Wanting to say goodbye.

[Magenta]

Life is over for me. You can't tell me it's not. I've suffered for a year that just got darker and darker. No matter how hard I try, I can't mend things with my parents. My stepmum still mocks me. I don't want anything to do with them anymore. I was going to go to the hospital and refuse to leave but my therapist told me there's no hope for foster care. I've made two lame attempts at suicide that wouldn't have worked. It kills me to think about them. Everyday, I regret being a wimp. I regret not making 800 cuts last night. I know my boyfriend and maybe five friends would miss me but they can't help me. I'm alone and so scared and tired.

I don't want anyone to tell me it's not worth it. It is. I'm just talking. I don't know if I could do it but I think about it every moment. Sleep isn't even my friend anymore.

I feel no hope. I've spiraled down worse and worse. I need this to end. I have nothing more to give. I wanted to grow up, become a writer, get married and have a lovely daughter... but I'm willing to accept that will not happen. I'm okay with that now.

I want to say goodbye. Not immediately but eventually I want to say goodbye forever. I'm scared of not knowing what comes after but I'm finished.

Sigh.

[RAWWR]

No Jo, come on, stay strong, you know deep down that you don't want to do this, or you wouldn't have posted at all, there's still a part of you in there that wants to fight this, listen to it! Please just listen to it, because you don't want this, really you don't.
Try distractions, anything, just stay safe, hell, I hate saying it, but even a couple of shallow cuts, are better. PM me and rant, anything, just keep holding on <3

[Magenta]

I need to feel safe to get better and I don't feel safe with my family. I can't escape them. The 421 cuts I made two days ago won't be seen as a cry for help. Only a suicide attempt would be and if I succeed, no one needs to worry about me anymore.

I'm done.

[RAWWR]

No you're not. Come on, it's only a few days and then you can ask to be hospitalised, Or could you go to A&E and say that you are feeling suicidal? Just please try and stay safe, I know you can get through this. Beleive me, I have been in the same positon so many times, but it does get better, I promise you it will get better, just stick it out.

[Magenta]

I don't think the hospital will be worth it. I've already thought of a number of ways I could kill myself there too. All I think about is death.

[RAWWR]

It's better than home surely? At least there will be people in the hospital who can keep you safe? I know thats not what you want right now, but it is better. Honestly.

[Magenta]

Even if it's better than home, eventually I will be forced to leave. No one will help me. And because I'm underage, I need to wait for permission to help myself.

Fuck this.

[RAWWR]

They will help you hun, you just have to let them.

[Magenta]

I do let people help me. They turn around and abandon me if it doesn't benefit then. I once had to bribe my parents to help me as being part of a birthday gift. MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT A GIFT.

[RAWWR]

Oh hun that sucks :/ But go to the hospital and give them a chance, go now, please?

[Magenta]

I have to wait. My dad says I have to.

[RAWWR]

Can you not get there yourself?

[Magenta]

No. No money.

[RAWWR]

Why won't he take you? That seems kind of stupid.

[Magenta]

Because he's stupid.

[RAWWR]

Try and explain to him?

[Dunce]

This has been going on a year for you. One year. Thats not that long, and NO matter what you think, life will get better for you. Things will change, and you will change. Yes, to me that sounds shit too. But it's not, change is amazing. This is only one year of your life, dont give up. You are not done here, your mind is sick and tired. That all that's wrong. When you're sick and tired, what do you do? You time out, you sleep. You need to let your mind do that.
A few months ago I thought that I would be depressed for the rest of my life. Because no matter what I did I didnt get better. I had been depressed for over 2 years, no matter what happened to me, my world was dark. But now, a few months on, my life is changing, and thats because I'm changing. I can feel myself let the light filter back into my life. This is something that seemed impossible to me a few months ago.
Give yourself a chance, please. You'll get through it.

[Magenta]

No point. It always turns into a screaming contest. I'll deal.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

Jo You can get through this can you push for foster care, emancipation, what about getting a job you could make money off your website sell add space. please their are options you know i'm here and conner and fiction

[canyon]

I have to wait. My dad says I have to.

If you really feel like there is no other option for you than suicide, I would say to go against what he tells you to do. If there's no way he'll bring you, call a friend or another relative. Anything to get there. Don't think that you can't get there because of him.
Now I'm not saying to do this unless it is an absolute last resort, but call 911 if you have to. Tell them what's going on and how you feel like you have nowhere else to turn and you need help. Tell them about how your father wouldn't bring you to the hospital even though you've taken the steps to realizing that you have a problem and you feel like it's either the hospital or death. They will help you.

No. No money.

Like I said above, call 911 if you have to, but do it only as an absolute last resort. If you're feeling this bad, don't worry about the money. Forget the money. You need to get help and your father isn't providing you with any. Go against what he says to get what you need.

I really do commend you for how well you've been holding up in your situation. If you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. And I'm not just saying that to be nice. Please, send me an IM or something, I'd love to talk for a while. Just hang in there, you'll be out of this mess soon enough

[Charleigh]

Right now you might be crying with a smile, but Jo, fuck the world for the moment. Like I told you in the coffee shop, just scream. Let it all out. Cry with a smile. Scream with a smile. You wouldnt believe the difference a smile can make. Just dont pretend to be happy when your not. If you cry with a smile in front of people, and they ask you "is everything ok?" tell the truth. No its not ok. "Why are you crying with a smile?". Because a smile makes my world go round.

Im here if you ever need anything hun.
:hug:

[HeroesAndCons]

Please dont
i know i never really talked to you
but i care for you
and many on here do
i know you are a great person
please use coping skills
or talk to a trusted adult
:heart::hug::heart:

pm if u need to talk

[Charleigh]

Exactly. Jo, look at all of the people who care and ... and love you.

I love you and you know that. Your like a big sister to me, the big sister who understands me, the big sister who is there for me and they big sister who is the sister everyone wants :3 Your amazing Jo, and dont you dare let anybody else tell you different. Tell 'em to shuv their amazing comments up there bum holey :'D

SO DONT LEAVE ME BUT FUDGE :3 ♥

[Iceman]

Right now you might be crying with a smile, but Jo, fuck the world for the moment. Like I told you in the coffee shop, just scream. Let it all out. Cry with a smile. Scream with a smile. You wouldnt believe the difference a smile can make. Just dont pretend to be happy when your not. If you cry with a smile in front of people, and they ask you "is everything ok?" tell the truth. No its not ok. "Why are you crying with a smile?". Because a smile makes my world go round.

Im here if you ever need anything hun.
:hug:

Reminded me of this:
I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony


Don't do it Jo. Turn it into something you thrive off of. Someone tells you you can't prove them wrong. If someone mocks you it's only because they are jealous, because they see that you can be what they never could.

:hug:

[Magenta]

@Charlie: Hun, you are amazing. You make me smile all the time.

Thanks for all your replies. I will be okay. I'm going back to the hospital next week. I want to recover. I will.