Aceso
February 6th, 2011, 09:16 PM
These past few months....fucking hell, I don't even feel depressed most of the time...but I don't feel human...I have so many things running through my head that I just need to write them down on a list, so here it is.
1) My sleep and dreams
It's just as shit as ever, I'm still sleeping badly or not getting enough. but recently my dreaming has been worse. Last night I dreamt for the first time about my self harm.
It started with a meeting with me, my mom, and 2 other people. We were in one of those units for people ''like me.''
I can't remember much, but the person to our right starts to point out old scars on my arm and wrist, and asks how old they are. I say a year ago and four months ago. In real life, I have never cut on my wrists or arms, not anything like in the dream. The person then takes out a tissue from her pocket and holds it on my scars. she lifts it up and there is a tiny speck of blood.
In my dream I say something like ''Of course it's going to fucking bleed if you touch it, it still hasn't healed yet.''
Then the person to our left starts talking to mom about my admission. I loose it, in my dream, and start yelling, ripping up papers and shoving things of desks. In my dream, I think I yell something like ''If I can't cut, I will starve myself until I die.''
The scene switches, and I can hear my dad saying something along the lines of ''I'm disappointed in you Hannah.'' and I flip again. Following this there are more scenes of me getting angry, or sad, and In my dream I'm getting thinner.
I can't remember much more after that. But I feel disturbed. I tell myself that I don't get violent like that, but thinking back I have lost it like in those dreams before, only once or twice through my life. I feel like it has happened, like my parents know about my Cutting. I feel like my privacy has been completely invaded, trampled through, just like my dream. Help?
2) Social and Friends
So this weekend I went to london, and for a sleepover with a friend who I know has cut previously in the past. The thing is that when I saw her her arms were clear unlike last time, but her wrists were covered by bracelets, bands, and a watch. She didn't take them off, even at night. I can't help feeling like they are still there, those cuts. I'm at loss of what to do. :( I want to help her so badly if she is hurting, she is closest friend. :(
Another thing is that every time I do something enjoyable, I feel the need to cut or I feel so depressed and sad, even suicidal at times. I can't have a good time without falling before or after. I feel so selfish, when this was all organised for me and when they say ''Did you enjoy it?'' I have to lie when I say 'I enjoyed every second.' I feel like a burden, a miserable cloud following everyone.
3) Food and Eating.
I haven't thrown up for a while, but like I said at the weekend I broke my diet. I ate and ate, and now I'm back to starving. I had put on a kilo but I feel really confused because even though I was pigging out when I got home and weighed I had lost rather than gained. But that has inspired me even more to loose.
Another thing is that whenever my friends loose weight, I set a personal goal to go below that. Sick, I know, but Its like my mind is divided in two. One wants me to be normal, and stop being such a stupid bitch. The other is telling me to get down to that lowest weight, and finally I will be one, the lowest person there. I feel like fucking sick. Who the hell does that? But the thing is, where I used to eat a pizza or biscuit at lunch, I cannot imagine myself going over to the cafe and eating that now. Its like there is something blocking me.
Calories are in my mind all day, rounding up and adding together to see how many I have left. And even if I have eaten under 1,000 my mind keeps telling me ''you could do better. You could have eaten less.'' I feel lost.
4) Family
Where the fuck do I start?
Okay, so my mom has just changed medication. She takes anti-depressants and sertraline stopped working for her. But the change has made her go crazy. I mean sudden mood swings, highly emotional, irritable, or just completely exhausted. But when she's sane I feel so bad, because she said to me herself she feels guilty. But I feel like I'm to blame. Why? Because this shit started when I was in hospital.
Moving on, this has had an effect on dad. He is the only one still standing really, the pillar. I worry about him every day. I mean, What happens when he goes down? What then? He can only stand for so long, and I can see signs of crumbling. I'm so scared.
Then there is my brother. I feel like he misses out so bad because of me. he can't hang out with friends as often, he doesn't have as much attention...I'm ruining his life, but I don't know what to do. I'm the reason my family is falling apart. Me with my fucking diabetes, I'm the millstone around the necks, the ball to their chains. Me. They would be better without me.
5) School.
So for a while I have been obsessing over my future and education. I have a stupidly low attendance rate, and am on a part timetable.
So I am on part timetable. But even still I can't get in for 100% of my appointed lessons. Then the school puts more pressure on me, rings family and makes them go in for meetings, and it goes around in a circle. My poor mom has to cope with all this and my school is running out of patience.
Next I obsess over my grades. I'm a good student, on target despite my absences. I'm generally a good girl, do as I'm told and never had a detention.
But I obsess over my future, my exams, tests and everything. But whatever I do, I feel like it's not good enough. Pressure, pressure, pressure. that's all it feels like all the time.
I can't do anything I enjoy any more. I have done no digital artwork for months, and I am barely seeing my horses, perhaps only once a week. I feel trapped with all of this instead. Its all so busy. I cannot hold everything together like I am doing. There is too much going on, too much stress and pressure. Something's got to give, but I don't know what. I feel like I'm stuck and can't go in any direction, and its all closing in. but at least now after that rant my mind feels clearer. There is probably a shitload more of worries, but I'm sorry for going on so much. I just need to get it out. :(
1) My sleep and dreams
It's just as shit as ever, I'm still sleeping badly or not getting enough. but recently my dreaming has been worse. Last night I dreamt for the first time about my self harm.
