Indecision will kill us all.

[1_21Guns]

Backwards and forwards, again and again.
Do I don't I, should I shouldn't I.
Help or no help. Win or lose.
Tell her, do it alone.
I don't even know.

For around a week now, I've pondered telling my mum that I need to go to the doctors, because I need help.
I broke down and shoved her a week ago ish, for no real reason, and after that it kind of hit me that I can't carry on like this for much longer. I could've hurt her, I didn't even know what I was doing. What kind of person does that?
I may not be cutting, but I'm undeniably getting worse in other respects. I'm being consumed by my own mind and nothing seems to be stopping it.
I managed to spill some of it out to a friend, happened aswell I listened to them when they told me to go and say sorry to her, instead of leaving it until morning. I sat there curled up in my mothers arms just crying for half an hour. In all honesty I'm tearing up again now thinking about it.
She never questioned it, I've been quick to blame my outbursts on stress and my period, which she seems to believe, however she just kept saying "what're we going to do with you eyy, lock you up forever and ever? lock you up until you're 60?" so, I guess she kinda knows I'm, in her eyes atleast, crazy.
So much shit just flies around my head these days, I've never even mentioned the half of it on here, and I don't think I could. But when I came back from the crying, I cried more and realised I need help. I just don't think I can face telling my mum I need to go to the doctors, or face saying it to a doctor. I can't face how sick I am, how sick I've made myself. In all honesty, I simply can't face myself.

[Fiction]

I know the thought of telling your parents this stuff is difficult, but really it's so much better to tell them now than it is to let them find out in other ways. Honestly I know I, and my parents, wish i'd just told them about everything before hand, instead of landing myself in hospital and that being the first they knew.

I'm dreading the thought of talking to a councellor about my problems too, but if it's going to help i'll have to do it.

Basically what i'm saying is, now you've acknowledged that you need help, act on it, because you may not have the choice of how your mum finds out later.

[1_21Guns]

Thanks Kathy, I know you're right, I just know however she finds out she won't take it lightly. I've heard her go on about self harmers and depressed people, she's one of those it's not a medical condition and self harmers should be locked up people. I guess that makes it even harder, everytime I think about it she says something else like that and it's like I'm back at square one.
I've known I needed help for a long time, I just don't want to acknowledge it, because as soon as you do that, it's real...

[Fiction]

My parents didn't react the best either. My dad told me I was "ridiculously stupid" and my mum said I was "messed up". I think though that if you tell her calmy, and not in the type of situation I told mine in, it makes their reaction less... wild? Sorry can't think of the word. No parent will react well to that, but if you're in a situation where you have an element of control, it helps.

I know what you mean about it being real once you've told someone. But it's real anyway, only hidden. If you get the help you need hopefully one say it won't be real, just a memory.

[lengthy_brochure]

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