Addicted to the Knife

[RaineBow]

For a few months, I've been cutting (more like scratching, with a few successful cuts) my left arm. I never had the guts before to inflict pain on my self. It all started one day, when I was having a terrible week, and I accidentally cut my arm against the edge of a table. I couldn't believe how good I felt afterwards. A few weeks later, I got upset once more, and experimented with a knife.I gave my arm one tiny cut, and I swore to myself I would never do it again. Eventually, I broke my own promise, and one tiny cut, became a dozen big cuts (the majority not drawing blood) the more i got addicted to it, the more i would crave it. If something would upset me at school, i would want my knife. Once, i started hyperventalating because I desperately wanted a knife. No one found out though, because I hid in the bathroom when I was hyperventilating. ( I did/do not bring a knife to school) I got so depressed, I stored 4 different knives in my bedside drawer under a bunch of old diaries and a folder. Two months after it, I snapped out of my funk, and stopped cutting. Not more than three weeks later, I wanted to cut again. Everything in my life was good. I was happier, and I felt care free. But, my two friends started puting me down, (I admit I'm guilty to that too, but I do it because I want to show them what it's like to be put down) and they started just acting mean towards me, that I started cutting again. Also, when I felt that my parents didn't believe I could win something academic (that was the first time in my life they had ever doubted me about academics) I felt so depressed i resorted to my knife again.

I feel like I cant stop cutting, I want to, but I feel like I'm addicted to it. I DO NOT want to tell anybody -friends, family, my therapist especially, because then they will report me to the police. I don't know what to do, and I just want to deal with this secretly. :(

[georgiamay]

They wouldn't report you to the police. That's just ridiculous. Where ever you're from, no one would go to the police.

First of all, welcome to VT! :) You came to the right place. A lot of people here are going through the same thing as you, we all understand and we're here to listen.

Therapy is confidential. Whatever you tell them, they can't tell anyone else about it (unless you've killed someone, which I doubt). If you tell your therapist, they'll be able to help you overcome the addiction. If they don't know they can't help. The amount of stuff I've said to my therapist that she's never told anyone is unbelieveable. It's confidential, please tell them? If you stay quite about it, it'll just get worse.

Your family don't need to know if your therapist doesn't tell them, and they won't tell them.

If you keep at this, they won't just be scratches, they'll start to draw blood, they'll get deeper, they'll bleed for hours, and all you can do is just keep the pressure on and hope it stops soon. Trust me, I've been there, and I'm still there. I'm telling you from personal experience just how bad it can get. And it gets really bad. I don't think I'll be able to show my hips and legs for a while. Not comfortably anyway. The amount of scars I have is disgusting. And you know what? I can't stop. Trust me, you don't want to end up like me.

Your therpist won't be able to help you properly if they don't know about it.

Everyone on this forum understands what you're going through, we're all here for you.

You can PM me anytime, I'm always here. :hug3:

[Charleigh]

You should keep your self harming as a secret to school friends, peers, teachers and anybody else, but you shouldnt keep your self harming a secret to your parents or counsellours or doctors, those are the ones who can help you out hun.

Keeping self harming a secret, can mess with your head. When I didnt tell anybody and it went on for a year without people knowing, boy was I paranoid. I was constantly thinking my mum would find a blade, or blood stains or something related to self harming that could give it away. In the end, you get too tierd and sick of constantly checking you havent left anything lying around. If I were you, I would just be open and honest about it, and let your parents and professionals know that you do want to stop.

Im here if you ever need to talk hun.
:hug: