RaineBow
February 23rd, 2011, 01:46 AM
My friends and I all have different relationships. Out of my school friends, there are two that I would say I'm the closes to. I can't really describe my relationship with them, but I guess it's like splitting a best friend in half. One friend I talk to about secrets, like who I like, or who I used to like, who's making me feel awful, clothes, girly stuff, etc. (she's basically my twin sister in a sense that she understands where I'm coming from) . My other friend I talk to about the more....inappropriate stuff. Like we make little comments, gossip, talk about what we want to accomplish at teenagers (like one day sneaking out) , but I can't really trust her with certain secrets, because she has the need to yell it to the world, but I still love her as a friend. But, her history is a similar to mine in a way, and we can both relate to one another about issues with one of our parents, and I can trust her to keep secrets about my past (she's also like my twin sister). I have another friend who I hang out with, but I wouldn't exactly say I'm close to her, but she's nice. Sake with another girl. Sometimes, it feels as though they're playing a tug-o-war game with me (hope that doesn't sound arrogant) like, they'll get into arguments about things involving me, and today actually two of my friends (the one who shares a somewhat similar past with me, and the one I would say I'm not the closest to) were literally tugging on my arm at the same time. They were talking about me like I wasn't even there, and eventually I just yelled out 'I'm right here you know!'
Other times, it feels as though they're my enemies. Like, its part of our daily routine I guess, and all friends pick on one another but it'll get too far. I know that I get too far a lot, most of the times I'll profusely apologize about it, until the person tells me to shut up. I told them about my siblings never being born (at that point I didn't tell them that my mother got an abortion) and one of them made a comment like 'awww, why couldn't it have been you?' I know she was joking, but it still hurt me a lot, because before I was born, a lot of people wanted my mom to get rid of me , but she refused (even though I have issues with her, I'll always love her for keeping me). So, my friends comment sort of hit me hard, I just acted as though it didn't bother me. Sometimes, they'll make jokes about me being heavy, which just makes me feel great about my self, and they'll make jokes about imagining me falling off of 50 story buildings and how it would be funny (they also have said one about the first friend I mentioned) (Oh, this paragraph doesn't include the first friend I mentioned, in fact i think they pick on her too) they'll say i'll die a lonely cat lady, because nobody will love me (seriously, that one made me almost breakdown at school, because i really have a fear about dying alone). It feels as though the world is against me at times, that I don't have anyone to turn to. Yeah, inhale my first friend, and as much as I love her, she wouldn't get some of my problems. Sometimes, I'll be on the verge of tears when I get home that I'll feel conflicted about killing my self, because I would feel like that no one would care if I died anyway, I mean a lot of people wanted me dead even before I was born. Luckily though, I snapped out of that mood before it got to far. But, I started to cut again after a month of stopping. And i was even considering not eating for a few days, it didn't work out because something in my mind said 'screw it, I'm hungry'
Sorry, just had to rant, I didn't feel like cutting tonight, and I wanted to see what it was like to write down my emotions instead of self inflicting pain...... So far, it isn't working.....
Other times, it feels as though they're my enemies. Like, its part of our daily routine I guess, and all friends pick on one another but it'll get too far. I know that I get too far a lot, most of the times I'll profusely apologize about it, until the person tells me to shut up. I told them about my siblings never being born (at that point I didn't tell them that my mother got an abortion) and one of them made a comment like 'awww, why couldn't it have been you?' I know she was joking, but it still hurt me a lot, because before I was born, a lot of people wanted my mom to get rid of me , but she refused (even though I have issues with her, I'll always love her for keeping me). So, my friends comment sort of hit me hard, I just acted as though it didn't bother me. Sometimes, they'll make jokes about me being heavy, which just makes me feel great about my self, and they'll make jokes about imagining me falling off of 50 story buildings and how it would be funny (they also have said one about the first friend I mentioned) (Oh, this paragraph doesn't include the first friend I mentioned, in fact i think they pick on her too) they'll say i'll die a lonely cat lady, because nobody will love me (seriously, that one made me almost breakdown at school, because i really have a fear about dying alone). It feels as though the world is against me at times, that I don't have anyone to turn to. Yeah, inhale my first friend, and as much as I love her, she wouldn't get some of my problems. Sometimes, I'll be on the verge of tears when I get home that I'll feel conflicted about killing my self, because I would feel like that no one would care if I died anyway, I mean a lot of people wanted me dead even before I was born. Luckily though, I snapped out of that mood before it got to far. But, I started to cut again after a month of stopping. And i was even considering not eating for a few days, it didn't work out because something in my mind said 'screw it, I'm hungry'
Sorry, just had to rant, I didn't feel like cutting tonight, and I wanted to see what it was like to write down my emotions instead of self inflicting pain...... So far, it isn't working.....