Magenta
February 10th, 2011, 05:56 PM
Life is not worth living. Going through life in a fog, not knowing who I am when I look in the mirror, hearing Victoria's words, dreading waking up in the morning... none of it is worth it.
I will always be alone. No one can- or will- seem to help me. Those who can won't tell me what's wrong. Those who offer can't. I know it seems like I just whine a lot but it's true. I am so lost.
It hurts so much to even know I exist. I was a mistake. I should never have been born. Some other kid should have come into this world. I'm not sure if I could kill myself, or try again, because if I failed (again), I'd have to face the disappointment. But why haven't I died yet? I can't even do that properly.
Someone come and shoot me. Or stab me. Something. Kill me please. Don't let me suffer any longer. Ease this pain, please.
I also get to live with the fact that I'm just a failure at everything. I will never get better because Victoria won't let me. She doesn't want to. I do but she sort of likes the attention. I just want to be normal.
But I may go cut. Watch myself bleed and just wish that I were dying with every red drop. I have to. Victoria suggested it and for once, I'm agreeing. Sometimes we feel separate but sometimes I feel like we're one again and I'm just becoming her. That wouldn't be so bad, I guess. At least I'd feel like my mind is whole again.
I just want to die. I want the pain, confusion, anger, sadness and EVERYTHING to just end. I want to go somewhere better. Victoria, who I wonder if I've just given a name to my negative side and she's not really another person (I may just be making it up to make myself feel less responsible), says there won't be anywhere better but surely any place is better than this? Surely I can get away from all of this?
Fuck you, world. I hate people, I hate my dad, I miss and hate my mum. I hate life. I just want it to END. Can't the world just stop for me? Can't I just think 'I'm done' and then I really am? Everything else just carries on but it just stops for me? No pain, no death, just nonexistence. Why is some God or Goddess torturing me like this? Is this some sort of cruel game, a twisted joke?
I'm broken. I can't be fixed. I will never fly or swim or survive.
I will always be alone. No one can- or will- seem to help me. Those who can won't tell me what's wrong. Those who offer can't. I know it seems like I just whine a lot but it's true. I am so lost.
It hurts so much to even know I exist. I was a mistake. I should never have been born. Some other kid should have come into this world. I'm not sure if I could kill myself, or try again, because if I failed (again), I'd have to face the disappointment. But why haven't I died yet? I can't even do that properly.
Someone come and shoot me. Or stab me. Something. Kill me please. Don't let me suffer any longer. Ease this pain, please.
I also get to live with the fact that I'm just a failure at everything. I will never get better because Victoria won't let me. She doesn't want to. I do but she sort of likes the attention. I just want to be normal.
But I may go cut. Watch myself bleed and just wish that I were dying with every red drop. I have to. Victoria suggested it and for once, I'm agreeing. Sometimes we feel separate but sometimes I feel like we're one again and I'm just becoming her. That wouldn't be so bad, I guess. At least I'd feel like my mind is whole again.
I just want to die. I want the pain, confusion, anger, sadness and EVERYTHING to just end. I want to go somewhere better. Victoria, who I wonder if I've just given a name to my negative side and she's not really another person (I may just be making it up to make myself feel less responsible), says there won't be anywhere better but surely any place is better than this? Surely I can get away from all of this?
Fuck you, world. I hate people, I hate my dad, I miss and hate my mum. I hate life. I just want it to END. Can't the world just stop for me? Can't I just think 'I'm done' and then I really am? Everything else just carries on but it just stops for me? No pain, no death, just nonexistence. Why is some God or Goddess torturing me like this? Is this some sort of cruel game, a twisted joke?
I'm broken. I can't be fixed. I will never fly or swim or survive.