Death

[screamtobeheard]

So last night a girl who goes to my school died. She was a freshman and I'm a junior, so I didn't know her well. She had cystic fibrosis, which is just the worst disease...but anyway, school today was awful. There was just this melancholy feel to the whole day. I never knew the death of someone I knew so little could affect me this much.

And even though I didn't know her well, it makes me so sad that she's gone. I saw her every day in the hallway. She had an oxygen tank, and she was so small, but she was adorable. And always smiling, laughing, and happy. I wish I had known her better, because that girl gave me so much hope, and I never even knew her.

But now she's gone. And if something like this can happen to such a brave girl, why shouldn't it happen to me? I'm not brave like Alex was. I'm afraid, but not of death. I'm a bad person. She was a beautiful person. Here, there are people truly suffering with diseases like cystic fibrosis, and smiling every day and I'm over here. Crying at night, hating myself, cutting, restricting, purging, destroying my body that I should just be grateful is healthy. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I be such a terrible person?

[nick]

In a way its good that you are touched by the death of someone that you werent even close to, it shows you are a caring and compassionate person.

I've been visiting my brother in Ireland this week, he's a few years older than me and has cystic fibrosis. He's been in hospital the last couple of months and is very sick indeed. Walking around the hospital, seeing so many really sick people and the things they have to put up with made me feel the way you said, guilty about my own depression, but that doesnt make either of us bad people. Depression is another form of illness which we dont choose anymore than they chose to be born with CF.

Still these things should remind us that there are many things we take for granted, things we should be thankful for, and its good to latch onto those things when times are bad.

[screamtobeheard]

I suppose that's true, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes. I know I should be happy, and I guess that's why. :(
Thank you, thought. This is actually quite reassuring.