Treatment programs, or hospitalization?

[schrei jess]

Has anyone ever been hospitalized or put into a treatment program for self harm? I mean like a little while, not just over night hospitalization. Im scared of my cutting now and I want it to stop, I really do but I dont think I can. I feel like the only way I can stop is to be forced to stop and removed from my daily life. I will admit, my cutting isnt terrible, I dont bleed much, I msure my cuts arent deep enough to matter but I have scars now. Like before, my scars would go away in a week or two, I have some scars on my arms from like weeks and weeks ago. Im scared now. I always swore I wouldnt get this far. And whats really scary to me is that I like it. A part of me is saying if I stop - Ill die, I cant stop! I carry the damn blade with me at school, along with a bunch of bandaids incase I have to cut. I feel like everyone thinks Im worthless and stupid for hurting myself. My grades have slipped, Ive never failed classes before, never done this bad. I just stopped caring. I want to be forced to stop this. My therapist I think dont think it's serious enough to worry about, so he doesnt really make a huge effort to ask about it or help me stop. He like gave me tips, like holding the ice thing. I dont want to hold some damn ice or snap a stupid rubber band on my wrist (which i have tried, just gave me a bad bruise). I dont want some other stupid thing I become dependent on, I just want it all to stop!! Im considering hurting myself bad, or taking an overdose just so someone will realize that I need serious help! I want to be hospitalized and get this thing over with?

What do I do?!

[-Silence]

Yeah..

The first time I was hospitalized was ninth grade, I was as depressed as ever, I would come to school, didn't say a word, slept in class and was failing which was a shock to everyone around me because I had always done well at school, and then I'd get home, fight with my mother and then start the day all over again. I would cut several times a day, when I woke up, right when I left for school, on the bus, inbetween classes, at lunch, at home after the fight. I always always always had a razor on me and some paper towels. I was a mess.

Anyways, I skipped class and got In school Suspension, I was doing good though (with cutting) I was keeping it on the upper part of my arm, so I was able to wear short sleeves, but there were a few scars on my forearm. The ISS teacher saw it and tried to talk to me, I continued doing my schoolwork and ignored her. She told me that I could come talk to her whenever I needed to. I blew that off, was like yeah right, why would I need to talk? But I didn't say that, of course. Months went by and things kept getting worse and worse and my mother and I had got in a bigger fight, my razors were gone and one day I went to her office. Said, "Hey, I'm sorry for coming but I want to cut so bad. I don't know what to do." I cracked. Spilled everything I kept inside. Soon after one of the school cops came in and they took me upstairs to her office. I was shaking I was so nervous and the teacher looked at me and put her hand on top of mine to try and stop the shaking and looked at me and said "Heather, can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself tonight?" I said no.

They had another cop pull up, they put me in the car and took me to a short-time hospital called Park Place, I was there for 8 days. Truthfully, I loved it there, I was comfortable there, and felt safe, which was completely different from my home. When they released me, I went home for a week and then came crashing down again, when back to the same teacher and they put me back. Second time was 16 days.

After that my step-dad couldn't take it anymore and fought for custody. He won.

I survived day to day until the beginning of this year. I was falling back into I was and was seeing a counselor. I came in one day and showed her a notebook with exactly what I felt. She looked at me and asked if I needed to go back to the hospital,I looked down, couldn't look at her. She asked me to show her my arms, I did, they were covered. Scars that still haunt my arms. When I first started cutting I was like you, I swore I wouldn't let it get too far, and for a good two years it didn't. I cut and it would be gone in a couple days, nothing lasted. All the cuts were shallow then, always. Eventually I just kept going deeper, the shallow cuts didn't give me the relief that I needed, they didn't calm me. The inside of both of my arms are now covered in scars 6 years after I first picked up a razor, most that have just recently started to blend into the skin. Before they were raised and pinkish, and now even the shallow cuts leave scars.

The counselor called my dad and he drove me to another hospital. Again, I felt safe, and since then haven't felt the need to go back.

You seem to be at the same place I was, so please, if you feel you need to go, then go.

Honestly, if you can find a treatment program and if your insurance will take it, I'd go with that, they have more imformation for you. They would be able to help you more.

Hun, hang in there, okay?
:console:



(Sorry for writing so much)

[schrei jess]

Thanks for all of that. I feel like I need to, but I dont want to ask. Ill just feel stupid. I dont think my cutting is important enough to go to a hospital for treatment, but I dont want to do this anymore. A few of my teachers know I have scars on my arms but I dont know if they really know what is going on. One of my teachers now Im having a very rough time, she doesnt mind when I dont do work sometimes or when I have to leave class to get a soda to keep myself from fainting. She is really nice, but I dont think she really knows. Another teacher knows that everything bugs me, and that I have scars on my arms but I said that it was because of eczema, I think he believes me. Another teacher knows I had a small issue with drugs one time, I had to leave class to see the counselor for it. My homeroom teacher knows I cut, she told my mom (she already knows), but now she leaves me alone because she knows I really dont like her. But Im not sure if they have any clue as to what is really going on. I just dont know to get help. I really dont.

[unknown(to_myself)]

i've been thinking about going to this place in Utah called "moonridge academy" i really want the help and i dont want to have these problems.. i tried therepy (on my own, parents still dont know) and that made things worse...i agree, i would love to OD or SOMETHING, just so that people will notice...my cuts always scar and are usually deep,and bleed a lot, but my problem is
a: what do i do to get my families attention.. my teachers and friends know, but i (stupidly) made them swear to keep it quiet,
b: no money...need i say more?,
c: i don't want to have to talk about all the other not so wounderful things i've done and I really don't want to think about my past, so i dont know what i'll do...

[schrei jess]

Okay Ive actually been to one since i posted this, and I must say - it was hell. I HATED it. I think it would be better to get out patient treatment unless you are a SERIOUS danger to yourself, like really serious on killing yourself, otherwise, you should just go to therapy. Insurance pays for things like this, not the whole thing but thing, if you have insurance - then dont worry about it so much. Treatment facilities are pretty expensive, the one I went to was about 900 dollars a day, and I was there for 9 days, but I think insurance paid for a lot of it.

If you are really having a big problem, you should GET HELP. You wont stop unless you get some help. I know that I could have never stopped without the help of the hospital and my parents. Now I have no desire, well a very limited amount of desire, to hurt myself, and with all the happy pills - life is great.

If you think it's what you need, then get it. I know it's hard, but you should get help.

[ForeverBlue]

I have been in a hospital, twice in the last year. It was an Inpaicent Pychiatric Unit. I stayed there for a total of 5 months.
It. Was. Wonderful.
I wasn't in there for cutting, however I did cut at the time. I was in the IPU for anorexia.
It was probably one of the best experiences of my life, I simply loved the people there all the staff members that is, and some of the pacients too. I actually still talk to a few of the friends I made in there.
It was also hellish because I didn't want to gain weight.
but I do think hospitals or treatment centers can help, BUT only if you are motivated and have a support system when you get back to the real world.