I'm a different person

[Fiction]

First thing i'm going to say is please don't reply unless you really do understand. Yes I appreciate all of you for trying to help but unless you've been in this situation please don't give me some bullshit reply.

I feel like a different person. Ever since my overdose i'm a different person. I'm a lot more quiet but i'm having bigger mood swings than before. My hypernes is more hyper, and when I get upset i'm more upset.

I want to go back to before I did it. I want to be the person I was back then.

I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care about what I look like. I never used to wear jeans now I wear them all the time. I go out without make-up. This just isn't me.

I feel like i've lost my identity somewhere. I'm having strange thoughts too. That this isn't real. It's a dream or my imagination. Just typing about it implants the thoughts inside my head again. I know they aren't real, but they can be so fucking convincing. I'm scared they'll take over.

Why do I feel so different? Will it go away? I hate this :/

[Kaius]

I'm not going to pretend I 100% understand what you're feeling but I have been through this. I took an overdose last month as you know because everything just got too much to handle. When i came out I felt like I had just come out of some sort of solitary confinement for god knows how long. I wasn't me anymore. I may not have killed myself but i killed a big part of who i was. I became so angry and distant. I had breakdowns in the middle of college, I lost interest in so many things i used to love and I ignored anyone and everyone and blocked a lot of people out that i probably shouldn't have. The only peace i had was getting drunk at the end of every night. I'm not going to say it will end soon because truthfully Kath i don't know, but it will end one day. Its been a month and I'm only just going back to normal myself, but im still not who I was beforehand and I don't know if i will be again. But what i've learnt is that just because im not who I was doesn't mean I can't change who I am now and thats what im doing, working to make the most of and change myself into a person I feel comfortable as. You're not going to go through this alone you'll have me with you every step of the way, but you've got to let me.

[Fiction]

I'm not going to pretend I 100% understand what you're feeling but I have been through this. I took an overdose last month as you know because everything just got too much to handle. When i came out I felt like I had just come out of some sort of solitary confinement for god knows how long. I wasn't me anymore. I may not have killed myself but i killed a big part of who i was. I became so angry and distant. I had breakdowns in the middle of college, I lost interest in so many things i used to love and I ignored anyone and everyone and blocked a lot of people out that i probably shouldn't have. The only peace i had was getting drunk at the end of every night. I'm not going to say it will end soon because truthfully Kath i don't know, but it will end one day. Its been a month and I'm only just going back to normal myself, but im still not who I was beforehand and I don't know if i will be again. But what i've learnt is that just because im not who I was doesn't mean I can't change who I am now and thats what im doing, working to make the most of and change myself into a person I feel comfortable as. You're not going to go through this alone you'll have me with you every step of the way, but you've got to let me.

Thanks Aaron.

I had a break down at school too, as you know. And i've had a few at home. It's just annoying because everytime I think i'm getting there again it messes up. And I get a mood or something worse than ever before.

My cutting has got drastically worse in such a short space of time and I don't know what to do anymore.

[Kaius]

Its going to be like that for a while, you're going to go up and down like theres no tomorrow. But giving up won't solve anything, you've got to stick at it despite how long winded this seems to be. It will pass eventually. Giving Counselling a shot, see what happens. It won't be instant change but it will gradually get there. As for cutting.. Well, to be honest if thats how you're coping with it im not going to tell you to stop as long as you don't go too deep or anything.

[Syvelocin]

When I was first admitted to a hospital, I went in there a depressed little girl. I came out a bottomless pit.

Everything before that was trivial. Something about being there, sitting there like a duck, doped up on medication. Children screaming every night. Days of just sitting there until they think you're cured, nights of laying there wide awake listening to the girl who's upset down the hallway venting as she uses a staple to open an old cut.

"Awareness is the enemy of sanity, for once you hear the screaming, it never stops," - Emilie Autumn

After that, nothing was the same. I lost myself. And more than a couple people noticed the change. I was depressed beforehand, but it had nothing on that. All my motivation and passion almost died out. I became this destruction-obsessed person, everything just seemed more bitter. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

It could go away. But honestly hun, when you really get something like that, it never goes away completely. Either it'll get better or get worse, but as much as it could improve, it'll never be gone.

I hate to be a downer after Aaron's posts though. But in response to your post, I didn't feel like my usual sugar-coated speech would go over as well.

[Fiction]

Its going to be like that for a while, you're going to go up and down like theres no tomorrow. But giving up won't solve anything, you've got to stick at it despite how long winded this seems to be. It will pass eventually. Giving Counselling a shot, see what happens. It won't be instant change but it will gradually get there. As for cutting.. Well, to be honest if thats how you're coping with it im not going to tell you to stop as long as you don't go too deep or anything.

I'm going to give councelling ago but I honestly can't see myself being honest with them. I find it hard enough to be totally honest with the people on here, how am I meant to tell a councillor? I feel like whatever I say to them will be relayed back to my parents.

When I was first admitted to a hospital, I went in there a depressed little girl. I came out a bottomless pit.

Everything before that was trivial. Something about being there, sitting there like a duck, doped up on medication. Children screaming every night. Days of just sitting there until they think you're cured, nights of laying there wide awake listening to the girl who's upset down the hallway venting as she uses a staple to open an old cut.

"Awareness is the enemy of sanity, for once you hear the screaming, it never stops," - Emilie Autumn

After that, nothing was the same. I lost myself. And more than a couple people noticed the change. I was depressed beforehand, but it had nothing on that. All my motivation and passion almost died out. I became this destruction-obsessed person, everything just seemed more bitter. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

It could go away. But honestly hun, when you really get something like that, it never goes away completely. Either it'll get better or get worse, but as much as it could improve, it'll never be gone.

I hate to be a downer after Aaron's posts though. But in response to your post, I didn't feel like my usual sugar-coated speech would go over as well.

I feel the same Rith. I suppose it's a part of my past that will turn me into the person I will be in the future, and it could work out for the best somehow? Maybe? My head is desperatly holding onto everything it can. I just feel like I need more help than anyone can give now. After that I feel unfixable.

I don't know, maybe i'm just over reacting. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before history repeats it's self. I feel like i'm just counting down the time until it happens again.

I hate it, so much.

[Syvelocin]

I feel the exact same, like my therapist's attempts are pointless. Beyond redemption.

I don't know what it's like to have suicidal thoughts however. I feel like I hate myself just a step beyond that, where I want myself to live so I can suffer. Maybe that's just my masochism speaking, but I think that's why suicide has never been appealing. That, and my codependency.

You'll find later, however, that it will be part of who you are in the future. I think it can be beneficial, in some ways. It's a part of who you are, whether it looks like it now or not. Honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

[Fiction]

Thanks Rith.