Fuck this life.

[Magenta]

Younger Jocelyn - only a couple words for you because you're the most silent and usually make me happy but you're still one of those versions of me in my head... GROW UP.

Victoria - WHO ARE YOU? I adopted this as a pen name, not an alternate personality. Leave me alone! Stop being yet another person in my head. STOP MAKING ME CUT. I know you're angry, I know you hate the world but stop messing with me. I want to be myself. Stop arguing with Older Me! Older Me is smart and wants to stop cutting. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Stop causing me to wonder who I am. I was fine before you came along! I used you for anonymity on the internet then in my writing group. You were never supposed to be another person.

Older Me - I wish I could be you. Why can't you overpower Victoria? Why can't you take over? I like you. You're smart. You know who you are... but in a sense, you're still not me.

Who am I? Fuck this, I'm not even sure I care. I saw the psychiatrist. They're going to let me go on like this for another two weeks. I've been waiting two months for answers. I realized Victoria was the vicious version of me that's been placing all these bad thoughts in my head. She's the version of me that wants to be dead and wants to hurt me. Older Me is trying to protect me. But I never wanted to have this many me's in my head! I don't like that my thoughts chase each other around and argue.

Victoria is the strongest. A year ago, I almost changed my name to Victoria. I almost became her. I didn't cut then but I think she's the one who told me to. She's evil. She just wants to be angry at the world and upset and wants to hate everyone. How is it I can love people one moment but be antisocial another? These versions of me are ruining my life! I don't know how to explain it.

I just want answers. I can't do this for another two weeks. Victoria will win. She's right. Life isn't worth living. Older Me says not to... I feel like an author writing a story. I don't feel like a real person. Which version of me is typing this? Neutral Me? I'm a body. A host.

*screams*

[Syvelocin]

Just a question before I say anything, so I know quite what we're dealing with: What do you want me to call these other yous? Are they just sort of alter egos or are they other people entirely?

I can relate to you either way. I feel like that with myself, I've had so many versions of myself that it's insane. Like you, there was always a phase, a name, a discrepancy.

And if what your going through is actual personalities, well, I can relate to that as well. I feel the same with your example. I'm Alex's Victoria let's say. Alex has virtually given up on herself, she wants me to be the main one regardless of who really is the original (I am, yet still...) She's letting me take over. We used to be half and half, and now I think we're 95/5.

You've got to say something to your doctor. You need to know what this is, you need to be taken care of. I felt the same way. They called it a coping mechanism and ignored it, then they talked about alternate realities and only once did my psychologist mention something about dissociative identity disorder. Since then, everyone's ignored that part of me. You've got to tell them that you want this solved, and that you can't wait around for them to be ready hun.

[Magenta]

I think... Victoria is the main one. She seems like... I created her. Younger Me is just when I lose my maturity to be the kid I never was. Older Me is... me. Reasonable, happy, mature me.

But Victoria? When things started falling apart, I joined a writing group under the pen name Victoria Black. Since then... they've also become my support group. But Victoria's the angry one. She makes me cut. I cut so she stops making thoughts worse and worse for me. But the thing is, I want her gone. Sometimes I wish I could be her. She can hide away and hates people and sometimes that's better but I also want to laugh more. I like the friends I have... and she doesn't. When I'm at school, I'm me. At home, I think I'm her... I don't... change, I guess. But my moods switch and it feels like she's lurking at the back of my head. I can feel my thoughts clashing. I always feel confused and depersonalized and ugh.

I've told the doctors. I'm hoping in two weeks I get answers. I'm going to get my dad to bother them. I want them to give me answers now. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time...

But I want Victoria to stop hurting me. She /is/ me. She's another personality but she's still me. I don't know how to explain.

I often have trouble remembering things... but I don't feel like I've ever... not been around. I've always been here, there's just a personality in the back of my head that sometimes is just present. She's there. She tells me things... not a voice but my thoughts saying 'Oh, you should cut or overdose' though I KNOW I wouldn't think those things.

But I feel like she's always been there. When I was little, I could be mature and responsible and other times I'd turn into this angry kid that exploded. I don't necessarily remember all these things but I've heard it. I think she maybe just decided that Victoria was her name later on in life.

[Syvelocin]

There are two types actually. You don't have to be completely absent. I've talked to a few people with dissociative identity disorder who have all the personalities in their head, sometimes they take over but they're always still present. Co-consciousness. I don't experience much of that myself, but it's definitely something that happens.

Have you talked to her at all? If she's the harmful part of you, you might want to be communicating more with her to settle it.

[Magenta]

I don't know if I can. She doesn't have her own voice. She just... subtly sneaks in those harmful thoughts that I know I shouldn't be having.

Sometimes I wonder if I've made her up to cope. I don't think so. I think she may have always been there and I forget a lot... but... still...

[Ryunosuke]

Still.....? I know what you're going through.... I have the same I think? I will introduce them, or they will themself If you like?