songs i have wrote

[JoshS]

hey here is all the songs i have wrote in the last couple months, C&C please and thanks. i am 14 and play mostly Metal / Metal core,

punishment.

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



Fire raining from the sky

my mind dissolving

Whats going on?

whats happening?



This worlds done

Ever Changed

Folding in

Burning up



You idiots!

You did this!

Its your fault!

Now you will be punished!



Fire raining from the sky

My mind dissolving

Whats going on

whats happening



You Fools!

What have you done?

You will be punished

The ground dissolving beneath you



Fall to your death!

This is a symbol

this is your punishment

Fall into the flames



This worlds done

Ever Changed

Folding in

Burning up



The water steaming

Heating up

Burning for eternity

This is your punishment



You idiots!

You did this!

What now?

Whatr you gonna do?



Your death awaits you !


Betrayal

Your hero of so long
the inspiration of so many
how could you?
your betrayal caused so many pain

How could you do this?
how could you pull the trigger?
the smoking barrel in hand
how could you kill him?

your hero of so long
the inspiration of so many
A bullet in the back
your the cause

your the reason
your betrayal
your the reason
you pulled the trigger

the gun in hand
the smoking barrel
a bullet in the back
the legend of a generation

The smoking gun in hand
the hero of so many
shot in the back
your betrayal



knockout

your blood on the ground
your head on the floor
your reputation done
your gonna regret this

Your gone
no where to be seen
one of us i out
who will it be?

stepping out
preparing for the brawl
your time has come
your knocked out

everyone gathering around
placing there bets
its happening here and now
who's it going to be

who is it
who will step up
your last chance
your going down

one of us is done
one of us is gone
our reputation is finished
it happens here

Reasons Unknown

Your body laying cold
misunderstood personality
gone to reasons unknown
this must be a trick

the beat of your music
the greatest of your kind
the inspiration of us all
the musician of life

your energy shown
power in your beats
walking the streets
judged by your looks

misunderstood
this must be a trick
loved by so many
gone to reasons unknown

the inspiration of us all
the beat of life
your energy shown to all
walking the streets

judged by your looks
misunderstood
loved by so many
gone to reasons unknown

War

family's left behind
troops out fighting
so you can live free
risking there life

the fight for your rights
they are risking there life
so you can have yours
this is a war for freedom

soldiers dieing
leaving there family's
your rights protected
because they risk there life

gun shots ringing
bullets flying
risking there life
for your right to live

war raging
people dieing
blame them
greedy ********

Sending your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers
to fight for greed
to fight for your rights
they risk there life

fighting in all directions never knowing
whats around every corner
loved one's not knowing
if they are coming back

family's left for months
to risk there life
in a war for greed
in a war for freedom

Loner

Always Quiet
hiding in the shadows
always out to the side
never in the crowd

today is his day
to show himself
to stop being a loner
no one sees him there

never notices him
hes different
hes quiet
today is his day

to prove himself
to not be a loner
always quiet
always hiding in the shadows

never seen
never heard
today is his day
to prove himself

to show who he is
to show what he can do
he will be heard
people will see him

he will no longer be a
loner

Nightmare

Hidden in your mind
your fears everywhere
battling to take over
This is a nightmare

Ready to take over your thoughts
hidden in your mind
your greatest fears
fighting against you

demons of your mind
confronting you
always there
showing themselves in your sleep

Hidden
waiting for you to sleep
plotting there attack
preparing to take over

confront them
show them you aren't afraid
prove can conquer them
END THIS!

hidden in your mind
your fears everywhere
battling to take over
this is your nightmare

Hidden
waiting for you to sleep
plotting there attack
preparing to take over

Be prepared
attack back
destroy them
end this

END this ******* nightmare!!

[JoshS]

Come on, id like some C&C please....

[Donkey]

Looks like you've taken a read from Disturbed's music but have shortened every line for some reason... can't say I'm too keen as the lyrics don't seem to hold any depth or meaning, just random shouting.

[JoshS]

Looks like you've taken a read from Disturbed's music but have shortened every line for some reason... can't say I'm too keen as the lyrics don't seem to hold any depth or meaning, just random shouting.

if thats what you want to think so be it, but a) theres no random shouting they all have meaning to me thats why i haven't written very many... b)none of my influence to any of these is off disturbed while they are a good band there not one of my influences.

[Triceratops]

What bands actually influence you?

[Donkey]

You asked for feedback, don't be angry when you get it :)

[JoshS]

What bands actually influence you?
Bullet for my valentine, Three days grace did i think one or two of them, Pantera, Asking Alexandria, Tool, A7X a little bit, Lamb of God thats most of them but not all influence my lyrics.
You asked for feedback, don't be angry when you get it :)

oh im not angry, didn't meant to come across that way if thats how it sounded. like i said if thats what you think its fine.

