canyon
February 15th, 2011, 01:01 AM
I don't think this really affects me as much anymore, but I just want to let it out. A few years ago I thought about what it would be like to kill myself. I was going through a lot and I didn't want to deal with any of it. I felt like there was nowhere for me to go and nobody could want me for who I am. I didn't tell anyone this, but I was feeling really depressed for a long time. Trying to figure out who I am, school, home, family, everything. I couldn't handle all of it. I was pretty close too in my own opinion.
One day I was feeling really sad and sat down and pretended to write a suicide letter. I wrote down everything that I was feeling and how depressed I was and stuff like that. I filled a couple of pages and when I was done, I analyzed everything that I wrote down to see what I could control and what I can't. For example:
My grades suck - my own damn fault. If I don't like them, change the way I learn.
My family doesn't love me - Bullshit. I know they love me very much, I'm just too stupid to realize everything they do for me.
None of my friends really like me - Again, bullshit. If they weren't my friends, they wouldn't hang out with me.
I'm bisexual or gay or whatever I am - This one was hard, but I got through it. I believe in God and that He created everyone. For a long time I was angry at Him for making me gay or bi or whatever, but then I started looking at it from another point of view. If He created everyone for a reason, then He has a reason why He made me this way. I'm not going to argue with him.
You know, stuff like that. Personally, doing that helped me so much. I was able to write down everything that I was mad or sad or angry about and analyze it from a different point of view. Just being able to see everything that I was about to throw away helped me so much.
Another thing too: This is my life. MY life. For a long time I was always worried about pleasing everyone else in my life and didn't really focus on myself or what I wanted. Now, I say screw it. It's my life and I am going to live it how I want to live it. Obviously I'm still the same person, I just don't live my life to please others anymore. I sat down one day and wrote down everything that I did for others that I didn't like, and I thought of ways to change it so I could be happy:
I'm not straight - Ok. I'm not gonna fake my life to make others happy. If I really am gay or bi or whatever, you can either accept me or fuck off, because I'm not changing for you.
I don't say what I feel because I'm scared of what other people will think - Again, too damn bad. It's my life, and if I don't agree with something, I'm going to say it. I'm not going to keep MY mouth shut because your opinion is stupid.
Now I'm not saying to go out and like fight every person who disagrees with you. All I'm saying is to look at your life from another point of view. If you've ever thought about suicide, I really recommend writing everything down that you're mad or sad or angry or depressed about and see what you can change. It doesn't have to be a big change, but it can be if you need it to be. Just please, look at everything that you'd throw away just to avoid the avoidable. If you can change it, change it. I know some things are hard to change, like parents and school, but embrace those changes. What's better to you, arguing with your brothers and sisters, or loving them? Either way, they are your siblings, so you're gonna be stuck with them. You might as well try to make it work.
Suicide is never the answer. It's your life, and it should be just that. YOUR life. Don't live it to please others. Because it's not worth the pain and suffering that you'd go through just to make other people happy. Don't give them the satisfaction. If they're wrong, tell them.
Lastly, this is just another thing that I did to help myself. I thought about everything that I would have lost by committing suicide, and it would NOT have been worth it. Sure, some people hate me, but I don't give a fuck anymore. You hate me, good for you, I'll get you a medal. To think that I would have ENDED my life just because you didn't like me is ridiculous. So here I am bitches. If you don't like me, screw you. I probably hate you too. But I'm not going to change the way I live my life to try and get you to like me.
Anyways, the point of this thread really I guess was just to share my story. Hopefully to those of you that read this, if you've ever thought about suicide you'll try what I tried. I can honestly say that sitting down for maybe 30 minutes and writing down everything I felt saved my life. Please, try it. Suicide is never the answer. You may think that nobody wants you or that you're useless or whatever, but you're not. Someone, somewhere loves you for who you are. Don't make them suffer too.
One day I was feeling really sad and sat down and pretended to write a suicide letter. I wrote down everything that I was feeling and how depressed I was and stuff like that. I filled a couple of pages and when I was done, I analyzed everything that I wrote down to see what I could control and what I can't. For example:
My grades suck - my own damn fault. If I don't like them, change the way I learn.
My family doesn't love me - Bullshit. I know they love me very much, I'm just too stupid to realize everything they do for me.
None of my friends really like me - Again, bullshit. If they weren't my friends, they wouldn't hang out with me.
I'm bisexual or gay or whatever I am - This one was hard, but I got through it. I believe in God and that He created everyone. For a long time I was angry at Him for making me gay or bi or whatever, but then I started looking at it from another point of view. If He created everyone for a reason, then He has a reason why He made me this way. I'm not going to argue with him.
You know, stuff like that. Personally, doing that helped me so much. I was able to write down everything that I was mad or sad or angry about and analyze it from a different point of view. Just being able to see everything that I was about to throw away helped me so much.
Another thing too: This is my life. MY life. For a long time I was always worried about pleasing everyone else in my life and didn't really focus on myself or what I wanted. Now, I say screw it. It's my life and I am going to live it how I want to live it. Obviously I'm still the same person, I just don't live my life to please others anymore. I sat down one day and wrote down everything that I did for others that I didn't like, and I thought of ways to change it so I could be happy:
I'm not straight - Ok. I'm not gonna fake my life to make others happy. If I really am gay or bi or whatever, you can either accept me or fuck off, because I'm not changing for you.
I don't say what I feel because I'm scared of what other people will think - Again, too damn bad. It's my life, and if I don't agree with something, I'm going to say it. I'm not going to keep MY mouth shut because your opinion is stupid.
Now I'm not saying to go out and like fight every person who disagrees with you. All I'm saying is to look at your life from another point of view. If you've ever thought about suicide, I really recommend writing everything down that you're mad or sad or angry or depressed about and see what you can change. It doesn't have to be a big change, but it can be if you need it to be. Just please, look at everything that you'd throw away just to avoid the avoidable. If you can change it, change it. I know some things are hard to change, like parents and school, but embrace those changes. What's better to you, arguing with your brothers and sisters, or loving them? Either way, they are your siblings, so you're gonna be stuck with them. You might as well try to make it work.
Suicide is never the answer. It's your life, and it should be just that. YOUR life. Don't live it to please others. Because it's not worth the pain and suffering that you'd go through just to make other people happy. Don't give them the satisfaction. If they're wrong, tell them.
Lastly, this is just another thing that I did to help myself. I thought about everything that I would have lost by committing suicide, and it would NOT have been worth it. Sure, some people hate me, but I don't give a fuck anymore. You hate me, good for you, I'll get you a medal. To think that I would have ENDED my life just because you didn't like me is ridiculous. So here I am bitches. If you don't like me, screw you. I probably hate you too. But I'm not going to change the way I live my life to try and get you to like me.
Anyways, the point of this thread really I guess was just to share my story. Hopefully to those of you that read this, if you've ever thought about suicide you'll try what I tried. I can honestly say that sitting down for maybe 30 minutes and writing down everything I felt saved my life. Please, try it. Suicide is never the answer. You may think that nobody wants you or that you're useless or whatever, but you're not. Someone, somewhere loves you for who you are. Don't make them suffer too.