Nevermore
February 8th, 2011, 01:20 PM
Dear Sammy,
You just had to eat didn't you. Your so freakin weak. You think you were hungry? So what, you were shaky, and dizzy, nausious, and tired, and felt like you were going to pass out, you didn't have to go and gorge yourself. Yes, I realize I"m speaking in third person, I jsut hate myself right now. I ate a blueberry muffin, some tea, salad, and yes, two cookies. I want to die right now, because all of that is inside me. Tea was 0 calories because it had no sugar. I read the blueberry muffin was 150 cals, the salad with little to no dressing at most 230. The cookies i heard each was 80. So that's 440 total if I did the math right. I'm on my period, and also anemic. So I need the calories in reality, but mentally, I want to cut it out of me as of a punishment. I've tried to throw it all up twice while in school. In school! Of all places where I could've gotten caught. I feel completely fat, and horrible, and I just can't stand myself. However I'm no longer shaky, or dizzy, I'm just still nausious. :( I was going to go to the guidance counsler today and tell her my problem. I felt like the whole cafeteria was starring, oh my gosh, Sammy is eating AGAIN! Even though it wasn't all at once. It was in the morning, and in the afternoon. I broke down crying both times, while eating and after I ate. I then scratched some scabs off of my arm, and they started to bleed. I just want to be rid of the anxiety, paranioa, and the guilt of eating. I'm an emotional reck right now. I just can't calm down. :'( I dont' know what to do anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I'm sick of being anxious and feeling this way!! I'm done!
You just had to eat didn't you. Your so freakin weak. You think you were hungry? So what, you were shaky, and dizzy, nausious, and tired, and felt like you were going to pass out, you didn't have to go and gorge yourself. Yes, I realize I"m speaking in third person, I jsut hate myself right now. I ate a blueberry muffin, some tea, salad, and yes, two cookies. I want to die right now, because all of that is inside me. Tea was 0 calories because it had no sugar. I read the blueberry muffin was 150 cals, the salad with little to no dressing at most 230. The cookies i heard each was 80. So that's 440 total if I did the math right. I'm on my period, and also anemic. So I need the calories in reality, but mentally, I want to cut it out of me as of a punishment. I've tried to throw it all up twice while in school. In school! Of all places where I could've gotten caught. I feel completely fat, and horrible, and I just can't stand myself. However I'm no longer shaky, or dizzy, I'm just still nausious. :( I was going to go to the guidance counsler today and tell her my problem. I felt like the whole cafeteria was starring, oh my gosh, Sammy is eating AGAIN! Even though it wasn't all at once. It was in the morning, and in the afternoon. I broke down crying both times, while eating and after I ate. I then scratched some scabs off of my arm, and they started to bleed. I just want to be rid of the anxiety, paranioa, and the guilt of eating. I'm an emotional reck right now. I just can't calm down. :'( I dont' know what to do anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I'm sick of being anxious and feeling this way!! I'm done!