Why do i WANT to cut myself?

[cooper-cutter]

The last time I cut was four nights ago.
Before then I hadn't cut for ages.

Second last time I cut was two years ago, when I lived alone in residential housing on campus at university. My family is close and I found being away from everyone horrible - plus I didn't fit in there, not at all.

I promised my girl friend after that time I would never do it again, times I had thought about it but I never could bring myself to do it, because for some reason, promising someone I loved that I wouldn't seemed like a promise I needed to keep.

Then I just snapped - if thats the word you could use.
All day I was thinking about it, what I could use, where I could find something sharp enough, if we had detol (we didn't)

The my girl friend was away at work, she was running late and we had had a fight the night before, about something stupid I had hid from her. I felt terrible. I felt like I needed her to know that I hated myself for this little something, now its nothing but that day for some reason it was the worst thing in the world.

i couldn't think straight, I searched for a Stanley knife, I found a blunt one, cut a few lines on my upper arm. Then I used every single kitchen knife, they were also all blunt, the serrated one fucked up my arm a fair bit. Then finally I found a paint scraper, with a new razor blade as its scraper, I cut a huge line across the whole back of my left hand. then all up my arm and about 30 - 35 cuts all up my thigh.

I listened to a song as I did it, and sang along.
I couldn't cry. It hurt but I couldn't cry.
I didn't feel bad for doing it, it felt like it was normal.
When my girl friend got home she was so sweet, brought me dinner and I couldn't bare for her to find out - but she did, saw all the blood on the sheets and freaked out. Told me I was going to have to see someone.

But you see, I didn't want to kill myself.
I just wanted to do it, wanted her to know that I was punishing myself.
She said she didn't want me to, that she didn't even care anymore, it was silly.
But I still think it was a good thing to do.

I don't want to cut, but then again... I do.
Does anyone understand what I mean?

I'm so confused,
I enjoy my life, I have a nice family, a beautiful girlfriend.
Nice house, travel a lot, have a lot of respect from my peers and friends.
But I want to cut.
Why?

Why do I want to do this to myself?
I don't want to seek help, or see someone because I'm not crazy.
I'm too busy to be crazy or mental.

I guess I'm coming on here to talk to people, who are in the same boat.
I need some strength.

XO

[oopsy's]

maybe because you knew you upset her you felt bad about it and wanted to cause pain to yourself because you emotionally caused her pain?
but i know what you meen when you say you dont want help cos i hate it when people ask me questions about why ive got a red barcode up my arm !! but talk to her maybe and tell her you did it because you felt bad about why you kept that from her and go through the whole trust thing ??? :)

[Charleigh]

Hey hun.

I understand what your going through, and I know it is tough. You want to self harm, because you have used that previously as your coping mechanism, and you now start to rely on self harming to get you through shit times. Now is your chance to find a new way of coping, and to abanbon the self harming.

You love your girlfriend right? So, why dont you ring her when you feel like your not coping very well and you need some support to get you through. Promising someone you wont cut again, isnt the right way of going, because if you do self harm for whatever reason, your then going to feel guilty, and many other feelings.

Im always here if you ever need to talk and I hope I helped.
Just message me if you ever need anything.
:hug:

[Fiction]

I totally understand. Cutting is an addiction, that can be hard to give up even after the things causing you to cut are out of your life.

Maybe you should do as your girlfriend suggested and get help? It may help you to realise what's causing you to cut, and in turn, stop.

[Mike321]

Cutting, like any other addiction is a really hard thing to stop even after several years of not doing it.
You need to find another way of coping with the stress your under and the problems you have.
Maybe you could talk to your girlfriend about it or another close friend.
Or if you think that its going to become a big problem take your girlfriends advice and get some help, the sooner you get help the soon it is you can work towards stopping
Hope this helps