georgiamay
February 8th, 2011, 03:08 PM
I'm freaking out a little bit here. Not sure why. I'm just sick of this, everything. I can't do anything right, and I just want it to all be over.
I ate normally today. I mean, I actually ate a normal amount over the whole day. About 1800. But I hate it, I actually hate how awful I feel because I ate like a normal person.
My dad booked our holiday, and I'm still going to have a whole load of fucking ugly scars that he doesn't know about. I'm not stopping. I don't want to right now. This is going to sound extreme, but I stop, I might just get to the point where I down as many pills as I can find. And there are a lot in my house. I can't stop. So that's even more fucking scars I'm going to have to try and hide.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. At about midnight every night, I lay down, turn everything off and try to sleep, but I just lay there for hours, and my head is going, it won't shut up. My head never stops, it won't leave me alone. I just want my head to stop. It does when I cut. That's why I do it most of the time, it calms me. But why should I need that to calm me? I shouldn't. I should have other coping techniques, but nothing works, nothing is good enough. It has to hurt, physically hurt to work, to calm me down.
I'm just sick of everything, I just want to die. I'm too scared to do it, and I don't think I ever will. Whenever I get to the point where I'm seriously considering, I cut and it goes away. But I'm just sick of it.
My mum thinks I'm going to get all A's and A*'s in my GCSE's, but I won't, and I know I won't. I'm not as smart as I used to be, and whenever I get a B, my mum just looks at me as if to say, "My daughter should take after me, she should be smarter than this." I'm not that smart. I'm average, but she can't fucking accept it.
I tired, I'm always tired, but I know sleep just isn't really an option.
/rant.
I ate normally today. I mean, I actually ate a normal amount over the whole day. About 1800. But I hate it, I actually hate how awful I feel because I ate like a normal person.
My dad booked our holiday, and I'm still going to have a whole load of fucking ugly scars that he doesn't know about. I'm not stopping. I don't want to right now. This is going to sound extreme, but I stop, I might just get to the point where I down as many pills as I can find. And there are a lot in my house. I can't stop. So that's even more fucking scars I'm going to have to try and hide.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. At about midnight every night, I lay down, turn everything off and try to sleep, but I just lay there for hours, and my head is going, it won't shut up. My head never stops, it won't leave me alone. I just want my head to stop. It does when I cut. That's why I do it most of the time, it calms me. But why should I need that to calm me? I shouldn't. I should have other coping techniques, but nothing works, nothing is good enough. It has to hurt, physically hurt to work, to calm me down.
I'm just sick of everything, I just want to die. I'm too scared to do it, and I don't think I ever will. Whenever I get to the point where I'm seriously considering, I cut and it goes away. But I'm just sick of it.
My mum thinks I'm going to get all A's and A*'s in my GCSE's, but I won't, and I know I won't. I'm not as smart as I used to be, and whenever I get a B, my mum just looks at me as if to say, "My daughter should take after me, she should be smarter than this." I'm not that smart. I'm average, but she can't fucking accept it.
I tired, I'm always tired, but I know sleep just isn't really an option.
/rant.