[YesterdaysNews]

First of all, I believe it should be written*

And your lyrics kinda remind me of Escape the Fate? A little. I don't really know how to comment. I'm not a fan? But don't stop writing if it's your vent

[JoshS]

First of all, I believe it should be written*

And your lyrics kinda remind me of Escape the Fate? A little. I don't really know how to comment. I'm not a fan? But don't stop writing if it's your vent

they are another kind of influence yes, and its one of my multiple vent methods. i was mostly inspired to write music after someone elses music saved my life.

[deadpie]

END this ******* nightmare!!

Pretty much how I feel after reading these poems. Not to be an ass, but this sounds like a mixture of Linkin Park and Slipknot lyric's balled up in one thing. Which means it's not good.

Uh, well. Damn. I'm sorry.

[JoshS]

Pretty much how I feel after reading these poems. Not to be an ass, but this sounds like a mixture of Linkin Park and Slipknot lyric's balled up in one thing. Which means it's not good.

Uh, well. Damn. I'm sorry.

ok if you want to say its bad then give me a damn reason dont say its bad or else your response is useless thats the only thing pissing me off so far is people just says it bad how about tell me a something to make it better.

and no im not mad just dont says its bad without giving a damn reason.

[Cosmic]

ok if you want to say its bad then give me a damn reason dont say its bad or else your response is useless thats the only thing pissing me off so far is people just says it bad how about tell me a something to make it better.

Sometimes people just simply don't know how to make it better... and sometimes we need to work it out for ourselves from the negative things people say. It's tough receiving criticism like you have done here, and some of it has been rather unnecessarily phrased... but try and see what they are saying (particularly note referenced bands... so check them out and see what their lyrics are like, read reviews on their writings and so on), and then perhaps ask some follow up questions to try and pry more information out of people.

It's a strategy I employ when receiving feedback on my work; pry out the information from otherwise limited responses using questions and exploring any references they make.

It's tough getting feedback, and I know how you're feeling - but replying in anger will probably not get you the response you want.

I personally don't want to offer too much feedback on this work; it's not my field of music, and my own personal tastes in music differ quite dramatically so naturally, I'm not going to find much connection with what you've written. What I might suggest though is you seek different ways to express the same ideas. Death, destruction, redemption and all these concepts are ones that are regularly covered; and it's your job as a writer to consider new ways of phrasing such concepts. That said, song lyrics, although really important (in my opinion), are only a part of the picture; and it's important to recognise, from our point of view (as the readers), that these perhaps cliché and relatively simple phrasings can be made more innovative and "fresh" by decent accompaniment.

[deadpie]

ok if you want to say its bad then give me a damn reason dont say its bad or else your response is useless thats the only thing pissing me off so far is people just says it bad how about tell me a something to make it better.

and no im not mad just dont says its bad without giving a damn reason.

I did. I said it sounds like Linkin Park and Slipknot lyrics put together. That's pretty bad.

You want to make better writings? Start finding better influences. Start reading more from famous poets like Sylvia Plath, James Thomson, Dorothy Parker, etc... Notice how other writers use more detail and emotion. I mean, this stuff you've written might be deep and important to you, but it might not be to anyone else. After you read allot from other poets you'll start adapting better writing skills.

There you go. Come back to me in a year with a perfect poem.

[JoshS]

Sometimes people just simply don't know how to make it better... and sometimes we need to work it out for ourselves from the negative things people say. It's tough receiving criticism like you have done here, and some of it has been rather unnecessarily phrased... but try and see what he's saying (particularly note he referenced some bands... so check them out and see what their lyrics are like, read reviews on their writings and so on), and then perhaps ask some follow up questions to try and pry more information out of people.

It's a strategy I employ when receiving feedback on my work; pry out the information from otherwise limited responses using questions and exploring any references they make.

It's tough getting feedback, and I know how you're feeling - but replying in anger will probably not get you the response you want.

I personally don't want to offer too much feedback on this work; it's not my field of music, and my own personal tastes in music differ quite dramatically so naturally, I'm not going to find much connection with what you've written. What I might suggest though is you seek different ways to express the same ideas. Death, destruction, redemption and all these concepts are ones that are regularly covered; and it's your job as a writer to consider new ways of phrasing such concepts. That said, song lyrics, although really important (in my opinion), are only a part of the picture; and it's important to recognise, from our point of view (as the readers), that these perhaps cliché and relatively simple phrasings can be made more innovative and "fresh" by decent accompaniment.
See, now you know what your talking about. and i know but i was just telling them if they want to say its bad thats all fine and dandy but they need to give me some reasons, and like you most of them probably don't listen to this kind of music. I do understand what your saying, and the instrumental is still being written up for most of them. and 2 of these are actually going to be slower, softer songs because they are of people of great importance to me dieing, and trust me iv had worst criticizem then these guys have said so far, but iv also had people they say that the songs are really good especially considering im 14.
I did. I said it sounds like Linkin Park and Slipknot lyrics put together. That's pretty bad.

