Life? Why bother...

[Alexithymia]

I'm not sure what to do with this crappy piece of life I have... I just... I don't want to die. I want to go away. I want to have a new life. With new- No, wait. I want to die. Because I'm such a fuck up. I should die. Right? The only people who like me enough are people I don't deserve to have. Everyone I encounter somehow has their life completely screwed up. My sisters, my mother, father, friends... Why haven't I taken the pills yet? Oh, right, Mom.

I don't want her to suffer. I know that in the long run just committing suicide will help her. I also know that... I don't know anything. I'm a fuck up. I don't want to feel this guilt for having to live. For having to mess up under her. For having her yelling at me.

I... I can't say goodbye. Not yet. I need to just screw up once more. I need to just go to school once more. Oh, school! I completely forgot about that.

School. Mmm. The (I'm pretty sure) fuel for my depression. I have to go. I have to be ridiculed. I have to be self conscious. I have to be social. I have to be happy. I have to act stolid. I have to be friendly. I won't do that shit anymore. If I have to go there... Fuck it. I won't even leave a note for them to read.

This isn't goodbye. But it might as well be. I'm just going to end up killing myself eventually. Why not get it over with? I just... I have something to cling onto. And I know that's fading.

[Quahog]

Please don't do it. I know your depressed, and going through a lot, but you are making the wrong decision. You might not think so, but what your doing is not the answer. It is never the answer. If you need someone to talk to, we are all here. I would hate for you to do something horrible such as that. If you have problems with school, and whatnot, all those can be solved. Suicide isn't the answer to that.

You are not a screw up. Life is so much worth living for you. You will regret making that decision. Your family/friends, wouldn't want you to go through with that, and nobody here would want you to do it. We are here to support you, and I really hope that you change your mind about that.

[Fiction]

Seriously Mark, trying to take too many pills in not the answer. When I was in hospital last night the nurse said to me that thing with pills is, 99% of the time you don't die, you just end up damaging yourself. I guess that must be true.

Doing something like that hurts your parents badly. It's so much better just to tell them you have problems, than hurt them like this. My mum kept crying and my dad kept shouting at me. It wasn't nice. It's so much easier just to talk.

I know the feeling of thinking you'll kill yourself eventually. Just because I tried and ended up in hospital doesn't mean they went away, but i'm going to give this councelling a go. Maybe you could find a councillor or something?

I promise you Mark, you don't want to do this. You know where I am if you need me. :)