What's stopping me?

[Magenta]

Why am I not dead? I've had so many chances to die. I know I want to. I want to feel the blood all over my body, the lack of air in my lungs. I envision horrible things for myself. Death, torture. I want to cry, bleed, die. I can suffer a bit more at my own hand as long as I die.

Why are you stopping me, Matt? And Kathy, Rith and Connor? Why is my boyfriend still wanting to be with me?

Why can't I die? I need to. I need to end this. I hate all the posts I make here. You read them all. Why can't I finally end it all? I WANT TO. Every fibre of my being wants to make sure I don't open my eyes tomorrow.

Cutting? Overdose? Smother myself with a pillow or strangle myself with the sheets? I even keep thinking of ways to kill myself at school or in the hospital.

Who am I? There is no point in my life. Don't try to convince me there is.

What is keeping me from slitting my own throat right now?

[MadManWithaBox]

Because you know you don't want that ending. You want to be ok. Its just the pain is distorting your perception, like it does with me.

[Magenta]

Matt, I can't stand this anymore. I need everything to end. I need it.

Please, why won't you guys stop caring?

[MadManWithaBox]

Os we cant jo. You need help.

[Magenta]

I know I do. But I want to die more. Why haven't I done it yet? Why have I made all these posts saying I want to but never do?

I'm so stupid.

[MadManWithaBox]

Because you know I'm right. Ive said it before, don't be like me. Don't wait to get help out of stupid sense of pride. Do it quickly.

[Magenta]

I went out for a walk in the snow with my boyfriend. I came home to a bunch of hate messages. Went to sleep, woke up and immediately started having panic attacks. Tomorrow is my appointment. I'm so scared.

[MadManWithaBox]

That's perfectly ok. Just hang on till tomorrow.

[Magenta]

I'm trying. I can't stop panicking. I'm so scared of the hospital where the appointment is.

[MadManWithaBox]

Well if you go to the hospital for thhe appointment, if(when) you get admitted, ask to go to a different hospital.

[kevinjk]

please,do not end yourself, you have a whole life ahead of you, if you wanted to end it, you would done it already.

[Fiction]

Because you don't really want to die.

It might take a while to realise it, it did for me. I overdosed and it wasn't until after that, until I ended up in hospital, that I realised I never really wanted to die. Yes, I had suicidal thoughts, but I still had a small amount of hope. Although i've been through probably the worst period in my life (at least I hope) the last few weeks, it's made me realise that things can get better.

[Magenta]

I guess so, Kathy.

I can't get myself to go to the medicine cupboard. I can't seem to get my wrists to bleed enough. Why do I feel so hopeless? Why? I feel like all I do is whine simply because I'm out of options.

[MadManWithaBox]

Its the fear, and the pain. you just have to get through one more day Jo. Talk to your mates, your boyfriend, whatever. Just get through it.

[Magenta]

Most of my friends hate me. There's only you guys and my boyfriend. I'm trying to spend time with my sister but the thoughts won't go away.

[MadManWithaBox]

The thoughts wont go away till you get help. Just ignore the, as best you can, and look forward to tomorrow and getting all this off your chest.

[Magenta]

Okay. I'm trying. Thanks for being here.

[MadManWithaBox]

Long as you're all right :)

[Magenta]

I cut but not badly. I wish it was worse but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything worse than I have.

[Fiction]

I guess so, Kathy.

I can't get myself to go to the medicine cupboard. I can't seem to get my wrists to bleed enough. Why do I feel so hopeless? Why? I feel like all I do is whine simply because I'm out of options.

Honestly Jo, i'd be glad of that. i felt like that for a long time, and then I finally did it. All doing it did was make me feel a whole lot worse. You should be glad you can't do it, and get the help to make it better before you get to that point.

[Magenta]

You're right. I feel so stupid, whining about how I want to and how I can't. Other people have worse problems. I should just be able to get over this.