It started with a meeting with me, my mom, and 2 other people. We were in one of those units for people ''like me.''
I can't remember much, but the person to our right starts to point out old scars on my arm and wrist, and asks how old they are. I say a year ago and four months ago. In real life, I have never cut on my wrists or arms, not anything like in the dream. The person then takes out a tissue from her pocket and holds it on my scars. she lifts it up and there is a tiny speck of blood.
In my dream I say something like ''Of course it's going to fucking bleed if you touch it, it still hasn't healed yet.''
Then the person to our left starts talking to mom about my admission. I loose it, in my dream, and start yelling, ripping up papers and shoving things of desks. In my dream, I think I yell something like ''If I can't cut, I will starve myself until I die.''
The scene switches, and I can hear my dad saying something along the lines of ''I'm disappointed in you Hannah.'' and I flip again. Following this there are more scenes of me getting angry, or sad, and In my dream I'm getting thinner.
I can't remember much more after that. But I feel disturbed. I tell myself that I don't get violent like that, but thinking back I have lost it like in those dreams before, only once or twice through my life. I feel like it has happened, like my parents know about my Cutting. I feel like my privacy has been completely invaded, trampled through, just like my dream. Help?
2) Social and Friends
So this weekend I went to london, and for a sleepover with a friend who I know has cut previously in the past. The thing is that when I saw her her arms were clear unlike last time, but her wrists were covered by bracelets, bands, and a watch. She didn't take them off, even at night. I can't help feeling like they are still there, those cuts. I'm at loss of what to do. :( I want to help her so badly if she is hurting, she is closest friend. :(
Another thing is that every time I do something enjoyable, I feel the need to cut or I feel so depressed and sad, even suicidal at times. I can't have a good time without falling before or after. I feel so selfish, when this was all organised for me and when they say ''Did you enjoy it?'' I have to lie when I say 'I enjoyed every second.' I feel like a burden, a miserable cloud following everyone.
3) Food and Eating.
I haven't thrown up for a while, but like I said at the weekend I broke my diet. I ate and ate, and now I'm back to starving. I had put on a kilo but I feel really confused because even though I was pigging out when I got home and weighed I had lost rather than gained. But that has inspired me even more to loose.
Another thing is that whenever my friends loose weight, I set a personal goal to go below that. Sick, I know, but Its like my mind is divided in two. One wants me to be normal, and stop being such a stupid bitch. The other is telling me to get down to that lowest weight, and finally I will be one, the lowest person there. I feel like fucking sick. Who the hell does that? But the thing is, where I used to eat a pizza or biscuit at lunch, I cannot imagine myself going over to the cafe and eating that now. Its like there is something blocking me.
Calories are in my mind all day, rounding up and adding together to see how many I have left. And even if I have eaten under 1,000 my mind keeps telling me ''you could do better. You could have eaten less.'' I feel lost.
4) Family
Where the fuck do I start?
Okay, so my mom has just changed medication. She takes anti-depressants and sertraline stopped working for her. But the change has made her go crazy. I mean sudden mood swings, highly emotional, irritable, or just completely exhausted. But when she's sane I feel so bad, because she said to me herself she feels guilty. But I feel like I'm to blame. Why? Because this shit started when I was in hospital.
Moving on, this has had an effect on dad. He is the only one still standing really, the pillar. I worry about him every day. I mean, What happens when he goes down? What then? He can only stand for so long, and I can see signs of crumbling. I'm so scared.
Then there is my brother. I feel like he misses out so bad because of me. he can't hang out with friends as often, he doesn't have as much attention...I'm ruining his life, but I don't know what to do. I'm the reason my family is falling apart. Me with my fucking diabetes, I'm the millstone around the necks, the ball to their chains. Me. They would be better without me.
5) School.
So for a while I have been obsessing over my future and education. I have a stupidly low attendance rate, and am on a part timetable.
So I am on part timetable. But even still I can't get in for 100% of my appointed lessons. Then the school puts more pressure on me, rings family and makes them go in for meetings, and it goes around in a circle. My poor mom has to cope with all this and my school is running out of patience.
Next I obsess over my grades. I'm a good student, on target despite my absences. I'm generally a good girl, do as I'm told and never had a detention.
But I obsess over my future, my exams, tests and everything. But whatever I do, I feel like it's not good enough. Pressure, pressure, pressure. that's all it feels like all the time.
I can't do anything I enjoy any more. I have done no digital artwork for months, and I am barely seeing my horses, perhaps only once a week. I feel trapped with all of this instead. Its all so busy. I cannot hold everything together like I am doing. There is too much going on, too much stress and pressure. Something's got to give, but I don't know what. I feel like I'm stuck and can't go in any direction, and its all closing in. but at least now after that rant my mind feels clearer. There is probably a shitload more of worries, but I'm sorry for going on so much. I just need to get it out. :(