You want to make better writings? Start finding better influences. Start reading more from famous poets like Sylvia Plath, James Thomson, Dorothy Parker, etc... Notice how other writers use more detail and emotion. I mean, this stuff you've written might be deep and important to you, but it might not be to anyone else. After you read allot from other poets you'll start adapting better writing skills.

There you go. Come back to me in a year with a perfect poem.
you gave me people it sounds like that doesnt say much, while im not a big fan of linkin park other then chester Bennington himself is a beast. i do like Slipknot R.I.P Paul Gray. and there is no such thing as "Perfect" and you nor anyone else can claim that you have written a perfect poem.

[Cosmic]

You want to make better writings? Start finding better influences. Start reading more from famous poets like Sylvia Plath, James Thomson, Dorothy Parker, etc... Notice how other writers use more detail and emotion.

I don't think that's particularly fair; one's own influences are dependent on internal processes and subjective ideas; you are in no position to suggest that the poets you've listed are far better than the inspirations that Josh draws from.

[Cosmic]

See, now you know what your talking about. and i know but i was just telling them if they want to say its bad thats all fine and dandy but they need to give me some reasons, and like you most of them probably don't listen to this kind of music. I do understand what your saying, and the instrumental is still being written up for most of them. and 2 of these are actually going to be slower, softer songs because they are of people of great importance to me dieing, and trust me iv had worst criticizem then these guys have said so far, but iv also had people they say that the songs are really good especially considering im 14.

Part of the issue is that you are spending a lot of your time in school and so forth being told what to think, what to write, to know, to say and so on, and particularly at your age, that's an inescapable process that the schooling systems have decided works best. What I imagine this means is that it makes it particularly difficult to be relatively original, because really, you're taught to acknowledge and recite information from other people, rather than process your own ideas. Make sense?

So, given your age, yes, these are relatively good; if only because you're making an attempt to be creative and express your inner processes - and that should be commended.

[deadpie]

I don't think that's particularly fair; one's own influences are dependent on internal processes and subjective ideas; you are in no position to suggest that the poets you've listed are far better than the inspirations that Josh draws from.

Who cares? You're saying that he should only be influenced by things he knows about? I'm giving him just a few good writers as examples which could help give different ideas and influences to his writing.

You can't be influenced much by staring at a wall or not looking at anything else that's out there in the world.

And how am I in no position? Like as if I'm not aloud to give advice because you're still angry at me? Get over it. And those poets I suggested ARE better. Sure, that might be an opinion, but that opinion weighs allot better then the idea that those aren't. Like you can't compare Linkin Park being better than Sylvia Plath. Quite frankly, that's just fucking stupid.


Dammit. You people always make me have to rephrase my words because you would think a plastic fruit toy looks real. By a perfect poem I meant something that would really impress me. Of course, now you or Cosmic, because he loves me so very much, is going to say, "Hurr nobody needs to impress you you're not important."




So, given your age, yes, these are relatively good; if only because you're making an attempt to be creative and express your inner processes - and that should be commended.

I've seen better poetry from thirteen year olds here on VT. Age proves nothing.

[Cosmic]

Who cares? You're saying that he should only be influenced by things he knows about? I'm giving him just a few good writers as examples which could help give different ideas and influences to his writing.

You can't be influenced much by staring at a wall or not looking at anything else that's out there in the world.

And how am I in no position? Like as if I'm not aloud to give advice because you're still angry at me? Get over it. And those poets I suggested ARE better. Sure, that might be an opinion, but that opinion weighs allot better then the idea that those aren't. Like you can't compare Linkin Park being better than Sylvia Plath. Quite frankly, that's just fucking stupid.


Dammit. You people always make me have to rephrase my words because you would think a plastic fruit toy looks real. By a perfect poem I meant something that would really impress me. Of course, now you or Cosmic, because he loves me so very much, is going to say, "Hurr nobody needs to impress you you're not important."


I've seen better poetry from thirteen year olds here on VT. Age proves nothing.

I don't want you to think my disagreeing with you is in anyway personal; it's not. I simply disagree that you can suggest one person is better than another, or that talent is relative. Talent is individual and independent, so impossible to really compare substantively (certainly in terms of artistry).

I consider your opinion as important as my own and as anyone else's - I just feel that advising someone into metal and typically "aggressive" music types to read the poets you mentioned is somewhat misguided, if only because that's not the vibe I feel Josh is going for here. Just as you are welcomed to critique Josh' work, so too should your responses be open to that same critique.

[Triceratops]

The thing is with metalcore, in my opinion, is that it's either done really well or it sucks majorly beyond belief - rarely any inbetweens. You haven't selected any good influences and your poems sound like something an angry 12 year old emo would write. Painfully generic and all.