him, he takes the remote and stuffs it into his pocket. He goes outside, calling me names, grabbing my arm and shit like that. I throw snow in his face for calling me all those shitty fucking names and he was about to hit me, but I ran away. He kept calling me a bitch...a pussy....a loser. A FUCKING LOSER. I'm a fucking loser. A self centered brat, because I was using the computer and watching the game. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO WATCH THE TV, or use the fucking computer. He was drunk and mad at me for no fucking reasons, physically harrassing me and shit. My mom sees us, and he's about to drive away with the remote. I was about to go outside with a knife to scare him. He can't fucking call me names. My mom gets all distressed and shit.
She calls him to tell him he's kicked out. He talks in his fucking charming, drunk, I'm better than you misogynistic fucking voice and acts like nothing just happened, that fucking cuntwad.
I am a pussy. I didn't take his fucking punches. I wish he would just fucking punch me, I'm depressed over nothing. I am a loser. I know the shit in school yet I'm doing so fucking bad for no reason. I am a self centered brat. I should fucking kill myself and kill everyone because I'm so fucking ugly. I'm ugly, stupid, and no one wants me. No matter where I stay and live, at least one person in the house fucking hates me and doesn't want me to relax or be a fucking kid. FUCK. I want to be 8. I want to be a fucking toddler. I wish he would've just punched my face in until it's small enough to be a child.
fuck this shit. fuck me. fuck me. I'm such a fucking dickless cunt faggot who should kill himself right now. I feel like shit everyday and think everyone hates me, even if they're my friend. I can't help anyone. I try to help people and I probably just make their problem seem shittier or do nothing about it. Fuck me. I'm never going to go anywhere in life. No where. NO WHERE AT ALL.